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Guest Matt

I am realizing that my inability to engage in small talk with people makes me an incredibly boring person to have at a get together of any kind.  I even am bored with myself sitting at parties.  I just can't bring myself to pretend to care about things i don't care about.  If i am asking you about something, it's because i really care, otherwise i won't ask you.  Michael said my life task has to do with honesty in communications, and maybee that is part of why i have such a hard time engaging in conversations about things i don't care about. So tonight at a party, i just got more proof that i am a really boring person to have at any party, LoL.  Oh well, i guess the world needs boring people too.  

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PPLD

Do you think that Arrogance can play into this? I was reading a little of what have been said about it lately, also in connection to public speaking. 

 

Small talk is in a way about the ability to improvise, to be very attentive to the other person and follow their stream of thought, the ability to redirect in a graceful manner, when it goes in a direction you don't want. It actually is an art and rather revealing. Just like public speaking. Hence my association to Arrogance.

 

Then of course there's also caring not only about topics but about people. Not everyone is able to engage in deep discussions. Some people lack the capacity, some lack the courage. To sometimes accommodate people's need to socialise more horizontally than vertically, can be a very nice and caring gift. 

 

Within reason, it can be fun. I learned to be more comfortable with small talk sometime in my 30-ties, when I succeeded to broaden the experience of the activity beyond myself to also including the other's experience. Gives a lot of inputs about others too (it's like being undercover ?).

 

In my case it is clearly connected to my True Play 'talking & investigating' and in fact even 'winning' as opposed to my True Rest that is 'conversation & authenticity', so that's probably why I can enjoy it to some extent. 

 

What do you think about the Arrogance thing @Matt?

Edited by PPLD
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Luciana Flora

@Matt 

our post reminded me of a friend. We are far apart at the moment, but we relate for a long time. And he always told me he did not like small talk. So we just talked about self-knowledge. The conversations I had with him were of great help to me because I really need self-knowledge. And mine was practically nil.

But in many moments I also felt very insecure with him. For I never knew if my topics would be within his standards of exigency. That was one of the reasons that made me feel uncomfortable with him. And that was one reason for our departure.

 

3 hours ago, PPLD said:

Then of course there's also caring not only about topics but about people. Not everyone is able to engage in deep discussions. Some people lack the capacity, some lack the courage. To sometimes accommodate people's need to socialise more horizontally than vertically, can be a very nice and caring gift. 

 

Within reason, it can be fun. I learned to be more comfortable with small talk sometime in my 30-ties, when I succeeded to broaden the experience of the activity beyond myself to also including the other's experience. Gives a lot of inputs about others (it's like being undercover 1f60e.png

@PPLDI really liked what you said here. I had never thought of it that way. But I think you're right. It's an interesting way of thinking.

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Guest Matt

It could definitely be arrogance @PPLD, but its weird because sitting there, im not afraid to talk, its just that i have nothing to say. Im even boring myself sitting there. Maybee im just really selfish with conversation. Either way, i wouldnt invite me to a party, LoL. Maybee ill try working on it, but is it considered fake to conversate with someone if your pretending your interested, when your really not. I know that is the nice thing to do, but is it honest. One of my pet peeves is when someone asks how im doing and before im even done talking, they are asking someone else, im just like you fake fucker. You know they dont give a shit how im doing. Maybee its all a mix of arrogance, having nothing to say, and being bored. 

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Luciana Flora

@Matt 

Once again you reminded me of my friend. One of the few things he told me about him (he was always very reserved. He never told me anything about what he felt) was how bored he felt. To the point of doubting that another person would feel as bored as he. Maybe I wondered if he could talk to other people. People not interested in self-knowledge or spirituality. That was the only subject I could talk to him about.

As for parties I do not like it too but the reason is different. I do not like noisy places. I prefer quieter places where I can talk and meet the other person.

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Guest Matt

I know Michael has mentioned boredom is the resistance to wakefulness of some kind, but im not sure. @Luciana Flora sounds like it was his problem and not yours. Thing is with me, is i can talk with anybody, but its exhausting and i burn out quick if its fake or just small talk about topics i dont care about. Thats why i think maybee im just selfish. Im sure not selfish in other aspects of life, but conversation wise, maybee i am. I have a cousin who will ask how your job is going, and before you even respond hes asking someone else something, its insane to me, and drives me nuts because then i think everything else he says must be fake too. 

