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Leela Corman

Bleedthrough

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Leela Corman

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and I wonder if others would be willing to share their experiences and insights. I'm talking about two types of bleedthrough, which maybe are sometimes related? The first is between parallels of our own lives, and the other is between people.

 

In the former case, I've been feeling it very strongly on and off for the past few years, ever since late 2015, when we moved into a house around the corner from the first house we lived in when we moved down here, the house where our first child died, in 2011. At that time, Tom and I both suddenly felt very strongly like we were suddenly living in the version of our lives we were "supposed to" be in, but that had been ruptured when Rosalie suddenly died. Here we were not a block away, with a different but nearly identical-looking almost two-year-old towheaded girl, living the life we'd thought we'd be living when we decided to leave NYC four years earlier. And then all these other changes accelerated into our lives, in mostly very positive ways, though for me at least, ushered in by something shocking and tragic: our oldest friend here, who'd taken us in after Rosalie's death, killed himself. In the aftermath I became close to some of his friends I'd never met before, who turned out to be a cadence mate and an entity mate, and meeting them put me back on the path of loving and making noisy rock music, which I'd left behind in my 20's - it brought me all the way back into the fold of the subculture that raised me, in a profound way. And more recently I've been feeling these powerful resonances with what I think are other parallels where I never stopped making music, where in some cases I lived here a while ago and knew all these people here for a long time. It's actually kind of disorienting and I want to find an organized way to understand it better. Sometimes it results in having emotional reactions that don't feel like me. A block of buildings here was recently demolished, including one that had housed an important venue for music, zines, and political organizing and that these friends had created, in a time when I did not live here. I was not part of that scene. But now, every time I pass it, I'm seized with the most wrenching sadness and feelings of loss. It feels awful, and again, not mine. It's so depressing that I now avoid that block when I can. I'll go out of my way not to be there.

 

In the latter case, the cadence mate I met here told me something about himself that brought to life a statement Michael made to me about cadence mates: that when we meet on the physical plane, it's in part for the purpose of sharing life force, and that this can account for some disorienting emotional experiences. For background, I am the current hub of my cadence. I know all but one of them personally, closely. One is my best friend of decades, another is my dead daughter, a third a very old close buddy, a fourth a musician I love and am friendly with, and a fifth, the guy I'm referring to. He told me that he'd recently found a journal he'd forgotten about, dated November 2011, and he said he didn't remember writing the entries in it and didn't even recognize the person he used to be when he wrote them; he said, though, that the writing there was "borderline suicidal". He doesn't remember being in that state. Rosalie died in November 2011. He and I were not friends yet - we didn't meet until 2015. I don't want to "take credit" for his feelings at the time, but as soon as he told me this I thought, "Fuck. Bleedthrough?" And I also wonder if our now-dead mutual friend was some sort of energetic bridge between us, because he was there with us from the day after she died, taking care of us.

So I'd love to know more about how various kinds of bleedthrough work. And how do we work with it? I sense that there is great creative potential within it.

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