Troy

Energy Report: MARCH 2017

32 posts in this topic

I think I'm experiencing peace "not being pretty", to paraphrase Michael. I feel beat up inside. Having conflict with my husband, some necessary (peace not being pretty, illustrated ), some just not at all. The graphic novel I'm working on is so grim and stressful that I'm becoming concerned about my long term emotional health and ability to be present for my family. I find myself needing to crawl under a blanket at 6 pm sometimes after working on it. I'm so tired. I feel hypersensitive and in retrospect some of the reactions I'm having to people and to the world seem like trauma reactions. I'm drawing concentration camps every day, post-liberation; this chapter takes place at the liberation of Buchenwald. I'm painting piles of emaciated corpses. For very unfortunate personal reasons, I know how to mix paint in the exact color of a corpse, and that's what I spent today doing. My shoulders hurt in a way I recognize as emotionally related. So I'm not sure how I need to care for myself so that I can sustain this project and also be a mom and partner and teacher. The whole book isn't this, luckily. But I can feel crucial parts of myself shutting off as I work on it, and it worries me.

 

I'm finding myself enraged, and having a strong desire to put a metaphorical boot through art that doesn't reflect adult experiences. I guess being enraged is a sane response to things right now, honestly. So that actually doesn't worry me. But none of this is pleasurable. I'm good at pleasure, though, at this point in my life. I didn't and don't need to be reminded of its uses. I'm just feeling other things right now.

 

I have no idea what my "cause" is. My work might be. It's relevant to now. It's anti-Fascist and anti-genocide. But it sure ain't pretty.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Leela Corman
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3 hours ago, Leela Corman said:

I think I'm experiencing peace "not being pretty", to paraphrase Michael. I feel beat up inside. Having conflict with my husband, some necessary (peace not being pretty, illustrated ), some just not at all. The graphic novel I'm working on is so grim and stressful that I'm becoming concerned about my long term emotional health and ability to be present for my family. I find myself needing to crawl under a blanket at 6 pm sometimes after working on it. I'm so tired. I feel hypersensitive and in retrospect some of the reactions I'm having to people and to the world seem like trauma reactions. I'm drawing concentration camps every day, post-liberation; this chapter takes place at the liberation of Buchenwald. I'm painting piles of emaciated corpses. For very unfortunate personal reasons, I know how to mix paint in the exact color of a corpse, and that's what I spent today doing. My shoulders hurt in a way I recognize as emotionally related. So I'm not sure how I need to care for myself so that I can sustain this project and also be a mom and partner and teacher. The whole book isn't this, luckily. But I can feel crucial parts of myself shutting off as I work on it, and it worries me.

 

I'm finding myself enraged, and having a strong desire to put a metaphorical boot through art that doesn't reflect adult experiences. I guess being enraged is a sane response to things right now, honestly. So that actually doesn't worry me. But none of this is pleasurable. I'm good at pleasure, though, at this point in my life. I didn't and don't need to be reminded of its uses. I'm just feeling other things right now.

 

I have no idea what my "cause" is. My work might be. It's relevant to now. It's anti-Fascist and anti-genocide. But it sure ain't pretty.

 



If you can't take a break from it entirely, could you perhaps skip forward, work on another part of the book for a time?  Your work is important, to be sure, but it can't be good for it OR for you to strain yourself to such a degree.

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@Sam K There's no way to get a break, it's the book I'm under contract to do right now, by my own design. I just didn't anticipate the Buchenwald part being so involved, nor did I expect that it would drag me so far down. I'm not a fragile person. After the election, that became the part I felt most drawn to work on. There are other parts, and when I get back to researching and drawing those, it will get less heavy (especially the part about women's sideshow wrestling, pretty excited about that). But right now, I'm also under contract to produce a short excerpt for a magazine in the next month, and it's an extremely grim part. Honestly, I believe deeply in art that makes us look into the abyss. Some of my favorite artists are Otto Dix and Kara Walker, both masters of the visceral and disturbing. This is not gratuitous gross-out art. I hate that stuff. Dix enlisted in the army during WW1, and afterwards created the most unflinching art about it, including his Krieg print series, compassionate portraits of wounded veterans reduced to begging and widows reduced to streetwalking after the war, and his stunning Krieg triptych, which I someday hope to see in real life. And Kara Walker is creating work right now that forces us to confront America's history of racism and violence towards black people at the deepest gut level. It could not have been easy for Dix to make this art (go google it, seriously, he was a master), and it cannot be easy for Walker. They both were/are fully realized humans with kids and lives outside the studio. I wish I could talk to them, frankly. I'd ask them for tips.

