Jump to content
Troy

ENERGY REPORT: April 2019

Recommended Posts

Evelin

@Rosario, you are always such a delightful bouncy ball of joy! Thank you for being here 🙂

  • LIKE/LOVE 10

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leela Corman

For me, both this month's and March's energy reports have resonated but in a subdued way. I feel like I'm sort of more in the middle, rather than on an extreme end. I think this is in part because I am spending some time tangling directly with the results of having made some extreme choices over the years - some 20 years ago and some more recently. I'm trying to understand why, and to recover some joy I lost. I definitely felt the recoiling into surveillance last week - I canceled my classes one day and stayed home and though I needed that, it felt weird and bad to distance myself that way. Meanwhile all this good stuff is happening in my life and I'm slightly out of phase with it, like I'm behind a barrier watching it happen. I want to fully experience it! But I'm still kind of distanced. I'm also trying to be ok with losing certain people and situations and times. Hence the subdued feelings. I don't see any of this as bad. It's just where I am now. I'm hoping to shed the emotional weight soon. It's happening very incrementally.

 

Last night I put on an album I had incredibly never listened to before - Codeine's "Frigid Stars". It's bizarre that I never heard it before, and I feel stupid for having skipped it, because they were active right when I was a young scene kid and that kind of music was and is still EXACTLY my frequency, to an almost dangerous degree. And, the other band that their drummer was in at the same time is my favorite American band of all time, Come (in which he was the other guitarist). I listened to the entire thing, alone, at midnight (my partner's out of town), and felt like no time had passed between 20-year-old me and 46-year-old me. I could so easily have been lying in my tiny Cambridge, MA bedroom, crying about my emotionally hot & cold long distance addict boyfriend and feeling obscure shame about everything and nothing. It almost scared me. Then I cried and cried, then I meditated and cried some more. The extreme choice I made in my mid 20's to reject what I'd been before seemed so sad, I felt like I really cheated myself out of years of being true to myself the way I am now, but I felt so much love for my current self too, like, I managed to get those parts back and have the accumulated experience and life I built in the interim, which has also been an authentic one. Just one which I launched into by telling myself that my old friends didn't love me and I didn't love them either. That wasn't true then and though I have issues with these doubts now too, it's not accurate now either. And somehow I'm the person I thought I'd become when I was young, before toxic painting teachers, shitty boyfriends, and my own immaturity knocked me onto a different path. Then I went to sleep and woke up to my child yelling for me to tell me she loves me. Here's that album. Click on this if you like extremely beautiful sad distorted guitars.

 

*While I was crying into the bathroom mirror, the thought I had was "why can't time slow down long enough for me to stay in one place and learn something?" So I guess I'll be contemplating that.

 

Edited by Leela Corman
  • LIKE/LOVE 11
  • THANK YOU! 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Heidi

Unfortunately, I'm in the recoiling gang - and quite literally. I've been laying on the couch in a fetal position since Thursday night with probably the worst flu I've ever had in my life. Fever, shivering, sweating, intense muscle pain. I felt like I was doing really well for awhile and even initiated a self-hard reset with cleaning house and water fasting. I felt fresh and new, ready to conquer the world. Now I just feel like shit. I haven't been able to think of the future or the past. Just moaning and hating life for the time being. 

 

Sorry for the rant. 

  • SAD 20

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leela Corman

@Heidi Flu can get fucked! I get the shot religiously every year and this year managed to dodge it, but the bug I got last year was so bad that if I hadn't had the vax I think I might have died or wound up in the hospital. My doctor later told me that 2018's flu was, in his words, "A 1918 level of virulence", and I hear this year's is nearly as bad. Rest up, that shit is no joke!

 

I came back here to add to my own bit that in the professional realm, I realized this week that my inner critic has been silenced. I think this actually happened a while ago, but I really notice it now. I no longer question my worth as an artist. I don't second-guess my ideas, I just test them, and if they don't work I jettison them. If I don't know how to draw something, I use a reference and figure it out if I need to. I feel like I have access to realms larger than myself, and an open portal to bring them into my work. In my band, I don't worry if my singing is rough or my lyrics clunky when we're first writing a song. I trust the process. This all feels like something worth sharing with my students, because this is such a common issue. It's funny to discover that I can't relate to it any longer.

