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Troy

ENERGY REPORT: April 2019

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Uma

oy. oy. oy. oy. oy. oy.

It never ends. it never fucking ends. the good news and the bad. 

Thanks, Troy.

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Diane

"MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU."

Thank you, Troy.  Always appreciate you  and our Monthly Energy Reports! 

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Janet
18 minutes ago, Troy said:

they retreated to a distance that was ... a sense of protection

This is exactly what happened to me, and not so much with a sense of defeat but a need to protect myself for a bit. About 2 weeks ago (a day or so following the release of the Barr letter) I pulled away from TV news, Twitter, etc., and just focused on reminding myself that I am strong enough and that Essence has been through all of this before. I knew it was inevitable that I come back to the fight, but periodically a break is just necessary.

 

Just last night I turned the news back on and I opened Twitter again earlier today. Is it coincidence that my reentry happened to occur at the end of the energy shift?

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Stickyflames

Thanks Troy,

 

For so long I viewed healing as somehow getting to a point of stability where I could manifest my desires and live the life I WANTED to live.

Healing was always about getting to that place where I could create any world I wanted and have the confidence to back it up.

I resented my failures, fuck ups or anything that could remotely be an obstacle towards finally one day creating my ideal world of creativity and being recognized for such creativity.

 

It took me a long time to go “ fuck, this is not about me”. It is true that I can still be creative, navigate, be honest, evolve, cultivate the basic self worth to aim for preferences....but other than that, it is not about me.

The world does not owe me open arms of forgiveness.

The world does not owe me a comfortable ride.

I am part of this world.

For so long I have watched these creative humans be called out by the “ left” and be triggered when someone loses a job or is canceled by society for some past behaviour. This triggered me because that idea of “ success” to me was somehow making it BIG. Being seen as someone who created a life they want. Being a respected voice, creative force.

That idea of success is dying to me. 

I was  talking to my Friend Robert about how I am always triggered by liberal righteousness because I also invision that same righteousness will be my own undoing in my worst case scenario future. He said to me “ How exciting that all these people are part of this big collective story and healing. That is so much bigger than any title or achievement, to be part of the conversation”.

I found that to be so beautiful. I feel far less triggered by the rapid evolution of the world. Forgiving of myself to a point that feels empowering again. No longer at the mercy of worst case scenarios and now eager to be part of the conversation.

Eager to be a voice of a life that was messy and a vision of where to go from here.

Eager to listen to all the new voices that are being collectively heard for the first time in human history: women voices, gay voices, trans voices, people of colours voices, 

animal rights voices etc.etc.

 

This is not about ME.

 

Success to me now means being a willing participant in the collective conversation, 

getting messy with it.

Thrown around by it,

contributing to it and listening to it.

 

Thanks for the April energy,

love love

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Uma

That's so great, @DianeHB. It makes me happy to see you so up and happy. Thanks for sharing your joy. 

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NickG
58 minutes ago, DianeHB said:

This is the first energy report that I haven't resonated with in years. My week since the March energy shift has been the polar opposite of this report. I've been optimistic, enthusiastic, and happy. Like I mentioned in the March discussion, I sometimes have to be careful to have intentional rest when my energy starts to crash, but other than that, this week has been the best ever. People have been happy and energetic at all my networking meetings. I'm getting more comfortable talking about myself and have very little anxiety anymore. Work is falling into my lap left and right. I love meeting new people at my meetings and connecting them with others in my network. I feel this huge sense of connectedness and part of the flow of life. It is utterly incredible how much creative potential there is when you become a business owner instead of an employee. You make a million choices about how to do your work, what tools and processes you use, how you market yourself, who you want to work for, how you talk to clients, how big you want to get. It is completely daunting at first until you get used to it, and then it becomes completely liberating. You no longer have to comply with anyone else's standards and ideals (within limits of existing laws, of course, but even those can be changed). Wow!!! How is it possible to be doing the same line of work I was tired of a year ago and feel utterly alive and happy? 

Same Diane lol I too feel very optimistic and enthusiastic about the future. There’s a sense of empowerment and presence I’ve never really felt before and now I just want to be a part of it all instead of recoiling and being apart of it all. I feel alive and quite happy for the first time in a long time. 

