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DianeHB

How to deal with someone in -Ingratiation?

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DianeHB    3,735
DianeHB

There's a young lady at my work (24 years old) who is very bright and sharp-minded, but has a lot of drama and ups and downs. She has now changed positions twice within the company because we love her and want to keep her, but when the drama is high, she ends up skipping too much work and becomes a drain on other people. I don't have her profile channeled, but she is probably a Sage in Passion mode. A lot of her problems stem from not being able to handle conflict and not wanting people to be upset (and some of it is just lack of experience). For instance, when she was the customer service rep, a job she hated, she would get horribly stressed out when dealing with upset customers, and she would turn around and get angry with coworkers who made the mistakes. When she was the executive assistant and we had her do phone screenings of prospective new hires, she would work too hard to make them happy rather than actually screen people. Now she works for me as the purchaser, and I've noticed her getting worked up about the company not going with through with a purchase because she had become friendly with the salesperson. I had a realization a couple nights ago that this was probably -Ingratiation, negative pole of Acceptance. I try to reason with her sometimes, but logic doesn't always help her feel any better. For any of you out there with the goal of Acceptance or who live with those that have it - do you have any suggestions on how to work with someone who's in the negative pole? 

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Bobby    5,362
Bobby

Sounds like she could use a few samples!  :)

 

But using that hands across method, she would have to practice some refinement (positive pole of Discrimination) to attempt to get back to her own positive pole.  Can you give a minimum number of acceptable (to you) choices of which she has to choose one until she feels more comfortable making her own choices without more input?

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estoy    463
estoy

maybe talk with her one to one tell her what she made good and then tell her what you don't like about her work... no guarantee that this will work though

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DianeHB    3,735
DianeHB

Unfortunately, she has too much shame for me to talk about it openly. She shuts down and runs away (and has done this before more than once). Stealth mode only. 

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KurtisM    2,378
KurtisM

Negative poles in goals start to show up in the body as blockages of energy leading to frustration. I've noticed those in Acceptance around me feel the most defeated and frustrated when their efforts to be liked or likable aren't working.

It's hard to communicate with them because they're so bent on being accepted and accepting; they want to be, but they constantly find reasons for why they or others are not or can't. They often deal more with what they don't accept by forcing themselves to accept, than actually genuinely accepting. 

It sounds like she might fear change, worthlessness and inadequacy, but who knows??

 

Anyways since I have family members with this goal, reassurance, openness, gratitude for their help/support, recognition of their efforts, and honesty have always been vital. Sometimes they get so angry and defensive, blaming everyone and everything and themselves to compact their own guilt. I have to focus then on composure, communication and de-escalation.

One method that might help is to look at what center she might be missing, and helping her to develop, tend to, or nurture that.

If she's missing the intellect she probably isn't thinking much, or analysing, assessing, differentiating, gaining any insight etc. and that's where you could help. If it's the emotional, she probably is shoving her feelings+inspirations to the side, and this is coming up in bursts where she'd need to recognize the validity+support from intuition and trust. If it's the moving, she's probably not letting the energy flow through, isn't taking any risks or actions that can help improve anything, and agitation+anxiety+depression is taking over.

 

The other method is to focus directly on either your attitude and improving the quality of your own choices around her, or to focus on her attitude and see what it is she might need to do, think or feel.

Well it would involve both sides, but maybe a focus on how she's listening might helpmore than how to change her interpretations directly.

 

That's the best I can offer for now.

 

Edited by KurtisM
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H2nna    643
H2nna

What Bobby said. Everyone in acceptance needs to realize that it's impossible to please everyone. She needs to learn how to prioritize (or discriminate) and you might be a good teacher for that.

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Ingun    2,370
Ingun

Maybe she needs some help to find FLOW and move into the Positive Pole of Freedom before it's even possible to consider DISCRIMINATION and it's Positive Pole of Sophistication.

 

In Freedom she can let go of everything, have a break and see clearly again. Diane, you know The Goal of Flow and with your Server casting I think you can be a key here.

 

Maybe having somebody's guidance with awareness of all the choices available...

 

And then, I can only speak from my own lessons...

Learning to choose that which is in harmony with me, that which is in resonance with me - is a big YES to myself - and a NO to that which is not in harmony with me (which also can mean other people). In that I continue to find the Acceptance or Agape for myself, the Love for myself, and my value, and that made it easier to accept anything unacceptable.

 

Awareness to boundaries is also a theme in learning to say Yes/No and expressing it.

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Connor    853
Connor

She sounds like more trouble than she's worth. Easy to say from my cushy seat in the peanut gallery, I know. But if you, the 'boss' in this scenario, need to go to such lengths to accommodate her personality...well, is she really worth the trouble? Is she that integral to the morale of the company?

The most you can do is remain patient and avoid allowing your own feelings to amplify the situation if you want to keep her, or set some boundaries and cut her loose if she continues to cross them.

You're a very kind employer, I think, to allow her such leeway. But if she keeps dragging the company down, you'll need to make a hard choice.

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