 

This is absolutely not the case in my personal relationships.

  • LIKE/LOVE 13

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KurtisM

@Heidi

I got the worst stomach flu of my life last month. Everyone in my family but my mom got it.

It really only lasted 5 hours and subsided in the morning but it literally felt like I was dying.

I never vomited so much, shook so violently and dealt with the worst diarrhea ever.

It felt like all the water in my body was evacuated. Sorry if that's tmi but we might as well be honest.

So I feel you. The best advice I could give is to drink water even if you dont want to, be as present as you can and just sleep.

 

I think these flus are going around because humanity is dealing with a total overwhelm from all levels and corners of life.

Our bodies are quite literally sick of the old paradigm, and in a way it's like they're throwing a rebellion against working so hard on all levels.

They force us to slow the fuck down.

The shitty thing is that because this is a collective issue, even if we aren't processing the same issues as the world, we still live in that world and are affected by its processes.

The same then goes for if we have done huge leaps in healing, but the world around us is gravely sick. We're likely to get sick if everyone else is: literally and metaphorically.

Edited by KurtisM
  • LIKE/LOVE 6
  • THANK YOU! 1
  • SAD 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NickG
1 hour ago, Heidi said:

Unfortunately, I'm in the recoiling gang - and quite literally. I've been laying on the couch in a fetal position since Thursday night with probably the worst flu I've ever had in my life. Fever, shivering, sweating, intense muscle pain. I felt like I was doing really well for awhile and even initiated a self-hard reset with cleaning house and water fasting. I felt fresh and new, ready to conquer the world. Now I just feel like shit. I haven't been able to think of the future or the past. Just moaning and hating life for the time being. 

 

Sorry for the rant. 

@Heidi the week before my burst of enthusiasm and optimistic energy, I was the sickest I have been in a loooooong time too. Fever, intestinal virus, no appetite, married to the toilet lol The whole  cleansing thing is rough 😂

Edited by NickG
  • LIKE/LOVE 8
  • WHAT/WOW! 1
  • SAD 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AnnaD

I am getting some recoil happening. I don't know if I am losing my perspective on things due to some depression due to situations: Chch massacre, being chronically understaffed at my work place, having to fight the same fight time and again about safe staffing with the workload to available staff ratio (this is what does me in the most tbh), my Uncle dying, Yvonne's Uncle dying, the shitty state of the environment, the stubbornness of people for whom profit comes above all else, so I am definitely noticing my desire to control more of my general personal and professional environment increasing.

There has been more than one occasion recently of my work situation's understaffing that I want to fucking strangle management. How I cope when management refuse to listen to our demand for more nursing staff? I either take a mental health day off of work, or I out and out refuse to do a procedure that requires more nursing staff than my team has. Patients just have to wait for their procedure, until management decides to hire more nursing staff. In NZ, regulation stipulates that govt owned and managed hospitals like the one I am working in, have to provide enough staff for the workload, and if management doesn't provide enough staff for the scheduled workload, then the workload doesn't proceed at that level, and staffing then becomes a management problem because the govt then asks very closely of management why management hasn't put through the required level of patients over a time frame. out of my hands. Apathy and powerlessness set in when a voice for advocacy is ignored, railroaded etc

 

Things that continue to get me excited are my creative projects: vegan fermenting projects, my edible food forest garden, my shift into my house in June of this year, my future purchase of a ferment fridge for my creative projects, which leave me feeling

positive and hopeful. I have much wariness and tiredness about what I see as an absence of positive environmentably sustainable momentum... It feels as though not enough people care, and it is getting to me. I am positive about some things, but until a significant portion of this world comes to the inclusive humanity party/ resource based economy party/vegan party/sustainable business party/ grow your own fruit and veges party, I am over here. I have limits and so far this year, they have been exceeded, so I am shoring up my protection and simplifying. 

