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Luciana Flora

I'll reveal something about myself.

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Luciana Flora

I'd like to say something about myself that I do not usually tell.

And one of the reasons is that I would like to be seen as a normal person .. but the truth is that I'm not sure if I am.

And lately I've had dreams about this stuff that I read has been a trigger on this even when I know what it's written is not referring to me.

When I did this topic. I think I'm going to be crazy:

 

 

There is something that I did not go into too much detail. Due to my unusual behavior many people questioned my parents .. Not just the mother of that student.

Teachers questioned. Even my parents confessed to me that they often did not even tell me about the questions because they knew I would be upset.

However if I would go to some neorologist or psychiatrist they would not identify anything in me. But it seemed that for non-medical people it was obvious that I was not normal.

And it was then that I realized that I was not normal for most people, but I also did not have enough problems to be diagnosed with something. Which seemed to leave me in a kind of limbo. I do not know if that's the best word, but I can not find a better one.

 

But I followed my life as well as I could under these conditions.

I was already 27 years old when I heard of asperger. One thing you need to know is that autism spectrum in Brazil is highly unknown .. and most still think that autistic refers only to those very serious cases where the person does not speak, has intelligence below the average .. and even has many outdated proffessional on this issue.


I only found out on account of something called the internet and I did many pesuisas in English. I joined facebook groups related to this. And many people were self-diagnosed because here it is very difficult to have a diagnosis after adulthood. Especially if it's a mild case.

 

In my case I went to a psychiatrist who confirmed. But asperger is somewhat controversial. And I know that a lot of people think that there is an exaggeration and that now it is enough to be a little strange to have a diagnosis (of course among people who know something about it). Which would bring me back to "controversy" about me.

Polemic type: Would I have or not asperger? Was something wrong with me or was I just just a little strange?

I wanted to get away from this polemic. And then when I moved and I would start a new life I decided that I would forget about it. I would not talk about it any more, I would not think about it anymore.

 

I would follow my life as if nothing had happened .. It just has not worked for the reasons I mentioned at the beginning ..

And I can not deny that in the facebook group I really identified with many people .. and that there is a video of a perquisador about asperger in menicas that I really saw me in a lot .. Especially when talking about going to the mindo da imagination where it is accepted and valued .. what I used to call disconnecting.

 

I really do not know if this would be a valid diagnosis .. but I know that it somehow reassured my parents with a possible explanation of my behavior ..

 

 

I'm going to put the video here:

 

 

At the time of school I had no friends, no girls, no boys .. I used go maor the imagination in a world I was  accepts. ..

Edited by Luciana Flora
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Marigold

@Luciana Flora, I have a Life Task that emphasizes daydreaming and imagination a lot (I still haven't posted the session but I will, eventually). I don't think that 'disconnecting' as you call it is necessarily a bad thing. Of course, it's individual in every case and it can be done for different reasons-loneliness, escape, pleasure, entertainment, problem solving, fostering creativity, etc. Or it can be done for some or all of those reasons combined. 

 

For myself, I know that even if I had the most amazing life and was a sociable person, I would STILL like to continue fantasizing because I enjoy exploring possibilities and various ideas. Adventures and plotlines. Diving into your imagination doesn't have to be something that TAKES YOU AWAY from your real life, but it can be instead something that ADDS awe and wonder to life and takes you beyond the familiar and routine. Fantasizing is not synonymous with disorders on its own.

 

Don't judge yourself so harshly for using your imagination to feel less lonely. So what? One can fantasize about being well-liked and accepted while at the same time trying to create connections.  Being inclusive, not exclusive.  And sometimes one is in an environment where it's really hard to find people you click with ( get along) and relate to. That's how I feel right now, by the way.

