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ENERGY REPORT - May 2019

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Luciana Flora
6 hours ago, CurvyWords said:

Good news is, I've resolved to stop fighting it. My biggest fear is that the things my family feels about me is true. If I had to guess my Family Ikon it'd be something along the lines of "The one with all the unrealized potential." I figured half the work is getting to a place where that doesn't horrify me anymore. Where, if it is true, and I manage to remain this brilliant light with a million possibilities to positively impact the world, and all I ever am is someone who shoots off funny tweets once and a while, can I still like myself? Love myself, even? Stay tuned, I guess.

I find it interesting how two people can see the same situation differently.


If I believed my parents thought I had unfulfilled potential. I'd find a good thing, Would it mean that they believe I have potential

 

And that I had spent most of my life trying to prove that I was capable of doing things. And I think the simple fact that I had a job surprised my parents ..

 

  Maybe this is not entirely real .. Maybe this is an interpretation that does not correspond to reality. But I believed that my parents thought I had no potential.

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Bogi

Well, I can confim that I am turning my attention back to my personal life.

And some creative productivity will help me a big way, I think.

Self-care,  check.

Self-reflection, check. But I have been since last year in self-reflection mode, so nothing new here.

 

Quote

Some of you may have felt a surge of intensity as if “hitting a wall” with your patience and flexibility. This is not a bad sign. For those who experienced this over the end of April and beginning of May, it is an experience that is reminding you of your limits and/or an unlocking of permission for your power. Many are in a state of inner conflict over how to navigate challenges in life and in the world that force them to behave in ways that are unnatural to them, such as “getting angry,” “drawing a line,” clarifying boundaries and redefining themselves in terms of ethical and compassionate choices and actions.  We think that most of our students will have “that moment” over the next 30 to 90 days if they have not experienced it, yet.

 

Well, yesterday I definitely hit the wall, both personally and professionally.

Currently, it does not mean anything more that I am communicating my boundaries to the outside world. Although I think it is quite obvious that some outside cicumstances make me miserable, but it is time to put down my foot and say it, so that people do not have to play a guessing game or pretend that they do not see what they DO see.

 

I lay out for them what is inside, and let them react to it as they like.

But, of course, that does not mean that they are responsible for finding a solution. That is my responsability.

Michael said that I need relationships, so that they reflect back to me.

That is why I am going out, telling things, so that I get the necessary information for my decisions.

Michael made me see myself in this aspect more conciously.

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Leela Corman

Oh my god, already this month is so heavy. I can't get myself out of what feels like a deep hole. I feel terrible all the time. I can also feel the part of me that is fine and is observing. But I'm feeling really disoriented and wondering now, as I type this, if that disorientation is a product of part of me feeling Not OK and another part Observing it. I am extremely high-functioning so it's pretty hard for me to really say "I'm not ok". I don't want to go into the details of why I feel this way but it's just something I'm going to have to get through until it's over and gone. It just feels really bad. Right before I woke up I dreamed that there was a hair in my mouth as I was trying to pay for something (a cleaning product, fittingly), but when I went to grab it (trying all the while to hide what I was doing from the woman ringing me up) I realized there was more than one hair, and then suddenly I was pulling a huge, disgusting plug of stiff, old hair from my throat. It was like a cross between hair stuck in a drain, and a brillo pad. There were bits of food stuck in it. In waking life I am particularly disgusted by all of these things. It felt so real and visceral pulling it out. I could feel it coming up through my throat and mouth. In the dream I crouched down trying to hide my actions from everyone else in the store/post office I was in, then I crawled to the trash and searched for the right trashcan to put it in; all the garbage cans were categorized (HAHA). When I woke up, I could still feel it in my throat.

 

I'm really upset about a bunch of things right now in my personal life, and feeling like on my end, I need to lighten my energy or something. I keep having long exhausting conversations with my partner, and long exhausting conversations in my head with a friend who isn't talking to me right now and who left me hanging badly on some things. After sending them some long exhausting notes that went unanswered. So I want to stop doing that. Last night I realized how badly I want a fresh start in some existing relationships, and I guess with myself too, since I've almost never had the urge to lighten my own approach to anything. But, so much of the time lately I am so incredibly serious. I'm working on this serious, hard project and the world is so fucking serious right now, and I don't mean lighten as in laugh more, I just mean, not be so hard on myself, and find simpler ways to get what I need from loved ones and to give them what they need. Not be such a power drill to myself constantly. 

