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DianeHB

How to deal with someone in -Ingratiation?

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DianeHB

There's a young lady at my work (24 years old) who is very bright and sharp-minded, but has a lot of drama and ups and downs. She has now changed positions twice within the company because we love her and want to keep her, but when the drama is high, she ends up skipping too much work and becomes a drain on other people. I don't have her profile channeled, but she is probably a Sage in Passion mode. A lot of her problems stem from not being able to handle conflict and not wanting people to be upset (and some of it is just lack of experience). For instance, when she was the customer service rep, a job she hated, she would get horribly stressed out when dealing with upset customers, and she would turn around and get angry with coworkers who made the mistakes. When she was the executive assistant and we had her do phone screenings of prospective new hires, she would work too hard to make them happy rather than actually screen people. Now she works for me as the purchaser, and I've noticed her getting worked up about the company not going with through with a purchase because she had become friendly with the salesperson. I had a realization a couple nights ago that this was probably -Ingratiation, negative pole of Acceptance. I try to reason with her sometimes, but logic doesn't always help her feel any better. For any of you out there with the goal of Acceptance or who live with those that have it - do you have any suggestions on how to work with someone who's in the negative pole? 

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Bobby

Sounds like she could use a few samples!  :)

 

But using that hands across method, she would have to practice some refinement (positive pole of Discrimination) to attempt to get back to her own positive pole.  Can you give a minimum number of acceptable (to you) choices of which she has to choose one until she feels more comfortable making her own choices without more input?

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estoy

maybe talk with her one to one tell her what she made good and then tell her what you don't like about her work... no guarantee that this will work though

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DianeHB

Unfortunately, she has too much shame for me to talk about it openly. She shuts down and runs away (and has done this before more than once). Stealth mode only. 

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KurtisM

Negative poles in goals start to show up in the body as blockages of energy leading to frustration. I've noticed those in Acceptance around me feel the most defeated and frustrated when their efforts to be liked or likable aren't working.

It's hard to communicate with them because they're so bent on being accepted and accepting; they want to be, but they constantly find reasons for why they or others are not or can't. They often deal more with what they don't accept by forcing themselves to accept, than actually genuinely accepting. 

It sounds like she might fear change, worthlessness and inadequacy, but who knows??

 

Anyways since I have family members with this goal, reassurance, openness, gratitude for their help/support, recognition of their efforts, and honesty have always been vital. Sometimes they get so angry and defensive, blaming everyone and everything and themselves to compact their own guilt. I have to focus then on composure, communication and de-escalation.

One method that might help is to look at what center she might be missing, and helping her to develop, tend to, or nurture that.

If she's missing the intellect she probably isn't thinking much, or analysing, assessing, differentiating, gaining any insight etc. and that's where you could help. If it's the emotional, she probably is shoving her feelings+inspirations to the side, and this is coming up in bursts where she'd need to recognize the validity+support from intuition and trust. If it's the moving, she's probably not letting the energy flow through, isn't taking any risks or actions that can help improve anything, and agitation+anxiety+depression is taking over.

 

The other method is to focus directly on either your attitude and improving the quality of your own choices around her, or to focus on her attitude and see what it is she might need to do, think or feel.

Well it would involve both sides, but maybe a focus on how she's listening might helpmore than how to change her interpretations directly.

 

That's the best I can offer for now.

 

Edited by KurtisM
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H2nna

What Bobby said. Everyone in acceptance needs to realize that it's impossible to please everyone. She needs to learn how to prioritize (or discriminate) and you might be a good teacher for that.

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Ingun

Maybe she needs some help to find FLOW and move into the Positive Pole of Freedom before it's even possible to consider DISCRIMINATION and it's Positive Pole of Sophistication.

 

In Freedom she can let go of everything, have a break and see clearly again. Diane, you know The Goal of Flow and with your Server casting I think you can be a key here.

 

Maybe having somebody's guidance with awareness of all the choices available...

 

And then, I can only speak from my own lessons...

