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Energy Report: MARCH 2017

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Leela Corman    888
Leela Corman

I think I'm experiencing peace "not being pretty", to paraphrase Michael. I feel beat up inside. Having conflict with my husband, some necessary (peace not being pretty, illustrated ), some just not at all. The graphic novel I'm working on is so grim and stressful that I'm becoming concerned about my long term emotional health and ability to be present for my family. I find myself needing to crawl under a blanket at 6 pm sometimes after working on it. I'm so tired. I feel hypersensitive and in retrospect some of the reactions I'm having to people and to the world seem like trauma reactions. I'm drawing concentration camps every day, post-liberation; this chapter takes place at the liberation of Buchenwald. I'm painting piles of emaciated corpses. For very unfortunate personal reasons, I know how to mix paint in the exact color of a corpse, and that's what I spent today doing. My shoulders hurt in a way I recognize as emotionally related. So I'm not sure how I need to care for myself so that I can sustain this project and also be a mom and partner and teacher. The whole book isn't this, luckily. But I can feel crucial parts of myself shutting off as I work on it, and it worries me.

 

I'm finding myself enraged, and having a strong desire to put a metaphorical boot through art that doesn't reflect adult experiences. I guess being enraged is a sane response to things right now, honestly. So that actually doesn't worry me. But none of this is pleasurable. I'm good at pleasure, though, at this point in my life. I didn't and don't need to be reminded of its uses. I'm just feeling other things right now.

 

I have no idea what my "cause" is. My work might be. It's relevant to now. It's anti-Fascist and anti-genocide. But it sure ain't pretty.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Leela Corman
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Sam K    1,060
Sam K
3 hours ago, Leela Corman said:

I think I'm experiencing peace "not being pretty", to paraphrase Michael. I feel beat up inside. Having conflict with my husband, some necessary (peace not being pretty, illustrated ), some just not at all. The graphic novel I'm working on is so grim and stressful that I'm becoming concerned about my long term emotional health and ability to be present for my family. I find myself needing to crawl under a blanket at 6 pm sometimes after working on it. I'm so tired. I feel hypersensitive and in retrospect some of the reactions I'm having to people and to the world seem like trauma reactions. I'm drawing concentration camps every day, post-liberation; this chapter takes place at the liberation of Buchenwald. I'm painting piles of emaciated corpses. For very unfortunate personal reasons, I know how to mix paint in the exact color of a corpse, and that's what I spent today doing. My shoulders hurt in a way I recognize as emotionally related. So I'm not sure how I need to care for myself so that I can sustain this project and also be a mom and partner and teacher. The whole book isn't this, luckily. But I can feel crucial parts of myself shutting off as I work on it, and it worries me.

 

I'm finding myself enraged, and having a strong desire to put a metaphorical boot through art that doesn't reflect adult experiences. I guess being enraged is a sane response to things right now, honestly. So that actually doesn't worry me. But none of this is pleasurable. I'm good at pleasure, though, at this point in my life. I didn't and don't need to be reminded of its uses. I'm just feeling other things right now.

 

I have no idea what my "cause" is. My work might be. It's relevant to now. It's anti-Fascist and anti-genocide. But it sure ain't pretty.

 



If you can't take a break from it entirely, could you perhaps skip forward, work on another part of the book for a time?  Your work is important, to be sure, but it can't be good for it OR for you to strain yourself to such a degree.