 

All this is happening as I notice that I feel like my mental health is not so great. Yesterday I had lunch with some friends and found myself trying to explain some heavier stuff and nearly stammering and stopping. That's not like me at all. I feel like I'm cracking. This is why I need to shed some metaphorical weight. Because when I feel that weight I start to cry at inappropriate times and say weird things and feel not so capable. I also must acknowledge that being a person in the US right now does not fucking help, and being a woman and a Jew right now is terrifying, and I also want to acknowledge that I realize this where black and brown people have been all along. This is a really fucked up time to be alive.

 

Beyond that I just feel like the misery I'm feeling in my heart is keeping me from fully utilizing all the amazing things already in place in my life - people, connections. So I want to get back to that. In nicer news, today was Mother's Day lunch at my daughter's kindergarten and it was so delightful. She's growing into such a loving, funny, articulate little kid, and she was so happy to be with me today.

 

Pardon this long thing. I hope someone finds something in it. Maybe someone here is also looking at lightness and heaviness and feeling fucked up. Solidarity.

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Stickyflames

I feel like I am already at the nexus.

I didn’t notice how fucking depressed I have been for months until I danced for the first time in a while by myself. 

In meditation a few days ago after about 20 minutes of embracing every thought ( this is the inly kind of meditation I have felt is useful for me....just going “ mind, I give you permission to BE FREE and think whatever for 30 minutes” and I just watch where it goes and include the horror, confusion, silliness and whatevers) My mind went blank and I was in this state of eternity. I seemed to be in another world where people were part plant. As I came into focus as a Royce again I noticed my heart become really heavy like it was about to burst on fire. Out of “ nowhere” i had a deep love for my estranged parents and just really felt like every desperate craving, addiction, delusion, isolated experience is rooted from this broken fucking heart.

This heart that learned at a young age that people can’t be trusted. I can’t be trusted. Life can’t be trusted. 

Since then I have felt a pull towards stepping into life, speak up for myself, let experiences maybe just be fun? Maybe not live in the mercy of others ideas or lack of ideas of who I am? 

Anyway, Happy mothers day weekend to all you mothers learning to mother yourself through life. All of us are worth love.

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CurvyWords

@Stickyflames DAMN YOU, white man. I was fully planning on going through this weekend without getting emotional. This was really beautiful to read and that sounds like a terrifying and glorious experience, thank you for sharing. 

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AnnaD

I have a head cold, it has been building for a week and now it is here. I caught it from probably my partner but maybe the hospital

where I work. I am so tired. I have spent today in my bedclothes, had to go out to drop off my nephews birthday present, I couldn't really spend time there as sitting talking in their cosy fire heated room was making me feel fevery, my nephew loved his present, an old digital camera that my partner was going to donate to the hospice shop. 

 

I am having some days off work to recover.

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Bobby
8 hours ago, AnnaD said:

I have a head cold, it has been building for a week and now it is here. I caught it from probably my partner but maybe the hospital

where I work. I am so tired. I have spent today in my bedclothes, had to go out to drop off my nephews birthday present, I couldn't really spend time there as sitting talking in their cosy fire heated room was making me feel fevery, my nephew loved his present, an old digital camera that my partner was going to donate to the hospice shop. 

 

I am having some days off work to recover.

 

Take care of yourself and feel better soon, Anna

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Troy

Reading through all of these updates, I'm hoping the May 18th Nexus brings some relief! I've been feeling better than usual, all being said, but like many of you, there is this undercurrent of grief and existential ennui. Until this fuckface is out of office and all of his supporters are forced to crawl back under their rocks, I don't think I will be clean of this oil of depression that seems to coat everything. Some of you are talking about personal events in your lives having similar effects, but I have a feeling that those personal events would not be so overwhelming or challenging if world events were on an upswing instead of seeming to be steadily declining. Hang in there, everyone. We got this.