Learning to choose that which is in harmony with me, that which is in resonance with me - is a big YES to myself - and a NO to that which is not in harmony with me (which also can mean other people). In that I continue to find the Acceptance or Agape for myself, the Love for myself, and my value, and that made it easier to accept anything unacceptable.

 

Awareness to boundaries is also a theme in learning to say Yes/No and expressing it.

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Connor

She sounds like more trouble than she's worth. Easy to say from my cushy seat in the peanut gallery, I know. But if you, the 'boss' in this scenario, need to go to such lengths to accommodate her personality...well, is she really worth the trouble? Is she that integral to the morale of the company?

The most you can do is remain patient and avoid allowing your own feelings to amplify the situation if you want to keep her, or set some boundaries and cut her loose if she continues to cross them.

You're a very kind employer, I think, to allow her such leeway. But if she keeps dragging the company down, you'll need to make a hard choice.

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Bogi
On 18.10.2016 at 8:34 AM, KurtisM said:

I've noticed those in Acceptance around me feel the most defeated and frustrated when their efforts to be liked or likable aren't working.

Well, I have got my profile from Troy (finally 😇) and am currently working on validating it. According to Troy, my Goal is Acceptance and yes, the above description, the feeling of being defeated and frustrated when my efforts are not being met with recognition is true.

 

On 18.10.2016 at 8:34 AM, KurtisM said:

If it's the moving, she's probably not letting the energy flow through, isn't taking any risks or actions that can help improve anything, and agitation+anxiety+depression is taking over.

Yes.

If no action is being taken, it will form a kind of blockage in that person that can lead to agitation and at the end maybe to depression.

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Cong
1 hour ago, Bibi said:

Well, I have got my profile from Troy (finally 1f607.png)

Please post soon! Can’t wait to see your new profile :) I’m most curious about the cadre and entity - which admittedly is hard to validate ...😉

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Luciana Flora

I'm curious too. I would like to see your profile.

 

As Cong said I find it very difficult to validate cadre and entity. Unless you know other people of the same cardre and entity. The little that I know about my entity seems to make sense to me.

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Bogi
35 minutes ago, Cong said:

Please post soon! Can’t wait to see your new profile :) I’m most curious about the cadre and entity - which admittedly is hard to validate ...1f609.png

Well, I am working myself through it bit by bit. It will take some time. Even though I had my AHA-moments with Troy´s version, I need to take a look at it. I post it bit by bit, where I am ""finished" and then write a write-up post about it.

Validating a profile can be quite nerving. 🤓

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Maureen

Here's an older blog post of mine - Truth, Acceptance and Innocence - where I discussed the Goals of Acceptance and Discrimination with Michael and a short excerpt for those that don't like the long form. Hope it helps.  :wind:

 

MEntity:  And this then speaks to the second angle on the matter:

 

MEntity:  That such situations allow for one's true obstacles to the Goal to be seen.

 

Maureen:  Acceptance and Discrimination are the two Goals at play here.

 

MEntity:  Those who are on the Expression Axis of Acceptance or Discrimination can tend to have much higher (or lower) standards of what should and should not be expressed, both from the self and from others, as a means of being accepted.

 

MEntity:  Telling the truth, or qualifying one's truth, is extremely important in this case, and when it is so sloppily expressed (by your standards), then it is seen as necessary to Reject or as being a form of Ingratiation.

 

MEntity:  For the one in Discrimination, outright Rejection is obvious in its expression, but if the Goal is to be reached, it would mean returning to a calculated Refinement of examination.

 

MEntity:  For the one in Acceptance, it can be a bit more difficult, because your negative pole response to accepting someone whom you feel is not acceptable can be Ingratiation, or being fake.

 

MEntity:  Now the entire concept of truth has become a complicated matter, because how can you uphold the value of truth when you are "being courteously fake" as a means to not offend.

 

Maureen:  Yes – hence my extreme discomfort.

 

MEntity:  The more loving and peaceful solution here is not as complicated as the false courtesy.

 

MEntity:  False courtesy requires you to override your own wish to express your truth, ingratiating yourself to the situation.

 

MEntity:  That is exhausting.