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Guest Matt

Here is that session where they mention boredom

QUESTION 1.  I have always felt like i either don’t know how to have fun, or that maybe it’s just that i get bored so easily with things.  For example, i always seem to want to watch other people have fun, like my son.  When it comes to me to have fun, it’s like i either don’t know how or i just don’t do it, or i get bored extremely quickly.  Do you have any insight in my apparent inability to have fun myself, why i seem to get my fun by watching other people have fun more than i can have fun myself.  

 

FROM MICHAEL:

Boredom is always a resistance to wakefulness, resistance to some form of Truth, Love, or Beauty. In your case, this is about Beauty or Energy. You equate to fun, joy, and play something you do not deserve because you cannot for one second lower your guard and your preparedness. This is why you vicariously experience joy through others because this means that person is safe, sound, happy, and their protection and safety is why you think you live. If others are happy, you can be happy, but if you are happy on your own, it means you are leaving someone unsafe, unwatched, unprotected. You find and create meaning in your capacity to protect, and you create meaning in the joy of others, but you have not created meaning in your individual play.

 

Considering your life circumstances, your navigation away from fun is sensible, but with some amount of understanding that this is about your devotion to protection and safety of others, you may be able to regard your own play as part of the necessary health you need to continue protecting and caring for others. Your play is not wasting time. It is not wasting energy. It is not leaving anyone unprotected or in danger, and you are meaningful even when not locked in the role of protector. Your play is your own lifeline to wakefulness, to being in Essence, to being alive.

 

What we can suggest is that the next time you pursue fun, you simply own it. Let yourself have fun. Be present. You do not have to stay there long, but while you are there, BE THERE.

 

Having fun is not a trick being pulled on you and it is not something someone deserves or does not deserve. It is as much a part of life as the dangers of life. The difference is that danger may or may not come, but fun is always accessible.

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Luciana Flora
2 minutes ago, Matt said:

and their protection and safety is why you think you live. If others are happy, you can be happy, but if you are happy on your own, it means you are leaving someone unsafe, unwatched, unprotected. You find and create meaning in your capacity to protect, and you create meaning in the joy of others, but you have not created meaning in your individual play.

If I understand correctly Michael is saying that you believe that having fun means not protecting the people you need. Only I see it differently. I think if a person has fun it means that he is okay with himself. And if the person is okay with herself I believe the person  can take better care of others.

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ckaricai
18 minutes ago, Matt said:

It could definitely be arrogance @PPLD, but its weird because sitting there, im not afraid to talk, its just that i have nothing to say. Im even boring myself sitting there. Maybee im just really selfish with conversation. Either way, i wouldnt invite me to a party, LoL. Maybee ill try working on it, but is it considered fake to conversate with someone if your pretending your interested, when your really not. I know that is the nice thing to do, but is it honest. One of my pet peeves is when someone asks how im doing and before im even done talking, they are asking someone else, im just like you fake fucker. You know they dont give a shit how im doing. Maybee its all a mix of arrogance, having nothing to say, and being bored. 

 

People are polite. They don’t always care how you are but they ask how you are doing anyway because it’s just what you do. Your answer isn’t honest either. You just say you are fine because that’s just what you say. It would be rude to not say anything at all. It’s just a social nicety. What’s more, if you really aren’t in the mood for small talk and someone actually answers honestly and wants to talk about their problems it’s annoying. Especially before you’ve had coffee. I don’t want a random person dumping their negative energy at me every time we exchange how do you dos. 

 

Maybe look at it as another person simply acknowledging you. Lots of people really like and appreciate the acknowledgement. When I really don’t feel like talking I just nod my head at Lpeople to let them know I see them. 

 

At parties tho, you are there to meet people. Some people are bad at conversation. But also, I think your expectations are too high. When you meet people for the first time you have to suss them out, so it makes sense to not care right off the bat. The other person could be an asshole. And at parties it’s normal to have several conversations at once. You’re having a good time if you find yourself talking to two or three people at once. Well, that works for me anyway. If a conversation gets interrupted I remember to come back to it later. This also kind of helps you figure out who you have chemistry with.  

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Bobby
22 minutes ago, Matt said:

Thing is with me, is i can talk with anybody, but its exhausting and i burn out quick if its fake or just small talk about topics i dont care about. Thats why i think maybee im just selfish. Im sure not selfish in other aspects of life, but conversation wise, maybee i am. I have a cousin who will ask how your job is going, and before you even respond hes asking someone else something, its insane to me, and drives me nuts because then i think everything else he says must be fake too. 