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Wendy

Yesterday I read a news article that sparked a sinking into the more of my #1 anxiety.  I tried to manage it and ended up taking a klonopin and telling myself that I made this situation so I could bring my warrior skills to the challenge, but only because Michael has told me that I create chaos for myself just so I can create beauty from it, not because I totally believe it!  I'm limiting my news following but it's extremely difficult if you want to go on FB, which I do for other reasons.  Looking forward to the 5/18 nexus too.  How much of this pressure can we withstand?  Something's gotta give!

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Leela Corman

@CurvyWords "Damn you white man" has had me laughing for DAYS, sorry, I hope that's ok! And thank you.

 

There's definitely something to this "find some lightness" thing I've been on for the past couple of days. It's helping and I hope it stays. I really don't want to sink back into the quicksand I've been in.

 

I agree with everyone about the larger world being so heavy and hard to look at. How many of us are really just witnessing ourselves and loved ones stretched to the limit of our coping skills for outside events, rather than personal ones? I know it's both but as a friend said to me recently, "Is it crazy to ask a woman if she's 'ok' in 2019?" (insert so many other categories there too). Everyone is kind of losing it for good reason. And then we go and complicate our lives further with our personal choices.

 

Okay welp time to go paint more of that Holocaust graphic novel I'm hoping to deliver by the end of the year, enjoy your day!

Edited by Leela Corman
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KurtisM

I've been on a upswing lately like @Troy, but only because I'm choosing to.

I could be spiraling into despair and anxiety right now, but I've chosen to take baby steps and build everything I care about one step at a time. I'm doing some more enjoyable prioritization.

I had a dream that included TLE today. I'll post it at another time. Still writing it in my journal.

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Christian

sorry to hear people are having it rough.   

 

I have been sick the last two weeks.  Allergies caught up to my sinuses and ta-da infection.  However,  that is nothing unusual for this time of year for me in the mid-west. 

 

One of our cars died and it would take about $3K to fix it.....and.....it might not fix everything.   Noped right out of that.  13 year old car we had for 7 years.   If you are friends on facebook, then you know that was taken care of by Carvana and me having fixed my credit better than I thought.  So, YAY new to us car. 

 

Things feel positive for the first time in a while, and I am keeping depression me at bay by just sitting with it. 

 

(((((HUGS))))) for those that need it. 

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Crystal

I'm hoping for good things from the May 18 Nexus, too. Unlike some of you, I'm doing pretty OK this month and accomplishing quite a bit. Deleting my Twitter was definitely a good decision! 

 

As for the country situation, yes, it's hard not to feel pessimistic - but I tell myself, "what if there hadn't been that blue wave in November? What if the House was still majority Republican? What if several Governorships hadn't flipped to blue?" Things would be far, FAR worse.

 

The Mueller report may have disappointed, but the M's mentioned people, in the plural, who are fighting for our democracy. I'd like to shout out to one of them - New York's new Attorney General, Letitia James, who has Trump and the NRA (which is basically a slush fund/giant stooge for Trump and Co) in her crosshairs: https://www.npr.org/2019/04/29/718394056/new-york-attorney-general-launches-investigation-into-nra-financial-dealings

 

And Elizabeth Warren just keeps knocking it out of the park with her policy proposals. I'd settle for Biden, but I really want Warren as President in 2020. I think she could be a transformational figure.

 

Sending loving thoughts (and purrs from all my kitties) to everyone who needs them.

 

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CurvyWords

In case anyone is wondering how my month is going:

@Leela Corman Of course that's okay!!! If I make a joke on the internet and no one laughs, is it even a joke?!

Edited by CurvyWords
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Sam K

My grandmother may or may not be dying.  She's currently undergoing surgery for a coronary arterial tear, complicated by the fact that she's an alcoholic and suffering the effects of withdrawal.  Still waiting for news on the results.

 

EDIT: So she came out of the surgery, though they're still trying to get her fully stabilized.  They say her chances of making it through the next few days are about 60-70%.  She's 77, and lived quite a hard life, so that's actually better odds than I would've thought.

 

 

Edited by Sam K
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Marigold

So, I'm furious. My mom won't be able to receive her chemotherapy treatment today because her leukocytes are too low (2,3). This is the second time she'll be skipping. Her prescribed chemo drug is Paclitaxel which is quite strong and damaging to fast-dividing cells, especially white blood cells in her case. Which is why she doesn't receive the whole thing once every 21 days and is instead divided into three portions every month. 