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TexB

Diane, when you’re happy, I’m happy! 🙂

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KurtisM

I definitely fell into Surveillance, with brief rises into Clarity and great love.

It feels like I've been a buoy that hasn't even been able to float like I should be. I'm just pulled under the water or mindlessly treading across the water and don't know where I am going.

 

So... it makes me sad but I definitely fell into pressure, which resulted in more grief, more of a sense that others are moving on when I am not, a few all nighters so I can finish school projects (4 days apart, which is extrrmely rare for me), days where all I do is sleep as soon as I get home, days where I want to get up and get out but I have to attend to demands first...

 

Weirdly, the Surveillance does not feel negative or bad but it is unfulfilling, just like a block in involvement, like a stunting or stutter where I definitely am waiting for the right time.

I know that I am the one right now that has to start that timing though.

The rest of my year's unfolding hinges on whether I change jobs now. This is the last big lingering choice and spawn point of my turning point.

If I stay where I am it's because I value comfort more, and because there is a safety I find in all I've done and known. I've come way more alive in my life to the point Im not reacting to others or to events as much anymore, which helps me to see everyone's innocence and everything's value.

It's bringing up a great amount of grief and paralysis as I work to see my work as a part of life & my co workers as people too (and not symbols) but I know I have to move on.

 

If I take the risk to change jobs, I risk leading myself into or finding myself in another dead end minimum wage job that does not fulfill me.

I risk interviews and judgments I resisted for nearly a whole decade as a teen.

I risk the discomfort of leaving my current job.

I risk the discomfort of having to leave the new job eventually too.

I risk bringing all I have learnt into a daunting new work space. Or of having to learn a whole new set of skills.

I risk a job where my co workers dont like me or aren't as connected to me as in my current job.

I risk a job-consumed summer in which I work full time and have no free time I planned for.

 

I guess overall I risk the job leading me to not like life again. To be stuck again.

Most of my Delusions right now hinge around Working and Losing Time. Because this is all I have been imprinted by: to fear working because you will never be or have enough money, time or space to feel as happy as you want- but you have no choice, you're an adult now so you have to work and pay for it.

I know I'm not defined by these things anymore but the temptation is there to feel stuck again or that I will be more stuck.

 

 

Funnily enough, my Essence advocates for me to take the risk saying it's the only way I can move on into new ventures. They don't even think I should stay where I am, referring to my current job as a completed arc in "proving self-reliance".

They say I have many options and that I am the pivotal choice maker here that can make my life bad or good.

Edited by KurtisM
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Bobby
11 hours ago, DianeHB said:

This is the first energy report that I haven't resonated with in years. My week since the March energy shift has been the polar opposite of this report. I've been optimistic, enthusiastic, and happy. Like I mentioned in the March discussion, I sometimes have to be careful to have intentional rest when my energy starts to crash, but other than that, this week has been the best ever. People have been happy and energetic at all my networking meetings. I'm getting more comfortable talking about myself and have very little anxiety anymore. Work is falling into my lap left and right. I love meeting new people at my meetings and connecting them with others in my network. I feel this huge sense of connectedness and part of the flow of life. It is utterly incredible how much creative potential there is when you become a business owner instead of an employee. You make a million choices about how to do your work, what tools and processes you use, how you market yourself, who you want to work for, how you talk to clients, how big you want to get. It is completely daunting at first until you get used to it, and then it becomes completely liberating. You no longer have to comply with anyone else's standards and ideals (within limits of existing laws, of course, but even those can be changed). Wow!!! How is it possible to be doing the same line of work I was tired of a year ago and feel utterly alive and happy? 

 

Pretty much the same with me.  Got more than I can handle and keep up with right now which is a good thing.  It's a welcomed change 🙂

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Evelin
2 minutes ago, Bobby said:

Pretty much the same with me.  Got more than I can handle and keep up with right now which is a good thing.  It's a welcomed change 🙂

 

Same with me, @Bobby and @DianeHB. I got back into my body, exercising etc, and feel good. A little restless, but then I dance with headphones on and can sit down to work again.

Expressing myself freely where before I wouldn't have and even got the relationship with my mother working again.

I haven't felt this great and whole in years.