 

Maybe, you're just very "Discriminating?"  We share Sage-Casting so I would have thought that would have made it easier for you.  Also, we share Arrogance, and now anyway, that doesn't affect me so much one on one.

 

Come to think of it, Marty has Discrimination as his Goal and is also Sage-Cast and he absolutely hates small talk so I'm leaning more toward the issue of it being more oriented toward the Goal possibly than anything else.

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Erick
12 hours ago, Matt said:

I am realizing that my inability to engage in small talk with people makes me an incredibly boring person to have at a get together of any kind.  I even am bored with myself sitting at parties.  I just can't bring myself to pretend to care about things i don't care about.  If i am asking you about something, it's because i really care, otherwise i won't ask you.  Michael said my life task has to do with honesty in communications, and maybee that is part of why i have such a hard time engaging in conversations about things i don't care about. 

 

this reminded me of this from blogs/entry/1791-grief-breakthroughs-and-resolving-self-karma/

Quote

MEntity:  Grief can drain one of great reserves of enthusiasm and perspective and make it very difficult to tolerate the niceties, platitudes, and small talks of life.

 

MEntity:  Life is dramatically different for those in grief because it strips the psyche of all superficiality and focuses on Truth.

 

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Guest Matt
3 minutes ago, ckaricai said:

They don’t always care how you are but they ask how you are doing anyway because it’s just what you do.

I dont do this. If i ask how your doing, its because i want to know, or i wouldnt have asked. I would prefer to hear about your real problems than some polite conversation about nothing. I wouldnt want random people dumping on me all the time, but these are people i already know and care about. Its my issue at the end of the day, and thats why i said i wouldnt invite myself to a party, im the problem, not them.

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Bobby
2 minutes ago, Matt said:

Thanks @Bobby that was helpful to hear. Ill check that link out @Erick, thanks

 

Geraldine, another Discriminator, was ok with small talk but only after she trusted you but she didn't tolerate fools lightly  ?

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Guest Matt

Would you invite that guy in the pic above to your party, LoL. I wish i could have known Geraldine longer, she sounds like my kind of people.

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Bogi
5 minutes ago, Matt said:

Would you invite that guy in the pic above to your party, LoL.

Actually, I would. ?

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Luciana Flora
7 minutes ago, Matt said:

Would you invite that guy in the pic above to your party, LoL. I wish i could have known Geraldine longer, she sounds like my kind of people.

I would not invite anyone to my party.Because I would not make one. Like I said, I prefer quiet activities. And I had really bad experiences at parties.

But  I'd tell you if I'd inveted you for some quieter activity. Honest people are also much needed.

Edited by Luciana Flora
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ckaricai
6 minutes ago, Matt said:

I dont do this. If i ask how your doing, its because i want to know, or i wouldnt have asked. I would prefer to hear about your real problems than some polite conversation about nothing. I wouldnt want random people dumping on me all the time, but these are people i already know and care about. Its my issue at the end of the day, and thats why i said i wouldnt invite myself to a party, im the problem, not them.

Right, but those conversations are not about nothing. They are a form of acknowledgement.  If you went up to people and said “I see you today” instead of “how are you?” it would be weird. Simply acknowledging people also shows you care....a thought just popped into my head How do you know who to care about enough to ask how they are doing?

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Luciana Flora
9 minutes ago, ckaricai said:

Right, but those conversations are not about nothing. They are a form of acknowledgement.  If you went up to people and said “I see you today” instead of “how are you?” it would be weird. Simply acknowledging people also shows you care....a thought just popped into my head How do you know who to care about enough to ask how they are doing

I agree with this. It's a very strange thing to be in a place and nobody to look at you. And some of my school years were like this. Believe me, at that time, I did not want to talk deep. Hi, how are you? THis it would help a lot ..IoI

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Guest Matt

i can deal with simple greetings. As long as that person actually cares enough to listen to a response when you ask someone how they are. My issue comes in when i get exhausted having to have a long conversation where its small talk about the weather or something like that. Like i said, im fully aware that i am the problem here. I also think the facebook isnt helping either, because when i see people, we have nothing new to say, because we follow eachother on facebook, and you already know whats new. If i need to, i can blend in at a party and talk the talk, but its exhausting.