 

 

 

 

  • LIKE/LOVE 11
  • THANK YOU! 1
  • SAD 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leela Corman

It's also flu season 🙂 I mean Influenza, to be specific, not bad colds. Get your shots, if not for you, then for the immunocompromised people around you - babies, the elderly, people with cancer, AIDS, diabetes. Also you might still get sick but you won't croak! Which, honestly, dying has its benefits but the flu seems such an undignified way to go.

 

Thinking further about this time period, I have been strongly feeling the need to protect myself. Again it's partially due to experimenting with my personal boundaries last year, being somewhat hurt by the results, and needing to pull back now, but in general I'm feeling like everything out there is abrasive and I need to take steps to insulate myself. My tolerance for even relatively mundane interactions is lower than normal and I feel more "shields up". Picture the Nine of Wands in the tarot. I also feel like I'm trying to keep certain personal things at bay - like, there's a part of me that is a little paranoid and assumes that everyone is always angry with me, that always feels anxious and miserable and like I've somehow fucked things up, and I am fighting that voice hard right now. I need to ask Michael about it and try to untangle it. It feels very unhealthy and sometimes makes me question my mental health. 

 

I look at Twitter too much. That's an abrasive environment. And every time I actually hear, rather than read from a remove, anything the budget fascist says, or his supporters, I feel like every organ in my body is being flayed with a sander. How is this our reality? In time the way he speaks English is going to be viewed in the same way as how Hitler spoke German: shrill, ugly, boorish. Both languages can be spoken with so much elegance and beauty, but they both have done violence to it. That's not my main point, the point is the content, but the form, ugh. 

 

As always, fuck capitalism, burn down the patriarchy, and read more comics.

Edited by Leela Corman
  • LIKE/LOVE 8
  • THANK YOU! 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leela Corman

Now I keep thinking of this extremely early very short Einsturzende Neubauten song, "Draußen ist Feindlich" ("Outside Is Hostile"). Blixa, I can relate!

 

 

  • LIKE/LOVE 1
  • WHAT/WOW! 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NickF

Resonates deeply and helps me understand what I’ve been experiencing. Thanks Troy. 

  • LIKE/LOVE 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sky Goldy

No bursts of enthusiasm here.The elections in Israel are going to be bad news.

 

  • LIKE/LOVE 1
  • SAD 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sam K
35 minutes ago, Sky Goldy said:

No bursts of enthusiasm here.The elections in Israel are going to be bad news.

 


You think?  I had heard that it's a dead heat, and that Likud might even be narrowly behind.  Granted, Blue and White isn't great either, but better than Likud at least.

  • LIKE/LOVE 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sky Goldy

Thank you Sam, for trying to hold on to optimism , but as from today Israel is more ardently fascist then ever. I have that wyclif Jean song in my head, someone please call 911.

  • WHAT/WOW! 1
  • SAD 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Troy

This probably isn't the best place to post this, but it's my April Energy... I've been sick ever since we got back from Boston. It slowly crept up on me and now I can barely see and I'm sneezing constantly with swollen sinuses and exhaustion. I'm just lying low and riding this out. I'm behind on Support Tickets, so please continue to be patient with me. I think my depression just left my immune system even more vulnerable and I'm processing whatever it is I'm processing. It sucks, but it will pass... soon, I hope!

  • LIKE/LOVE 6
  • SAD 14

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Leela Corman

@Troy I love you. I hope you feel better soon. I hear the pollen is horrible everywhere. And travel can really take it out of you. Rest up.

  • LIKE/LOVE 5
  • THANK YOU! 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CurvyWords

I've been so extra this week! Just all up in the kool-aid and don't even know the flavor! I've had like...legit 4 or 5 tense interactions in the past three days. I used to be a big firestarter but I've calmed down a lot since hitting my 30's and honestly, I hate confrontation but I'm also a sass machine so you can see my problem. I am literally just doing the macarena in -Identification and hitting the cupid shuffle in -Zeal and can't seem to stop! 