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Leela Corman    888
Leela Corman

@Sam K There's no way to get a break, it's the book I'm under contract to do right now, by my own design. I just didn't anticipate the Buchenwald part being so involved, nor did I expect that it would drag me so far down. I'm not a fragile person. After the election, that became the part I felt most drawn to work on. There are other parts, and when I get back to researching and drawing those, it will get less heavy (especially the part about women's sideshow wrestling, pretty excited about that). But right now, I'm also under contract to produce a short excerpt for a magazine in the next month, and it's an extremely grim part. Honestly, I believe deeply in art that makes us look into the abyss. Some of my favorite artists are Otto Dix and Kara Walker, both masters of the visceral and disturbing. This is not gratuitous gross-out art. I hate that stuff. Dix enlisted in the army during WW1, and afterwards created the most unflinching art about it, including his Krieg print series, compassionate portraits of wounded veterans reduced to begging and widows reduced to streetwalking after the war, and his stunning Krieg triptych, which I someday hope to see in real life. And Kara Walker is creating work right now that forces us to confront America's history of racism and violence towards black people at the deepest gut level. It could not have been easy for Dix to make this art (go google it, seriously, he was a master), and it cannot be easy for Walker. They both were/are fully realized humans with kids and lives outside the studio. I wish I could talk to them, frankly. I'd ask them for tips.

Of course, it's still just pictures. Granted, it's pictures of horrible things that really happened, but it's not Doctors Without Borders. I'm not in a raft on the Mediterranean with my family, I'm not in an ER surrounded by suffering. So this is basically all I can do, is draw these pictures. I don't know how people who work directly with suffering people leave it at work.

Edited by Leela Corman
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ckaricai    2,539
ckaricai

@Leela Corman, I know how I felt when I went to the slavery museum in Cincinatti years ago. Seeing the actual chains my ancestors were put in left me with a visceral reaction. I was exhausted after that visit. Whenever I see that image of the hold of a slave ship with the bodies stacked like blocks I get an uncomfortable feeling in my gut. I exist because my ancestors went thru that. Needless to say, I experience different emotions when I really think about it. It can all be condensed into something akin to awe. I can imagine how uncomfortable it must be to draw those pictures line by line, detail by detail. I would probably need a xanax to get thru it and a very very funny comedy to watch at the end of the day. Mindless comedies always help me when I need an emotional break. Step Brothers makes me laugh every time I watch it. Will Ferrell's movies in general tend to make me laugh, but Step Brothers is a special kind of stupid that pokes fun at itself. Also, to keep me from having a freaking stroke over all the bullshit the trump administration is doing I've dived into the books from that show The Expanse. There are I think 6 of them and I just finished book 3. It's engrossing. I've been thinking of it as me time. I also listen to a lot of podcasts, which I find to be a good thing to have in the background that engages part of my brain while I work or do some task that involves my hands. 

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PPLD    5,145
PPLD
On 15/03/2017 at 7:04 AM, Nadine said:

Did anyone of you feel the Energy Shift?

 

I was really hoping for this one, because I'm still quite overwhelmed with my workload and exhausted because we've been understaffed for almost four months now and I had my move going on at the same time. But I didn't really feel any effect from the Shift

 

Maybe I'm more on the Peace side, because I decided I want to get back to my channeling practice and will try to get my focus back on that as soon as I'll get rid of this frickin cold I've come down with....

 

I dare say that I did. But it started earlier than 9th. I was even slightly surprised about how I was "feeling" about my Cause. Almost a little startled! Couldn't identify why "rest" from it felt so good and right. It was first with help of the Report I understood why this current feeling of "rest" (I suppose it is as far as I can stretch to pleasure :) ) doesn't feel like I am abandoning my Cause but simply taking a break from it in a moment in time that is suitable and appropriate for it.

 

Not sure if it makes sense... 

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Leela Corman    888
Leela Corman

@ckaricai I can't imagine being confronted with those chains and knowing that they once held your ancestors. I'm crying just typing that. When I read about slavery I want to vomit, it literally turns my stomach. I think one of my dearest wishes for humanity is that we somehow find ways to collectively confront all of this trauma. It's so obviously connected to so much that is wrong in this country now. Yet people want to deny any connection between people's current circumstances and (recent!) history, as if centuries of slavery and institutionalized racism just vanish overnight. 

 

Humanity is in general traumatized. We're in an abusive relationship with ourselves. I hear you on comedy. I got through the Bush years watching The Young Ones. 

