From a private session on 10/21/2011
[MEntity] Hello to you, Diane. We are here. We may respond to your questions now.
[Diane_H] I had been experiencing a decreased sexual desire for about a year, which brought up a lot of anxiety and worry about my sex life. I finally got around to doing some self healing on the issue (clearing the underlying emotions) recently. After that my heart chakra felt more open again, and the feeling of being "in love" came back to me. Can you comment on what was causing this "blockage"?
First, this is yet another incarnation, and a rather insidious one at that, of the same self-karmic dance between you, and what you think should be you. Or who you are vs what you or others expect yourself to be. And even more specifically: HOW you are vs how you expect yourself to be.
That is the first thing to consider: that there is nothing "wrong" here, or even in need of healing, except in terms of your understanding that your sex drive is your own, and not a drive that is necessary to meet the standards of anyone, any society, or even a mate.
Next, this is a precarious conundrum that many Older souls eventually face: that sex is simply NOT what it is/was cracked up to be, at least in terms of priority and emphasis, especially once love has come into the picture. Sex becomes a PART of the picture, if at all, and not the focus of the picture, if you will.
In a society that generates conflict in its people through pushes toward sexualizing everything while also making nearly all of that same sexualizing taboo, the pressure for an Older soul in a younger body to somehow exemplify his or her presence through sexual stimulation is intense, to say the least.
This pressure is fairly easy to navigate when one is not in a relationship, but once one is faced with the pressure of expressing one's love through sexual stimulation, the pressure triggers an Old Soul defiance. That defiance is usually just a means for upholding the integrity of the love, and a passive form of honesty, rather than being something "wrong."
However, the Older soul will take advantage of this unique situation, especially if mated with a fellow Old soul. By this we mean that the sense of "wrongness" prompts such deep, internal exploration, that it does lead to opportunities for healing that may otherwise have been missed, especially in contexts that relate to shame, body image/consciousness, and internal incongruities.
The greatest considerations that any Older soul can give to such conflicting feelings about sexual exchanges are:
ONE) That the Older soul aims for sexual union, rather than sexual stimulation. The difference here is that one is a state of resonance that is profound, and the other is the use of a partner as an extension of masturbation. The Older soul does not need a mate as an extension of pleasuring the self, but chooses a mate as an extension of wholeness.
When that relationship eventually comes, the vastness of the wholeness can make sex SEEM as if it has lost its presence, but it has not; it has merely become a part of the vastness. In other relationships, it is often the only medium through which "love" is considered valid or expressed.
A relationship that expands upon one's wholeness is rare, so there is usually no orientation or precedence for it, and it can often feel as if something is wrong, when it is actually "righter" than ever.
TWO) Sexual stimulation is something the Older soul knows is more easily accessed than nearly anything on the planet. If one is starving, he cannot always find food. If one is thirsting, he cannot always find water. But if one is feeling sexual, even if hungry or thirsty, he can satisfy himself.
When a relationship comes along that brings with it a wholeness that is rare, and as such is something that not only "you" have desired, but Essence, as well, the emphasis moves toward Agape.
Sexual stimulation is a means for pleasuring the body, but Sexual union is pleasure for the both the body and Essence, and when this is accepted, turns into a kind of ecstasy. Sexual stimulation is fulfilled through attraction, whereas sexual union is fulfilled through affection. Affection is the most-immediate means through which Agape is fulfilled.
As an aside: We define Sex as "moving in unison with something other than self."
With that being said, the Older soul in a healthy relationship tends to discover that sexual stimulation pales in comparison to the affection that has been missing in the life for so long. Once the affection is embraced as the actual focus of the relationship, the sexual attraction and stimulation tends to return, but that time to bask in the affection must be embraced. We say "must be embraced," not as an instruction, but as a part of the equation to returning to a healthy sexual exchange that would be even more satisfying than expected.
As we said at the beginning, the drop in sexual emphasis is a form of honesty, because when agape and affection is present, it just does not "feel right" to funnel it through the crudeness of simple stimulation.
[Diane_H] What about when my partner has a stronger sex drive than I do?
[MEntity] Then it is an opportunity for communication and expression of affection, honesty, intimacy, and not an opportunity for feeling shame, inadequacy, or failure.
Sex drives will always fluctuate in timing between fragments, but this is part of the dynamic of any level of a relationship, from moods to sex to creativity, to need for private time to socializing, etc.
The irony in expressing affection, honesty, and intimacy in response to the differences in sex drives at the time is that just allowing yourself and your mate to have that freedom almost always helps lift any inhibitions that were otherwise felt necessary for upholding that same honesty.
It also helps to keep in mind that your mate is not "wrong" for having a higher drive than your own at the time, but that it is just different at the moment, or altogether. Allowing yourself to own your craving for exchange of affection, honesty, and intimacy can tend to prompt surrender to the needs of a mate in a way that is fulfilling, and not just a compromise or negotiation.
In other words, in bringing the emphasis of honesty, affection, and intimacy to the forefront for yourself and your relationship, through talk, action, and internal embrace, it tends to automatically free sexual exchange from the defiance that was only there to help steer you toward the emphasis of honesty, affection, and intimacy in the first place.
The steps to take in your talk, action, and internal embrace might go like this:
First, discuss the bliss and ecstasy of your shared affection as a very real thing that is new and/or rare to both of you. If that is a valid truth for both of you internally, then sharing this externally brings it to a state of True Validation. This is vital, because if one or both of you do not Truly Validate this, you may eventually second-guess and dismiss even the most beautiful of moments between you.
[Diane_H] I think we've already done that.
Second, collapse into a period of time that just ALLOWS THAT TO BE TRUE. By this we mean that both of you express and confirm your attraction to one another, but invite each other to share in basking in this new level of affection that will do nothing to harm your sexual attraction, but in fact, would increase it.
Basking in the affection means not making each other, or yourself, feel bad for drinking in this pleasure that transcends stimulation. There can be a time frame offered for this, or just the open-ended permission to the self and each other to let yourselves have that new pleasure.
If there is a time-frame, it could be something like "I just want to bask in this for a week/month without any guilt or shame. My sexual attraction is not gone or compromised, but I just want to really feel this with you because it is so rare and/or new to me/us."
During that time-frame, indulge often in the pleasure of affection, and by this we mean it in non-physical terms as much as physical terms.
The joy that is on the other side of the guilt and shame of embracing affection and agape is usually quite profound, and rather invigorating on levels never expected, when the relationship is this healthy.
THREE ) Let your sexual exchanges take on new meaning. The "internal embrace" of your newfound freedom in affection can quickly and easily translate into sexual exchanges that go far beyond stimulation, but become bonding moments that act as gifts to each other, instead of selfish acts. (By selfish, we mean purely for the self, and not that selfish is a bad thing.)
Enjoying your sexual exchanges as being just as meaningful as a great conversation, great laugh, or a great hug, or snuggle takes all of the weight off of the exchanges, and moves it into its rightful place in your healthy relationship.
Keeping all of this in mind, if you find yourself feeling concerned, just remember that your honesty is much more fulfilled through your expression of it than through your suppression of something else (sex) as a way to hold a place for it.
You may discuss this content within the original post. See Older Soul Sexuality