Of course, it's still just pictures. Granted, it's pictures of horrible things that really happened, but it's not Doctors Without Borders. I'm not in a raft on the Mediterranean with my family, I'm not in an ER surrounded by suffering. So this is basically all I can do, is draw these pictures. I don't know how people who work directly with suffering people leave it at work.

Edited by Leela Corman
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@Leela Corman, I know how I felt when I went to the slavery museum in Cincinatti years ago. Seeing the actual chains my ancestors were put in left me with a visceral reaction. I was exhausted after that visit. Whenever I see that image of the hold of a slave ship with the bodies stacked like blocks I get an uncomfortable feeling in my gut. I exist because my ancestors went thru that. Needless to say, I experience different emotions when I really think about it. It can all be condensed into something akin to awe. I can imagine how uncomfortable it must be to draw those pictures line by line, detail by detail. I would probably need a xanax to get thru it and a very very funny comedy to watch at the end of the day. Mindless comedies always help me when I need an emotional break. Step Brothers makes me laugh every time I watch it. Will Ferrell's movies in general tend to make me laugh, but Step Brothers is a special kind of stupid that pokes fun at itself. Also, to keep me from having a freaking stroke over all the bullshit the trump administration is doing I've dived into the books from that show The Expanse. There are I think 6 of them and I just finished book 3. It's engrossing. I've been thinking of it as me time. I also listen to a lot of podcasts, which I find to be a good thing to have in the background that engages part of my brain while I work or do some task that involves my hands. 

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On 15/03/2017 at 7:04 AM, Nadine said:

Did anyone of you feel the Energy Shift?

 

I was really hoping for this one, because I'm still quite overwhelmed with my workload and exhausted because we've been understaffed for almost four months now and I had my move going on at the same time. But I didn't really feel any effect from the Shift

 

Maybe I'm more on the Peace side, because I decided I want to get back to my channeling practice and will try to get my focus back on that as soon as I'll get rid of this frickin cold I've come down with....

 

I dare say that I did. But it started earlier than 9th. I was even slightly surprised about how I was "feeling" about my Cause. Almost a little startled! Couldn't identify why "rest" from it felt so good and right. It was first with help of the Report I understood why this current feeling of "rest" (I suppose it is as far as I can stretch to pleasure :) ) doesn't feel like I am abandoning my Cause but simply taking a break from it in a moment in time that is suitable and appropriate for it.

 

Not sure if it makes sense... 

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@ckaricai I can't imagine being confronted with those chains and knowing that they once held your ancestors. I'm crying just typing that. When I read about slavery I want to vomit, it literally turns my stomach. I think one of my dearest wishes for humanity is that we somehow find ways to collectively confront all of this trauma. It's so obviously connected to so much that is wrong in this country now. Yet people want to deny any connection between people's current circumstances and (recent!) history, as if centuries of slavery and institutionalized racism just vanish overnight. 

 

Humanity is in general traumatized. We're in an abusive relationship with ourselves. I hear you on comedy. I got through the Bush years watching The Young Ones. 

 

Today was better, for whatever reason. Maybe because I worked out first. 

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It's been a few months since I puffed on the delicious tobacco. Remembered bumming, buying, and having the intense cravings for those heavenly sticks of burning tastiness. So far, feels like the body has less blockages and cleaner.

 

On the quit booze self-promise, failed on that one. One of the family peeps almost thrown out five cans of craft beer, ended up drinking it, oops. :)

 

Lastly, decided to go back on the NoFapperino journey (again) after taking a break from it since the beginning of this current year.

 

Cool report, it has been one of most restful months in awhile and it was needed, maybe.

Edited by Joe
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