 

Today was better, for whatever reason. Maybe because I worked out first. 

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Joe    348
Joe

It's been a few months since I puffed on the delicious tobacco. Remembered bumming, buying, and having the intense cravings for those heavenly sticks of burning tastiness. So far, feels like the body has less blockages and cleaner.

 

On the quit booze self-promise, failed on that one. One of the family peeps almost thrown out five cans of craft beer, ended up drinking it, oops. :)

 

Lastly, decided to go back on the NoFapperino journey (again) after taking a break from it since the beginning of this current year.

 

Cool report, it has been one of most restful months in awhile and it was needed, maybe.

Edited by Joe
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Leela Corman    888
Leela Corman

Revisiting this, maybe working out, which I love but had to take an unusually long break from due to an injury, traveling, and the flu, is the pleasure I'm returning to this month. It feels so good to get to the gym (despite the fact that it's kind of a meathead gym and there are tvs with awful consumptive blaring humanity over the machines), put my headphones on, and blast something really noisy and intense while I sweat. Also reading to my daughter, and playing silly games with her.

 

I don't know if I felt any energy shift. Did anyone feel the one last month, the one they described as an "off-ramp" for those more interested in the most extreme versions of the current story? Because I will admit that I was kind of waiting for that one as if it was a thing I might actually be able to sense. And I can't, of course. Which version are we in? Is this the extreme one? Is there all out war in another one and we're the lucky ones? 

 

Love and solidarity, everyone. It is a freaky world out there.

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Sam K    1,060
Sam K

I'm hoping we'll get a better idea of where we stand post-"off-ramp" in the April report.  I do believe I felt that divergence a bit, though not nearly as strongly as the divergence in November.  My intuition says we're on the less extreme path, though I'm still not sure exactly what Michael meant by "extreme."

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Leela Corman    888
Leela Corman

@samk I'll be very interested to continue this topic with Michael. I'm with you that we are probably on the less extreme path, but I need to sit with my intuition a little more.

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Paulyboy    531
Paulyboy

*waits excitedly for April's report to do art*

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Bobby    6,152
Bobby
On 3/10/2017 at 8:10 PM, Bobby said:

I think I had one of those prophetic dreams last night.  There is a guy on facebook that I am friends with, friends as far as facebook goes anyway.  I know him from my time in college at the University of Nebraska.  In this dream, I was speaking with someone named Doris about someone else who was not present anymore.  It was assumed he had died.  My friend, Rich, has a wife named Doris. I've never had any communications with her.  I have no idea why I would have included him in a dream like this.  We haven't spoken/chatted in forever.  Per Michael, I'll monitor this for the next 2-3 weeks and see what comes of it.  I hope it's wrong!  1f61f.png  

 

Rich is the guy on the left and Doris is on the right here.

 

Woo hoo... 3 weeks and he didn't die!  :o

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AmyD    613
AmyD

The end of March has certainly not been a pleasure for me. I've been struggling with some puzzling health issues. It all started last week when I had suffered what I think was a severe panic attack. Out of nowhere my heart started racing, my chest tightened up & hurt really bad, I couldn't catch my breath, fast/irregular heartbeat, etc. I literally thought I was going to die. I had two ER visits over last weekend and several different doctor visits this over this week. My holistic doctor seemed to be the only one with promising answers. She said because of the two autoimmune disease I have and the fact that they haven't been treated properly for some time now that my body is inflamed. I started taking low-dose naltrexone last night and I'm hoping it helps. I've had no appetite so I've been having to force myself to eat. I've gone on a strict Paleo type diet to help reduce the inflammation in hopes that this will help. This has been extremely scary for me because I've never been sick like this before. The attacks seem to be less severe as the days wear on but they're still there. I go for stress test on Monday to see if there's anything going on with my heart. Hopefully at some point I'll have some answers because I don't know what else to do. 