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Sam K

I didn't feel particularly different from normal, but it's pretty common for me to be out of step with the global energy patterns.  This is especially true when the global patterns develop in a way that promotes pessimism or a sense of helplessness; I seem to actively push back on such patterns almost instinctively.  Might have something to do with my Life Task, which I don't yet know.  Something to look into in my next session, I suppose.

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Diane
11 hours ago, Uma said:

That's so great, @DianeHB. It makes me happy to see you so up and happy. Thanks for sharing your joy. 

Ditto!

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DianeHB
8 hours ago, KurtisM said:

I definitely fell into Surveillance, with brief rises into Clarity and great love.

It feels like I've been a buoy that hasn't even been able to float like I should be. I'm just pulled under the water or mindlessly treading across the water and don't know where I am going.

 

So... it makes me sad but I definitely fell into pressure, which resulted in more grief, more of a sense that others are moving on when I am not, a few all nighters so I can finish school projects (4 days apart, which is extrrmely rare for me), days where all I do is sleep as soon as I get home, days where I want to get up and get out but I have to attend to demands first...

 

Weirdly, the Surveillance does not feel negative or bad but it is unfulfilling, just like a block in involvement, like a stunting or stutter where I definitely am waiting for the right time.

I know that I am the one right now that has to start that timing though.

The rest of my year's unfolding hinges on whether I change jobs now. This is the last big lingering choice and spawn point of my turning point.

If I stay where I am it's because I value comfort more, and because there is a safety I find in all I've done and known. I've come way more alive in my life to the point Im not reacting to others or to events as much anymore, which helps me to see everyone's innocence and everything's value.

It's bringing up a great amount of grief and paralysis as I work to see my work as a part of life & my co workers as people too (and not symbols) but I know I have to move on.

 

If I take the risk to change jobs, I risk leading myself into or finding myself in another dead end minimum wage job that does not fulfill me.

I risk interviews and judgments I resisted for nearly a whole decade as a teen.

I risk the discomfort of leaving my current job.

I risk the discomfort of having to leave the new job eventually too.

I risk bringing all I have learnt into a daunting new work space. Or of having to learn a whole new set of skills.

I risk a job where my co workers dont like me or aren't as connected to me as in my current job.

I risk a job-consumed summer in which I work full time and have no free time I planned for.

 

I guess overall I risk the job leading me to not like life again. To be stuck again.

Most of my Delusions right now hinge around Working and Losing Time. Because this is all I have been imprinted by: to fear working because you will never be or have enough money, time or space to feel as happy as you want- but you have no choice, you're an adult now so you have to work and pay for it.

I know I'm not defined by these things anymore but the temptation is there to feel stuck again or that I will be more stuck.

 

 

Funnily enough, my Essence advocates for me to take the risk saying it's the only way I can move on into new ventures. They don't even think I should stay where I am, referring to my current job as a completed arc in "proving self-reliance".

They say I have many options and that I am the pivotal choice maker here that can make my life bad or good.

 

Transitioning from going to school and being a kid to navigating the working world can be daunting and horrifying. You aren't the only one. I think our current school systems fail in this respect because they're hierarchical and regimented and don't prepare us for the massively more chaotic world of work. You go from having very few choices to having a huge number of choices to make and situations to navigate. The more aware you are, and the older soul you are, the more daunting it can be because you're aware of all the things that are wrong with this world and all the things that can go "wrong."

 

What you describe is also classic Stubbornness as a primary CF, which I know well. The bottom line is that you fear the unknown, so any change is scarier than staying in place. You are also Scholar-cast, so Stubbornness may show up frequently regardless of your actual CFs. 

 

I don't know what to tell you about the fear of being stuck in a job, because I had that fear every time I was between jobs, and I did feel stuck for a while when I was ready to leave a job and was afraid of starting over. I think that's all part of the nature Stubbornness as well as Flow, because Flow means you will always notice how much effort it takes to change a path you're already on and how much easier it is to stay where you are. 

 

Yes, you may have to take another minimum wage job unless you make the effort to find or create something better.

 

Yes, you will be judged -- there is no way around that. But you also get to judge the employer and decide whether you want to work for them. 

 

Yes, it will be uncomfortable to start a new job, get to know new people, and learn new things. It can also be exciting and exhilarating and bring you experiences you hadn't expected.

 

Yes, you will probably eventually leave that job because something better comes along.