 

Last month she couldn't do it the third time of the first course and she had to stay in hospital. Now she can't do it the second time (during the second course) so she will be staying in the hospital and given injections again. She's on a whole food plant based diet. So is my sister and I. She also takes supplements designed to boost the immune system during chemotherapy. But it's just not enough. The doctors say that if she can't boost her white blood cells, the treatment will have to be discontinued.

 

And they are blaming her refusal to eat meat for the low leukocytes which is what makes me angry. Meat itself is not healthy, especially for cancer patients. There are also other people with similar issues who are omnivores. And in many other ways, she's healthy. No cholesterol, perfect weight, etc. I don't know what her Body Type corresponding to Health is but I suspect it's Solar because she gets sick extremely rarely but when she does, it's something really bad like now. And Solar's weak spot is the immune system, as well as its greatest strength. 

 

So does anyone have advice? Unfortunately, we don't know any reliable homeopaths here and plant-based doctors that could support her immune system with an individualized homeopathic treatment and a more individualized plant based diet for her current needs during chemotherapy.

Edited by Marigold
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Christian

I have noticed something strange.

 

Four differnet unrelated couples within my wife and i's circle of friends are either getting divorced or that is a strong possibility.  All of them were together over 15 years.  And weirder.

 

Wife:

1 couple is her cousin.

 

1 couple is gay friend and his husband.

 

Me:

1 couple is a close relative.

 

1 couple is a gay friend and his husband.

 

All this seems to be coming to head this weekend.

 

The synchronicity of the two groups just seemed worthy of note given the 'cleaning house' trend this month.

 

And I am just puzzling over it.

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Leela Corman

My experience this past week has been a breath of fresh air. Not like a giant rush of it. More like opening a window for the first time after winter ends and remembering what fresh air smells like. This is purely metaphorical for me because where I live it's been summer weather for months but anyway. After the decision I made to try to consciously lighten my energy, I got a boost of creative energy in every area of my life. And a few days ago, not unrelated, I realized that it's time to start thinking about relocating again. It's too early to say much, though I do have a lot to say. Briefly, time to get out of Florida, take my little girl back to the Northeast, for so many reasons. Political, reproductive, environmental, familial, personal (I don't want to get old far away from my best friend and cadence mate, among other things). But right now it's in the realm of thought. I know something cool will manifest from it and I'm surprised, too.

 

Meanwhile the political situation is ever more dystopian. 

Edited by Leela Corman
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Connor

Some lovely synchronicity happened on Friday, although not to me. I was a witness. I gave a tour of Old City Philadelphia, where the United States was born, to a family of people from Florida. As we headed inside Congress Hall, (meeting place of Congress during the 1790s, where the Bill of Rights was ratified) the family encountered some of their in-laws from South Carolina, who just so happened to be visiting Philly at the same time. Neither family-unit had seen each other in years, nor had they known of each other's Philly plans. It was a complete 'accident', running into them.

 

Originally, the family had wanted to go inside the Pennsylvania State House (otherwise known as Independence Hall, the BUILDING where the United States was born), but tickets were already gone, so I made the decision to take them to Congress Hall instead, and if I'd chosen to bring them at a different time during the tour, or if I'd chosen a different historic site to explore, the meeting would not have happened.

 

Later in the tour, as I showed my group Franklin Court (where Ben Franklin lived towards the end of his life), they encountered ANOTHER family they knew. This time, it was the family of a former elementary school classmate of one of the members of my tour group. Just like last time, the two families had not seen each other in years, and had no idea they'd decided to visit Philly at the same time.

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SharvariJ

This is one of the few energy reports that seem to apply to me. I did "hit a wall" at the end of last month, and things got so much better afterwards because I decided to take charge of them once and for all. It did feel like I was giving myself permission to use my power, which I had been so scared of for the past three years. I also had a moment of synchronicity when I wrote to my uncle in Ohio on the same day that he was to return home from a long trip to Chicago. He'd mentioned the date in his previous email, and coincidentally, I was writing back to him on the same date. 

