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Lila

My story about arrogance

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Lila

Michael has said that arrogance is a chief feature of shy people. Well, as a child I was extremely shy, imaginative and sensitive - sensitive to other people's negative emotions and sensitive to criticism. I was an unloved child and hated by my mother for my "weakness". So, I tried to deserve my mother's love by what she expected from her children: being excellent at school and and getting a fine job. If I didn't meet her expectation, she cruelly humiliated me. I learnt to suppress my feelings which made me emotionally crippled for approximately 10 years. All of this was good ground for arrogance to grow. It would have developed to self-depreciation as well,  but mostly I excelled at school and was a quick learner. I became very confident about my skills but in my relationships with other people I was suspicious, expected hidden agendas and thought that I was unlovable as a person and that everybody hated me. I thought high about myself and liked only very few people. Other people started to tell me that appeared to be cold, distant and arrogant. I had romantic relationships in which I tried to avoid true intimacy at all costs. I cheated almost all my boyfriends between the age of 22- 32.

 

Luckily, I realized that I had all the chances to develop a serious social phobia, if I didn't open up to people and give them a chance. I took it as a habit to talk to a stranger whenever I was out or in a social gathering. After many years, I made the conclusion that people or mostly benevolent and my shyness was basically fear of people (being abusive and judgmental). Because I didn't fear people anymore, the shyness was gone as well. I started form genuine friendships. However, I was still afraid of opening up in love, but in my thirties I felt that I have no choice, because I just felt empty inside and I started to lose the connection to Self, which I had always had so far. So, I had a chance to start a relationship with a man whom I'd known as a friend for years. I decided to open up to him and trust him, but he fooled me. That crushed my arrogant ego and opened the Pandora's box - the suppressed feelings I had kept in the bottle for years. There was mostly anger, but also other feelings, which I went through one by one. I realized during this process how much I had projected my own unconscious feelings to other people seeing them mostly in negative light when actually I just hated everybody. When the hatred was gone and love and light started to flow in, also other people started to look much nicer. I understood and felt that people suffer and are not perfect, but they are still lovable and worth of compassion.

 

I often think that I have already beaten this dragon, but I do notice that I may have the "I know the best" -syndrome and get immediately humiliated when I think that I am wiser than I actually am. 😄

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