 

And regardless of whether you do or don't have Asperger syndrome, it doesn't mean you have less potential or value than other people. Diagnoses and self-diagnoses, especially those concerning mental health and developmental issues, can be a tricky thing because on the one hand, they can give us some clarity and understanding but on the other hand, they can definitely worsen feelings of self-condemnation. So how you interpret them and where you decide to go from them is very important. When a diagnosis is correct, it should serve as a map or tool, not as something to be used against the self.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Marigold
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Luciana Flora
1 hour ago, Marigold said:

For myself, I know that even if I had the most amazing life and was a sociable person, I would STILL like to continue fantasizing because I enjoy exploring possibilities and various ideas. Adventures and plotlines. Diving into your imagination doesn't have to be something that TAKES YOU AWAY from your real life, but it can be instead something that ADDS awe and wonder to life and takes you beyond the familiar and routine. Fantasizing is not synonymous with disorders on its own.

 

Don't judge yourself so harshly for using your imagination to feel less lonely. So what? One can fantasize about being well-liked and accepted while at the same time trying to create connections.  Being inclusive, not exclusive.  And sometimes one is in an environment where it's really hard to find people you click with ( get along) and relate to. That's how I feel right now, by the way.

@Marigold

I agree with you. Fantasizing does not necessarily mean turning away from reality. but in my case, that's the way it happened.

I do not call disconnecting just by being fantasizing .. I call disconnect because I have done it for the purpose of moving away from a reality that I did not like.

 

I agree that I can do this and at the same time connect with people .. however that was not what happened in most of my life .. I fantasized because I believed that only in fantasy could I have friends ..

 

I did not even try to get closer to people .. I doubted even the possibility of someone wanting to be my friend.

 

That's why I do not agree very much with Michael's vision of hope .. I agree that you can not just be waiting for something to happen .. but when I do not even believe the possibility that something happens there is that I do nothing to that this comes .. so I think hope is needed yes ...

And for a long time I had no hope that I could have friends .. I did not even try to get close to anyone ..

This is a bit different now and I'm really trying to do both .. but when there is a crisis in some relationship I tend to go back to thinking that friendship is not for me ..

 

As for this question I intend to address with Michael at some point .. but I think I'll wait a bit until I can do a one hour session again ..

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CurvyWords

Do you feel a sense of relief or more confusion at the thought of possibly being on the spectrum of Autism or having Aspergers?

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Luciana Flora
46 minutes ago, CurvyWords said:

Do you feel a sense of relief or more confusion at the thought of possibly being on the spectrum of Autism or having Aspergers?

my feelings about this possibility are contradictory.

Because on the one hand it really explains a lot in my behaviors .. As the question of going to an imaginary world to escape from an uncomfortable reality ..

I know that maybe other people can do this without having asperger .. But coincidence or not the people who reported me doing it were just people diagnosed or self-diagnosed as asperger or inside the spectrum ..

people who do not see themselves in the spectrum even were astonished when I reported this, and they told me that they can not disconnect in this way ..


My period without speaking fits in selective mutism .. it is not common for a child to stop talking .. and the only time I saw someone reporting something similar was in a group on facebook dedicated to the aspergers .. the other peoplew all reported fright .. and I do not know if you saw the video .. but in the vidio itself it is said that this usually happens with people within the spectrum .. the selective mutism ..

 

These are some examples of explanation .. on the other hand I spent much of my life trying to show everyone that I was normal .. because I think normal people have a life easier .. But I never managed to convince anyone ... IoI

One thing I'm sure is that I need self acceptance .. because for most of my life I thought I should be different ..

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michael_k

@Luciana Flora I can relate so well to this. I was a weird kid and teenager that was always lost in their imagination. It was embarrassing because I used to sometimes think of hilarious things and start laughing to myself and everyone at school would think I was a freak... and it wasn't like I could tell the joke because there was probably a huge imaginary lead up about something completely irrelevant that would make even less sense if I told it. At the time I felt ashamed of myself for my daydreamer habits but it doesn't really affect me anymore. I feel like I can use my imagination in more practical ways now and I've learned a lot of that by exploring spirituality and being inquisitive about how other people experience and think. There is no real normal and I can take comfort in that now. Plus, it's better to be weird and laughing than to be depressed and in a state of existential hopelessness, and the latter place is somewhere I've been also and it was then when I was most concerned for my own sanity.