 

I have to say that work has been a tremendous stress on me the past year or two now and I haven't been taking care of myself both physically and mentally for quite some time. Its like it's all catching up to me. I'm really trying to take a step back, take care of me, and only worry about what's really important. Work will just have to wait! But it's hard for a Warrior/Server like me to calm down. 

 

I guess this is my body's way of slowing me down and forcing me to calm my mind. I desperately just want to feel normal again. I don't feel like myself and I feel bad for the stress it puts on my family. Everyone has been so supportive. 

 

I guess maybe in the channelling the pleasure part for me is my body is telling me to take more time for me and work on my health. Work can wait. 

 

Please send some good energy my way! 

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Bobby    6,152
Bobby

@AmyD Oh no's.... I hope you're able to figure out what's causing it all soon and get on to recuperation!  

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KurtisM    2,657
KurtisM

Well @AmyD, I'm sort of on the same page.

I've gotten really moody and up and down this end of March, on top of that having indigestion issues and bad flatulence due to my gut flora having to adjust to my new plant-based diet. I'm eating a ton more fiber than ever...

So I'm feeling pretty shitty. Pun intended.

 

Atm however, I'm feeling a bit better. And I hope that keeps up.

The imbalances may be due to all the stress and anxiety I'd put on myself that's accumulated over my adolescence. I think this period just reflects through my body that I'm letting things go and learning to shed the skin of the old me that was stubborn and sometimes even ignorant to a lot of things in life.

It's about time I released that.

 

So I think you're doing the same.

When you think of ailmemts and diseases that come out of nowhere, as a way of cleansing your body to catch up with your psyche.

Then the act seems almost like a gesture of inconvenient kindness and communion that the you inside and outside are connected and not willing to expend one at the expense of the other.

 

At least, so long as the symptoms don't persist indefinitely and severely affect our lives. We have to heal through action because we're physical.

Have a pleasurable day then!

Edited by KurtisM
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Juni    2,396
Juni

I wonder if we are in another Nexus-more crazily vivid dreams last night and today I couldn't seem to get my ass in gear to save my life,

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Bobby    6,152
Bobby
9 hours ago, Juni said:

I wonder if we are in another Nexus-more crazily vivid dreams last night and today I couldn't seem to get my ass in gear to save my life,

 

Something must be up.  I dreamed last night that we moved.  That's enough to do in real life but in a dream?  It's sort of funny about how weird the facts that show up in dreams are.  In this apartment that we were moving to, for some reason, it had a screened in foyer like entrance.  There was a low curved bricked area off to the left that looked like where you would put a flower bed even though this was not exposed to the outside.  When I saw it, I immediately said "oh, that's where we can put the Christmas tree."  LOL

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Troy    6,637
Troy
1 hour ago, Bobby said:

Something must be up.  

 

 

Something IS up. Energy Report coming today!

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Diane    1,615
Diane

Great! Looking forward to the April energy report.  Glad you are feeling up to it.

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Juni    2,396
Juni

I had another sorting dream last night, (this time in a kitchen with my ex-husband and two others) so I'm sure of it now. It's a personal Nexus for me if not anyone else!

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Maureen    5,781
Maureen
7 hours ago, Juni said:

I had another sorting dream last night, (this time in a kitchen with my ex-husband and two others) so I'm sure of it now. It's a personal Nexus for me if not anyone else!

 

@Juni,  here's a short excerpt I wrote yesterday morning:  

 

"They all seemed to be intricate dreams like keeping track. There was a tightness like there is when you weave something. In one Donna (friend - Server-cast Scholar from C1E6) was researching and keeping track of love lives, literally. I got the impression she was doing this for me (in the dream). She was sitting in a chair at a typewriter meticulously keeping records. She was up to her third grouping. Each grouping was an intricate weaving of "facts"."

There were other different dreams (one was with Diane (sister) and AnnH who are Entity Mates and others) but they all had this sense of intricacy and keeping track.
 