 

Yes, you won't have as much time as you're used to having --- unless you create your own job/become self-employed so you can decide how much you want to work and live a lifestyle accordingly. Or you create a job from your hobbies and combine the two so you don't need quite so much free time for other projects.

 

Yes, your coworkers may not like you at first -- but generally people start to like each other once they spend more time in proximity. I used to think that I had to have immediate resonance with people for them to become "my people", but this is not true and is part of Stubbornness. People will grow to like one another over time, unless they actively rub each other the wrong way. How you do your best to find compatible coworkers is actually at your interviews. Pay attention to how comfortable or uncomfortable you feel with the employees, the atmosphere, the interviewer, and how all of these things are different from company to company. Think about whether you wouldn't mind seeing these people everyday. Your interviewer would be doing the same with you.

 

You will also get to live on your own terms rather than with people who tell you what to do. You will have more choices and more security that comes with greater access to money. If you learn money management and live a simple lifestyle, you definitely don't need to feel like there's never enough money.

 

To avoid taking a job that you will hate and in a workplace you will hate, you need to participate and navigate. And if you do end up in something you hate, you can always change jobs again.

 

Yes, the Physical Plane is SO. MUCH. WORK. Our world is so complex now and requires so much effort to navigate. Take your time and go at your own pace. Your fears are telling you the truth, but those truths can be used for navigation rather than stop you from growing at all.

Edited by DianeHB
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CurvyWords

I definitely did a little bit of this at the start of the month, the recoiling as a result of Surveillance. A well-known rapper on the west coast was brutally gunned down and it sent shockwaves through my community both online and off. I took a few days off Twitter just because celebrity death can be kind of a shit show I have found, plus I was just dealing with my own personal stuff.

 

Overall, I think I am experiencing the opposite, though. I've been very much so "asleep at the wheel" for the past couple of years. However recently, particularly within the last week or so, I find myself trying to plug back in. I have signed up for at least a dozen newsletters and mailing lists. I've been reading different human interest articles, re-familiarizing myself with what's going on in the social justice world. Following more new age and feminist accounts on Instagram and Twitter, seeing what the landscape is looking like, what audiences are interacting with and responding to.

 

I am mostly doing it because as I prepare to launch my brand and start creating content I want said content to feel current and applicable and keeping my pulse on what people are consuming from other outlets is important. But, not just for work, I am really curious about human beings again for the first time in a very long time. And I have found that so much of my perspective has changed on a lot.

 

For example, one of the newsletters I signed up for called Welcome To Hell World sent an article into my inbox yesterday morning that compiled testimonials from about a dozen people about their experience "losing" their parents and grandparents to Fox News. Normally I would have saw this as "white people problems", and maybe been really rude and expressed joy that these hateful racists would be dead soon, but I found myself shedding a couple tears just imagining the devastation these people must be going through. Sure, I absolutely resent their shitty family members, but I also can feel empathy for their sadness and confusion and abandonment, while turning my ire towards this media machine that is legitimately ruining society. I definitely had more Clarity than anything. 

 

Granted, I literally only have my pinky toe back into the stream, but I am slowly starting to enter it again. And I think I'm tuned towards Clarity. I've had a really good expanded, detached, neutral energy to a lot of things happening in my family where as normally I would have been in full-on Identification, taking it all intensely personally, being broken down by it, losing sight of my goals and things I want to do for my career because I'm so caught up in my hurt feelings and trying to Zealously (with righteous indignation of course) force people to see it from my side. Now I'm so focused on building a life for myself I can see a burning building float by me and I'm just like "huh. wild." and go back to researching SEO and narrowing down font options. Not because I don't care, but because I'm not a firefighter and that's ok.

 

The inclination to retreat is there but it is less stressful, it just kind of feels like. I want to participate in the world, and be involved, but only in the ways that feel safe for me right now, and still give me the energy I need to put into what I'm passionate about. I have my blockers on for certain things, like my family members who haven't dealt well with their grief and those who might have stifled it finding that it can no longer be avoided this year. For my father who is probably somewhere in some negative pole of his 5th IM and feeling like he didn't do what he wanted with his life, who is frustrated and agitated and has no one but me to argue with about any of it. I just am not here for anyone's trauma. Do the work, deal with your shit, leave me alone.  I have Cardinal things to attend to your petty, personal dramas will have to wait.