 

One thing about Old Souls and imagination I've heard from the Michael Teachings is that we tend to start off being very 'exclusive' of the world, in that we just want to dwell in our own headspace and reconcile our world in a more 'inclusive' way later on, participating in the world and being practical whilst still being inspired by all that we came up with in our fantasies. As for whether to feel 'hope' or not, from what I've read of the Teachings, 'hope' is meant to be replaced with 'trust', and you do that not by feeling beaten down, but by looking at yourself in a practical way and being aware of what you are capable of, and then using that as a solid basis to drive your goals and confidence further. If you want your hope of making friends to turn into trust, you need to be able to look at the positive aspects of your personality and examine times where you were able to socialise well and build on that. You seem to be very good at participating and expressing your thoughts on TLE, for example, and I've learned from reading your stories, as I have found them relatable to my own situations.

Edited by michael_k
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Luciana Flora
13 hours ago, michael_k said:

As for whether to feel 'hope' or not, from what I've read of the Teachings, 'hope' is meant to be replaced with 'trust', and you do that not by feeling beaten down, but by looking at yourself in a practical way and being aware of what you are capable of, and then using that as a solid basis to drive your goals and confidence further. If you want your hope of making friends to turn into trust, you need to be able to look at the positive aspects of your personality and examine times where you were able to socialise well and build on that. You seem to be very good at participating and expressing your thoughts on TLE, for example, and I've learned from reading your stories, as I have found them relatable to my own situations.

I really like your answer .. everything you said makes sense ...

 

 

However .. I can not see hope in a negative way .. or in a way that will hinder my path.

I do think I  ddi not approached people in the past precisely because I had no hope that I could have friends ..

 

And even your suggestion I only can to do now because I have hope ..

Edited by Luciana Flora
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MichaelE

@Luciana Flora I am glad that Asperger Syndrome explains parts of your life. That is awesome to hear! If you do not want to fight the seeming consistent battles and want to use it as an explanation to others for the aspects of your life that they find "unusual" so be it. If you find it truth in it, there is no reason why you cannot give that truth to other people in order to save you time and effort, whether or not a doctor validates it. I would however like to caution you to not use this as a way to explain these "unusual" aspects of life to yourself. There are so many things that are unknown to doctors and scientists about the human body and especially the mind. Do not allow this diagnosis to limit yourself in any way.

 

Yesterday, I was speaking to my friend who thinks he has Asperger Syndrome, but has not been validated by doctors. He takes immense pride in the diagnosis and thinks that people with Autism (anywhere on the spectrum) have superpowers and are mutants like from the X-Men. We were talking about how we think most Autism and Asperger Syndrome is a hyper-focus on certain things and other matters of concern are ignored or simply do not exist. For example, what happens when you take your focus from, let's say, 40 things down to 10 or 5 or even 1. The more focused the better you get. What if you have been doing that your entire life? You are even better. Hence the idea of superpowers.

 

You probably have things you focus on to the exclusion of other things, everybody does. You may have less items of focus and a byproduct of intensity, but that does not make you less than the "normal" people. In some cases and definitely in an ideal world it would give you an advantage. Be proud of who and how you are because you are great!!!!

 

If you truly want to change who and how you are nothing is stopping you except yourself.

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Ingun

I like to say that no matter what kind of diagnoses a person has, or how many diagnoses, one is always so much more than any diagnose(s). We are vast beings, and any diagnose is only a small piece of the bigger picture of who we are. There is so much more to discover and pay attention to about the self and about the Personality.

 

If you have used your fantasy and imagination a lot for daydreaming, it's also a wonderful thing. It's like exercising an essential part of you, and it's not a waist of time or something to look down at. Using your imagination is empowering and the higest frequency owned by a body according to Michael, and that "it is your strength that you can imagine the future". They have also said something like; the imagination's benefits and capabilities are too easily dismissed as fanciful 🙂

Edited by Ingun
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