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ckaricai
6 minutes ago, Matt said:

i can deal with simple greetings. As long as that person actually cares enough to listen to a response when you ask someone how they are. My issue comes in when i get exhausted having to have a long conversation where its small talk about the weather or something like that. Like i said, im fully aware that i am the problem here. I also think the facebook isnt helping either, because when i see people, we have nothing new to say, because we follow eachother on facebook, and you already know whats new. If i need to, i can blend in at a party and talk the talk, but its exhausting.

 

Oh, so you are just introverted. That's not the same as boring. Sounds like you just don't like people. Just own it. LOL  

 

 

 

 

 

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Bobby

Because of the exposure to this Teaching, I generally will now look at an opportunity to speak with another through those filters.  Even if only internally, I will try to see this person with all of their own issues that they struggle with just like we all do.  They have Chief Features.  They have Wounding.  They have their own Overleaves being played out.  They have their own Essence potentially manifesting.  I like looking for all of these little clues to give me an idea of what is going on internally with them when attempting conversation.  In other words, I try to see people more Compassionately.  It's not so much anymore about whether I like them or not or they like me or not.  Where is the Beauty in this person?  It's there.  It's always there.  But you have to be willing to try to discover it.  If it helps, just imagine yourself standing there Essence to Essence while in a physical body and experiencing it from that perspective.  I really find people fascinating because there are so many nuances that make them who they are.  I think I treat it like a game most of the time.  I mean, I'll encounter someone who seems to have their shit packed so tightly that they couldn't possibly have any cracks in their armor.  But if I pay attention enough, I'll usually find it intuitively.  Not to make them less but to see them as more Human than they may even see themselves.  It's about finding that common denominator that exists in us all.

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Dawn

Maybe it's a combination of Discrimination and Arrogance? I used to slide to Discrimination fairly often throughout my 20's and most of my 30's, so I can relate to what you're describing. I also have Arrogance and consider myself more of an introvert, so parties could easily send me running or collapsing into myself in some corner. I'm not a fan of small talk AT ALL. I remember Michael saying that most Old Souls would prefer jumping in puddles than engaging in small talk. They said something about small talk can be less of a drain when we bring our presence. Something like that. Can't find the darn thing!

 

With 3 kids in a very community-oriented town, I have had to learn the art of small talk. More often than not, things don't progress from the small talk stage, but every so often it can be the first step to developing deeper friendships. I've made it sort of an experiment. I leave myself open to people and a certain degree of small talk. Sometimes there's a moment when something is dropped into a conversation, a little hint. I have found those moments can be harnessed to take the conversation a little further and then further still. If not, at least you gave it the old college try!

 

I'm curious, you said that these are people you already know and care about. Did you mean the people at the party?

 

 

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Luciana Flora
29 minutes ago, Bobby said:

Because of the exposure to this Teaching, I generally will now look at an opportunity to speak with another through those filters.  Even if only internally, I will try to see this person with all of their own issues that they struggle with just like we all do.  They have Chief Features.  They have Wounding.  They have their own Overleaves being played out.  They have their own Essence potentially manifesting.  I like looking for all of these little clues to give me an idea of what is going on internally with them when attempting conversation.  In other words, I try to see people more Compassionately.  It's not so much anymore about whether I like them or not or they like me or not.  Where is the Beauty in this person?  It's there.  It's always there.  But you have to be willing to try to discover it.  If it helps, just imagine yourself standing there Essence to Essence while in a physical body and experiencing it from that perspective.  I really find people fascinating because there are so many nuances that make them who they are.  I think I treat it like a game most of the time.  I mean, I'll encounter someone who seems to have their shit packed so tightly that they couldn't possibly have any cracks in their armor.  But if I pay attention enough, I'll usually find it intuitively.  Not to make them less but to see them as more Human than they may even see themselves.  It's about finding that common denominator that exists in us all.

I have to say. I thought it was beautiful. And that's exactly what most people do not. I'd like to do that too.

The problem is that it seems like I have an inability to do this. Lately I feel that my perceptions are confusing. And I feel like I can not even see myself clearly. Much less the otherperson.

And I do not know to what  the vision I have about me is true or whether it is due to some wound, insecurity. I just do not know anymore.

I do not know how to differentiate if I interpret from the other person is a real vision of it or if it is my interpretation based on some internal question not solved.

I'm so sure of some people's opinion of me. And then I find that they see me in a completely different world from the way I thought they saw me. So it's all very confusing for me. And I'm going to see Michael as a way to improve my perceptions.

Edited by Luciana Flora
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