Edited by Maureen
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KurtisM    2,657
KurtisM

I'm on the same bandwagon.

 

I had a dream where my friends and I entered this building because we were now of legal age. The interactions in it were so lively, just like how it would be irl. But weirdly the building's interior resembled a computer lab classroom (I thought it'd be a dance club) with a higher roof and I got a sense of deja vu in it.

I think it's a scene from an older dream of mine.

We got our food bowls ready after making them with the guidance of my boss (lol) in this huge kitchen. And then casually ate and talked about stuff that I don't remember.

I do remember saying to myself after a bit that I was dissapointed the food had so much oil in it, though XD Also another scene where I picked up some stuff a girl had dropped but she was passive-aggressively rude princess-type. I looked past that in the dream though. I guess dream me is learning XD

 

Before/during that there were also scenes of being in my old grandma's house, which frequently reoccurs in my dreams as a focal environment weirdly.

I don't remember much else other than bursting out in outrage when someone innnocently sage-like in that place kept pulling tricks on me.

 

I'm slowly getting better at remembering. Looking forward to the ER!

Edited by KurtisM

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Juni    2,396
Juni
3 hours ago, Maureen said:

 

@Juni,  here's a short excerpt I wrote yesterday morning:  

 

"They all seemed to be intricate dreams like keeping track. There was a tightness like there is when you weave something. In one Donna (friend - Server-cast Scholar from C1E6) was researching and keeping track of love lives, literally. I got the impressive she was doing this for me (in the dream). She was sitting in a chair at a typewriter meticulously keeping records. She was up to her third grouping. Each grouping was an intricate weaving of "facts"."

There were other different dreams (one was with Diane (sister) and AnnH who are Entity Mates and others) but they all had this sense of intricacy and keeping track.
 

I've been having sorting dreams during Nexuses for a while now. Nice to know others are "tracking" things. I seem to do it by how much of the floor is visible afterward, it's nice to hear about Scholars keeping records even in dreams. My Scholar husband is constantly "making notes" about things.
Were any of them "whole cloth?" Or some sort of garment, in the end?

Edited by Juni
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Leela Corman    888
Leela Corman

I've just been a giant soggy empathy mess all week, so it sure feels like something's going on. Had an intense weekend because of one friend in particular, who did a couple of unexpected emotional things, one of which tripped my own wires in a way that caused me to feel very intense empathy for him and for myself - similar self dep issues mirroring one another, I think...mirroring isn't exactly the word I want but it'll have to do for now. This friend struggles more with it due to deep depression; I've learned to manage mine more and I'm not depressed. We had a much needed conversation about it that was very adult, which was nice, because the last time I had a friendship/collaboration with someone where our issues came out to play like that, it was a codependent mess. This was intense but loving, and everyone owned their stuff. But afterwards, I had a very strong emotional reaction that included feeling a lot of sorrow for both of us. A lot of old stuff came up. I am very lucky in that I don't suffer from depression, through sheer chemical luck. I'm very high-functioning, so people don't realize I'm often having little trauma reactions that can sometimes be disorienting, and at other times make me snappish and impatient. I realized that sometimes I get tired of being so high functioning, because it means I never really get to the point where I clearly say that I need a friend. I just kind of carry it, act out, move on. And I realized, after dealing with a couple of close friends with self-destructive tendencies, that while I don't share that - I suck at self-destructive behaviors - I sometimes in the past have harmed myself, deeply. So I've been kind of turning all this stuff over in my head and heart all week. I've been stressed out by it for days. This morning, though, a funny thing happened: I was lying in bed feeling like a big sadness-soaked sponge, when I suddenly just felt it shift, as though something inside just said, "Okay, that's enough now, you don't have to spend today feeling sad." I got out of bed and started my day and while I feel very emotional, the worry and stress are mostly gone.

 

I think this friend is an entity mate. Gonna need to find out.

Edited by Leela Corman
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