 

 

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Bobby
31 minutes ago, Bibi said:

Well, I am working myself through it bit by bit. It will take some time. Even though I had my AHA-moments with Troy´s version, I need to take a look at it. I post it bit by bit, where I am ""finished" and then write a write-up post about it.

Validating a profile can be quite nerving. 1f913.png

 

It's 100% up to you of course but posting it doesn't mean that you unequivocally accept it as being true for you.  In fact, posting and discussing now the parts of it that are hardest for you to validate may even help in that process, especially if others get to chime in on how they see you.  It's often hard for us to see ourselves as others see us  :)

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Bogi
11 minutes ago, Bobby said:

It's often hard for us to see ourselves as others see us  :)

That is again true. 😉

How other see you, how you see yourself and then your True Self (aka Akashic records).

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Evelin

@DianeHB, I don't envy your position... perhaps some conflict resolution workshop for her? Sounds like she wants to be friends with everyone, but she needs to see clearly what her actual job is, and separate the relationships she develops during work from the actual work. She can still friends with the salesperson you might not buy from if she's honest about the work part... does she know that?

Or maybe she just has a bad need to vent? (loudly, emotionally... how I dislike that in a workplace) Then I feel sorry for you!

 

When I worked in customer service, they sent us to a conflict resolution workshop and it was surprising to me how 95% of people in the room said they feel uncomfortable with conflict. They were all people's people -- warm, emotional, affectionate, polite and I loved them dearly, but I was in the other 5%. But for both groups, that's what the rules of the workplace are for, so you have a framework to help you even where you have to say No.

 

My husband has Acceptance and I can see it physically hurts him to disagree, so he often stays silent. Not a Sage though, nor in Passion. But I know a Passionate Sage cast Artisan who can smile and say "Yes, absolutely" to most anything... without meaning anything by it. Politician material.

 

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DianeHB

@Evelin This was actually posted a year ago and I'm no longer at that company and nor is she. lol I don't think I could've helped her with her issues, but she's a great person and we're still friends.

 

1 hour ago, Evelin said:

My husband has Acceptance and I can see it physically hurts him to disagree, so he often stays silent. Not a Sage though, nor in Passion. But I know a Passionate Sage cast Artisan who can smile and say "Yes, absolutely" to most anything... without meaning anything by it. Politician material.

 

I have had experiences with a close Sage friend who has a habit of promising things, even little things like saying he'll call me back, and not follow through, or not saying no when I ask for something even though he can't do it, so he just pushes off having to say no until the very last minute. I'm someone never says or promises anything I can't follow through, and this behavior pisses me off to no end.

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Bobby
8 minutes ago, DianeHB said:

I'm someone never says or promises anything I can't follow through, and this behavior pisses me off to no end.

 

 

That's your slide to Perseverance breaking through  :)

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DianeHB
5 minutes ago, Bobby said:

 

That's your slide to Perseverance breaking through  :)

 

I don't think it's just that though.  I think for an Action role,  who you are is what you do and not what you say.  I can cut through a lot of bullshit that way. It's also a matter of trust and integrity. If someone tells me they're going to do something, I believe them until I have reasons not to. If they have a habit of not doing what they say they're going to do, they become untrustworthy because their words are meaningless. Promising what they have no intention of doing is the same as lying. 

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Uma

It's one of my pet peeves--people who do not keep their word AND they don't inform you that they can't or aren't going to until after the fact/time. It makes me angry and destroys the relationship. If I can't count on a person to do what he or she says, I have no patience or respect for that person. Sometimes, as in a case with my neighbor, I let it slide because I already know they can't be relied upon, but they always offer. I've learned to say 'No thank you." 

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Luciana Flora
50 minutes ago, DianeHB said:
2 hours ago, Evelin said:

 

I have had experiences with a close Sage friend who has a habit of promising things, even little things like saying he'll call me back, and not follow through, or not saying no when I ask for something even though he can't do it, so he just pushes off having to say no until the very last minute. I'm someone never says or promises anything I can't follow through, and this behavior pisses me off to no end.