 

I wasn't expecting it but I think the death of rapper Nipsey Hussle has affected me in strange ways. As in, everyone is fucking annoying. I am used to people being annoying and simply observing that and moving on with my business but this week for some reason I'm being really antagonistic and critical. Maybe cause I can't really immerse myself in this grieving moment cause it feels really disingenuous for various reasons, but I'm trying to be respectful and let my people feel their feelings.

 

But I'm also like, please shut up. This man was a colorist, a misogynist, and a homophobe. He was a temperamental dickhead. He lost his shit on the wrong person and they returned his energy with heightened violence and he's dead today because of his temper. And the contributions to "his community" was just more capitalism. His relationship with his long suffering babymama is not "#goals" cause he cheated on her multiple times and she is a bird who placed her whole identity in her relationships with men.

 

I guess I should just say that and be in that and admit that's how I feel instead of taking out my agitation on people and in places that it's unnecessary. That or just staying off social media for the week. Who knows. How's everyone holding up?

 

 

  • LIKE/LOVE 9
  • THANK YOU! 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Juni

I'm sleeping badly lately but I'm also wide awake. Anyone else feeling sort of...jangly this week? 

  • LIKE/LOVE 9
  • SAD 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NickF
9 minutes ago, Juni said:

 

I'm sleeping badly lately but I'm also wide awake. Anyone else

 

 

Also not sleeping well lately. 😕

  • LIKE/LOVE 4
  • SAD 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AnnaD

@Juni, I am feeling jangly as fuck tbh. Sleeping has been a bit shit. But an outstandingly BAD sleep deprived jet lagged financial decision involving a loan, was amended yesterday so as not to incur hideous financial penalties, so already I am feeling far less stressed. 

  • LIKE/LOVE 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Connor

Well, I've addressed the Sorting/Cleaning Nexus a little early. My current bedroom is clean and sorted for the first time ever. Marie Kondo has a wonderful way of folding shirts that saves space, which has turned my sprawled mountain of clothing into a neat well-organized stack. When I moved into the apartment where I now live, back in June 2018, I dropped all of my stuff onto the floor, infused myself with a strong dose of cannabis, and now in April I have finally unpacked and cleaned up. I will have friends sleeping over tonight for upcoming birthday and Game of Thrones celebrations, which is why my bedroom needed to become inhabitable again. I haven't had friends over in a very long time, and the timing with the nexus is juicy. To celebrate, I am now in the process of mulling some wine.

 

Anyone who feels their life needs a change should start by cleaning their bedroom.

  • LIKE/LOVE 14
  • LOL 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Juni
4 hours ago, Connor said:

Well, I've addressed the Sorting/Cleaning Nexus a little early. My current bedroom is clean and sorted for the first time ever. Marie Kondo has a wonderful way of folding shirts that saves space, which has turned my sprawled mountain of clothing into a neat well-organized stack.

Anyone who feels their life needs a change should start by cleaning their bedroom.

 Love me some Marie Kondo/Konmari. Did that back in 2015 and truly life changing.

  • LIKE/LOVE 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jeroen

I felt compelled to clean out my desk at work. I have very little left now except the few things that I need for my job. It was somewhere around that time that all the crap on the ground in the room that I work in had to be moved out so carpet cleaners could come in during the evening hours. I work in a room with a few other people. After the cleanup, I felt I had more energy overall which at work. The room felt refreshed. Since then the crap has returned on the ground nearby but at least my desk is still clean. I did some cleaning periodically this year at home too. I do not have too much stuff left but I have a mental list of things I would like to give away to someone or recycle if possible. Sometimes I find something as simple as shifting things around in a room to be refreshing. It will be interesting to see what comes of the upcoming Nexus.

  • LIKE/LOVE 9

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stickyflames

Anyone else feel like this is the year they finally go insane?

  • LIKE/LOVE 3
  • THANK YOU! 1
  • LOL 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KurtisM

@Stickyflames. Well I feel like this is the year where I can finally be ok with my life, speak up and take risks.

Emphasis on "can" because I'm still pretty damn afraid of risks.

  • LIKE/LOVE 8
  • THANK YOU! 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...