[Excerpt from Maureen's session, Truth, Acceptance and Innocence, posted November 19, 2013]
Those who are on the Expression Axis of Acceptance or Discrimination can tend to have much higher (or lower) standards of what should and should not be expressed, both from the self and from others, as a means of being accepted.
Telling the truth, or qualifying one's truth, is extremely important in this case, and when it is so sloppily expressed (by your standards), then it is seen as necessary to Reject or as being a form of Ingratiation.
For the one in Discrimination, outright Rejection is obvious in its expression, but if the Goal is to be reached, it would mean returning to a calculated Refinement of examination.
For the one in Acceptance, it can be a bit more difficult, because your negative pole response to accepting someone whom you feel is not acceptable can be Ingratiation, or being fake.
Now the entire concept of truth has become a complicated matter, because how can you uphold the value of truth when you are "being courteously fake" as a means to not offend.
Maureen: Yes – hence my extreme discomfort.
The more loving and peaceful solution here is not as complicated as the false courtesy.
False courtesy requires you to override your own wish to express your truth, ingratiating yourself to the situation. That is exhausting.
However, all one would have to do is express one's own truth to return back to a loving and peaceful position and comfort and wholeness.
The key being that your truth is no more valuable than their truth, though.
Your anger and agitation is not with this person, but with yourself for not knowing how to bring your truth into the exchange, and forcing yourself to ingratiate yourself.
Assigning your anger to the appropriate place is the first thing to be done.
"Okay, yes, I am angry at myself for not knowing how to handle this without looking like an ass."
Now that this is out of the way, you can return to expressing your own truth, but in an invitational way, not in a way that is reprimanding, combative, or shaming.
Backing off will help you to keep from Ingratiation, and that is a valid choice, but keep in mind that if you remember that your agitation is generated from within, and not actually from this person, then your exchanges could be fun, instead of so challenging.
When your motivation is Compassion, and not Zeal, you will feel that shift away from agitation.
When your Acceptance is in Agape, and not Ingratiation, you will feel that shift away from agitation.