 

But for strangers, for the world at large, for the community of humanity, I am interested in what's going on with us on a larger scale. I am definitely observing our faults and our triumphs, what's working and what isn't. I am excited about a lot, and empathetic about even more. I feel awake and connected and I want to absorb as much as possible so I can know how to inspire and when.

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CurvyWords
45 minutes ago, DianeHB said:

Yes, your coworkers may not like you at first -- but generally people start to like each other once they spend more time in proximity. I used to think that I had to have immediate resonance with people for them to become "my people", but this is not true and is part of Stubbornness. People will grow to like one another over time, unless they actively rub each other the wrong way. How you do your best to find compatible coworkers is actually at your interviews. Pay attention to how comfortable or uncomfortable you feel with the employees, the atmosphere, the interviewer, and how all of these things are different from company to company. Think about whether you wouldn't mind seeing these people everyday. Your interviewer would be doing the same with you.

 

Yes yes yes! This entire post just spoke to my heart. Thank you so much, Diane! Also I'm so glad to see that you're feeling happy and free this month, I hope this momentum carries you forward and you're such an inspiration!

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KurtisM

@DianeHB, your posts about work and career have always helped me.
I use them as compassionate reminders and measures about how I can work towards the +Pole in my own work life. So thank you.

I definitely see this is a matter of Stubbornness.

In fact, I think it's one of the last stubborn resorts I have. I have relinquished the stubbornness that prevented me from self-expression, from speaking up, from being wrong, from doubt, from being vulnerable, from being intimate, from making basic lifestyle choices, from being spontaneous, from stopping things that have gone way out of hand etc.
And now it's time to relinquish and dismantle the stubbornness that prevents me from changing jobs and being happy.
I feel like if I take the risks to change jobs, and to choose happiness over despair and regardless of external circumstances, I will move my primary CF from one of mild Stubbornness to mild Martyrdom. I already see this change from how as I participate more and more in the world, I bump up against everything I can't control that others do, and must return to being the centered creator not the oppressed victim.

I appreciate you reminding me my fears are valid, but not the whole truth. Thinking that my fears are totally correct paralyzes me, and feeling that my fears are correct when I intellectually know they're total lies paralyzes me. These lead me to live out patterns that repeat choices and circumstances I no longer want to be in, and to dig myself in even deeper.
So to be reminded that these fears are both right and wrong actually helps me out.
I'm trying to see things as you have been showing/saying: perceiving the better case scenario, and of my choices within that worst case scenario to make it a better one.
But it's definitely hard. There's a lot of resistance built up from years upon years of resentment and analysis-paralysis.

My goal right now regarding working is to get another job using the "tactics" you've provided, but to actively negotiate with my boss rather than resign to their supposed authority over my life. I don't want to be a doormat like I've seen others to be.
I will use my next job or two to sort out how I can create a job for myself, using technology and my passion for gathering, organizing and conveying information. This fits with my life task, my everyday tendencies and my personal pace.
I'm not sure how this can come about, or what my audience is for this, but I do want to take the risk. Staying another year where I'm working might be easier externally, but not internally, because I know I'd have to inevitably change all throughout and the resistance and resentment would keep rising. I'm just going to have to rip the bandaid off.

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Evelin
2 hours ago, DianeHB said:

Yes, the Physical Plane is SO. MUCH. WORK. Our world is so complex now and requires so much effort to navigate. Take your time and go at your own pace. Your fears are telling you the truth, but those truths can be used for navigation rather than stop you from growing at all.

 

Diane, I respectfully love you.

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Ingun

This report explained a lot for me. I had a need to retreat and recoil this whole first week of the month. I usually gladly exercise 2-3 times a week + yoga now and then, but this week I didn't even do any yoga at home, and I am and was totally fine with it. The whole week felt really disorienting and I had a strong sense of being apart from life, and it was different from when I'm dealing with feelings of isolation (an on and off theme). I just needed time off from everything.