I found this interesting because I had a friend (spoke in the past because we are away) that when I moved to another city he said he would see me visit me. It's been 3 years and he never came. And when I asked him he said he would come soon. I never liked that one any time soon. This could be tomorrow or in 10 years.

I started to wonder if he really wanted to come visit me. And I was not believing that much anymore. Until he walked away without giving any satisfaction. And the interesting thing is that according to Michael he is also a sage.

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Evelin
On 11/6/2017 at 6:05 PM, DianeHB said:

@Evelin This was actually posted a year ago and I'm no longer at that company and nor is she. lol I don't think I could've helped her with her issues, but she's a great person and we're still friends.

 

I have had experiences with a close Sage friend who has a habit of promising things, even little things like saying he'll call me back, and not follow through, or not saying no when I ask for something even though he can't do it, so he just pushes off having to say no until the very last minute. I'm someone never says or promises anything I can't follow through, and this behavior pisses me off to no end.

 

Oh, I just live in my own, timeless world... LOL! Glad you're still friends, though.

 

I recall a line from Yarbro about Sages having a need to sugarcoat anything they see as a bitter pill.

I think for some people being "nice" is the polite thing to do, while for others being honest is the polite thing to do. Cultural differences matter as well, I know in many places saying "We should have lunch some time" essentially means "It was nice meeting you, bye". I just read a fun essay about polite cultures and direct cultures. @DanielaS, you seem to have experience from both types of cultures, are you internally confused? :)

 

My husband's mother, who I also suspect is a Sage, has a way of saying an enthusiastic "Yes" to anything my child asks her to do, and half the time she has no intention of doing it, but she can't do direct confrontation or say a clear "No". Always cracks me up how it confuses my rather direct daughter.

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DanielaS
2 hours ago, Evelin said:

@DanielaS, you seem to have experience from both types of cultures, are you internally confused? :)

 

LOL. Funny you mention this. You mean my experience with German and American culture? I was raised in the American culture so I've got the imprinting of wanting to be "nice" and avoid conflict, and so in social situations I used to avoid saying Yes/No definitively and then misunderstandings would ensue. This really came to light when I lived in Germany for a year. If a German invites you to a party and you say "Yes," you BETTER show up. In the US, it's kind of understood that a "Yes" to a party invitation is more of a "Maybe" and doesn't necessarily mean you'll show up. I hurt someone's feelings doing this, and the relationship didn't survive.

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Evelin
1 hour ago, DanielaS said:

 

LOL. Funny you mention this. You mean my experience with German and American culture? I was raised in the American culture so I've got the imprinting of wanting to be "nice" and avoid conflict, and so in social situations I used to avoid saying Yes/No definitively and then misunderstandings would ensue. This really came to light when I lived in Germany for a year. If a German invites you to a party and you say "Yes," you BETTER show up. In the US, it's kind of understood that a "Yes" to a party invitation is more of a "Maybe" and doesn't necessarily mean you'll show up. I hurt someone's feelings doing this, and the relationship didn't survive.

Yes, that's what I meant. I recall you had a partly German childhood. Ouch, that's an unfortunate case, your party invitation! I take the "maybe" route in such situations, or say "We'll see".
 

Estonia has much German influence, historically, so once we have befriended someone and have decided to actually speak, it's going to be more direct than not ;) I rather liked the Dutch with their familiarity and directness. I'm somewhat used to Americans by now, although I find New Yorkers completely different from the rest (more understandable), but some Brits still baffle me sometimes with the thickness of their polite shell, I never quite understand what's underneath.

 

My husband worked in an international setting for a while and once on a bad mood day he said: "Today, the first smiling American who doesn't even know my name but cheerfully asks me in passing in the corridor "How are you doing?", will hear how I'm ACTUALLY doing in response!" (Which would have been "Entirely crappy, thank you.") LOL

For us it can be insincere to be overly friendly with people you hardly, while for the other party "overly friendly" is the normal polite level. Tricky, those cultural traps.

 

So, in a massively broad conclusion, I guess one input Roles are a bit German and the Expressives especially are English-speaking 😉

 

Edited by Evelin
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