I also felt quite ill since Wednesday with all kinds of symptoms, and while laying in bed I was wondering about which homeopathic remedy could possibly work for me and the state of all my bodies... Then shortly after that an image of spring green moss passed my mind, and this was quite intriguing! I got up and had to find out which remedy that could be... Strangely enough I didn't even remember at the point which remedy is could be, and after checking ... ah I already knew it, but I had totally forgotten which one it was! So yesterday I gave myself some homeopathic treatment and I was excited to see how it would go with this. Today I felt well again and much stronger so I went out and away for the whole day. Done with the recoiling! Then when I came home in the evening I found this validating report to read 😊 Thank you so much @Troy and Michael.


And thank you @DianeHB for your enthusiastic and happy reminder about the empowering and creative potential in becoming a business owner instead of an employee, and how fun and liberating it also is.

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Jeroen

Thank you, Troy.

 

I have been in a recoil state this week and have not done much beyond what was necessary. I became sick Monday night with another cold and felt pretty miserable. I slept about 14-hours during the night into the next morning and the rest definitely helped. In approximately three days, I was beginning to feel better even though there are still some lingering effects of exhaustion and congestion into today. This was a vastly quicker recovery compared to what I went through in February. On Friday, I experienced a greater level of presence in my moments throughout the day and noticed that this helped boost my energy levels during those moments. It reminded me that there are benefits to being more present in my days and life in general. Looking forward to getting out of a state of retreat and recoil.

 

I am with @DianeHB and @NickG on feeling enthusiastic about possibilities for the future. It seems that there are many exciting possibilities and potentials for our species if we can get past the current hurdles and work on healing collectively. I would like to be a part of the collective change and not isolated.

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Troy

Hey, for those of you who are having a great burst of positive energy and didn’t relate to the report, I think I read the report differently than you. It seemed that the report was describing this big burst of optimism, enthusiasm, energy, etc toward the end of March that would carry over into April and then went on to focus on where that went awry for a lot of us. They didn’t elaborate on the fun burst of energy because that is pretty self-explanatory, but focused on understanding what a lot of us experienced as a derailing of that enthusiasm. I apologize for the focus on what went awry because I think my own struggle with depression was coming through. I’m going through a bit of a rough time right now and my approach to this report was probably like, “what the fuck is going on!?” Instead of my usual neutral, “ok, what’s the report this month?” 

 

So if you didn’t relate to the report, it’s probably because your part of the report was basically, “hey, enjoy this great burst of enthusiam we already told you about!” And then Michael was like, “but for the rest of you... here’s what’s up.”

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Rosario

Thank you, Troy, I understand!! ❤️

 

I'm happy to say I'm another enthusiastic one these days!! I'm meeting new people, getting new clients and deepening my friendships....things are going on very nice for me :') 

Two days after our session, one of my clients (who also is a BTS fan) won a ticket to see them in Chicago!!! 🤩💕

 

It's funny because at the same time I had a bad pedicure and a subsequent toenail infection, LOL....bad neck pain and headaches the last 2 weeks , but they solved with antibiotics....morning yoga & massage. My physiotherapist told me I had some hyperlaxity...and I need to strengthen my muscles. I also feel like moving more, and will go to a pilates class next week. 

 

Anyway, I hope April is kinder to all of us. Much love dear familiy!! ❤️ 😊

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Luciana Flora
On 4/5/2019 at 9:22 PM, Troy said:

Some of you know this more clearly than others and you “rip the bandaid off” and go back into the flow of life. Some of you are more resentful and dreading and prefer to hold out as long as possible, keeping your distance from the mess of life and the mess of people and the mess of evolution.

 

There's something I find really interesting. Every time I see something that resonates in some energy report it does not seem to really have to do with an energy report, in my case it seems to have to do with a pattern of my entire life.

I think I've never really been much to participate in the world. Of the things that happen around me.

I did not participate much in school. And my colleagues do not seem to want me to participate either, so it was all "right". I kept the distance .. And this keep the distance became a habit that remains with me until today ..

Today I even participate a little more. One started to participate more in internet groups .. but I had some problems and I moved away from them too .. currently I only participate more here ..

If I were to feel like an observer and not a participant it was one of the reasons I considered myself scholar at the beginning .. But I think my distancing happened because at the beginning of my life the people around me, especially at school, seemed not to me to want there .. to distance myself seemed better ..
 

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DianeHB

@Troy That is what I figured, since Michael said the March shift landed well for SOME of their students. The people who are feeling good don't need as much help. 

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