 

Then something horrible happened last Friday. A friend of mine from my college days in Mumbai hung himself in a reading room at his university. I've been numb for two days, and it's all hitting me at once now. The only good thing to come out of this is all the calls and messages I've received from friends I hadn't spoken to in years, all the promises we've now made to stay in touch and be there for one another so something like this doesn't happen again. 

 

Strangely enough, though I can't tell up from down at the moment, I no longer feel as I have been these past few years--that I'm being thrown into a chaotic simulation where I don't know who I am, much less what I can do. I'm taking this one day at a time. I'm staying in Flow, which I'm told is good for people with a Goal of Growth to do once in a while. And I'm realising that Flow-ing in the Positive Pole is so, so different than stewing in depression in the Negative Pole. 

 

I think we can all sense that something big is coming. Whether this is the IS or the fall of capitalism or an alien invasion (or all three), I'm choosing to keep up hope that it will change things for the better. Hang in there, TLE people. Soon, it will be time to craft some shit. 

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Moonfeather

well, this nexus can go fuck itself. I was supposed to be in the UK now. I was denied entry yesterday and I am now stuck in Calais with no idea what to do. I had 5 petsits booked that would carry me through August 31. it was lined up so perfectly and now I have to do some serious scrambling with few resources and I want to curl up and cry. I've done that, I've broken down and sobbed in public twice now. Yesterday at the border control and today at the hotel after I walked 2 miles to get here and I couldn't get myself checked in with this auto self check in system. A nice British lady found me on the steps of the hotel, knew I needed help and when she offered it, I broke down. She took my bags and helped me to my room, got me some tea and even offered me her spare bedroom in Leeds. There is no way I'm going to try to get into the UK at this point they said I could come back but I would have to prove I'm not petsitting and have a return ticket out. Oh, and I will definitely get pulled aside when I do try to enter because I have been flagged in the system. It's totally and completely fucked. And all because I was honest about why I was visiting there. 

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Johanne

@Moonfeather if  petsetting means taking care of animal, I don't quite understand why you could not! It is great that you found that nice lady. You will be like a cat and fall on your feet 🙂 , I am sure of that. Let us know how that adventure will turn out ... it is like a suspense ... 

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John Roth

It's work.

 

If you're coming in on a tourist visa, most countries want you to spend money, they don't want you earning anything while you're there. Exactly what it is that you're doing doesn't matter.

 

The US is exactly the same way, as far as I know.

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CurvyWords

I feel like my dark night of the soul is finally breaking, or maybe today is just a brief blip of light in this unending darkness BUT, I'm happy, feeling really evolved and light and like these past rough few weeks of -Otiose are finally giving way into +Purpose. Which would be nice, I'm tired of feeling lost and scared and upset about myself. I woke up this morning and burst into tears because I just felt so incredibly grateful, for my life, and for my various teachers, and my parents and chosen family. And for you guys! So hopefully things are looking up from here! @Leela Corman I'm glad you took a turn for the better this month as well!

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KurtisM

"Many are in a state of inner conflict over how to navigate challenges in life and in the world that force them to behave in ways that are unnatural to them, such as “getting angry,” “drawing a line,” clarifying boundaries and redefining themselves in terms of ethical and compassionate choices and actions.  We think that most of our students will have “that moment” over the next 30 to 90 days if they have not experienced it, yet."

 

Well I had this moment today.

Over something as simple as not wanting to buy a can of whipped cream for a family member. I'd rather not support an industry that harms cows. Especially not when we don't even need dairy to survive, let alone is it remotely good for us.

Whipped Cream may be tasty but is that taste worth the whole devastating range of effects buying it causes? Not for me. I won't support that.

 

I feel misunderstood and even not understood at all, but I'm not letting this moment define me. It's just a reflection that I care and an opportunity to clarify boundaries and communications.

I'm finding I can be more and more emotionally expressive around others I was scared of. It's... freeing.

 

There's another truth I realized lately. That even when I'm happy and joyful, my sadness and anger still exist. And vice versa.

I have a whole range of emotions just sitting under the surface of me. 

So when someone else comments how happy I used to be, I remember that I wasn't just happy. I was dealing with waves of disgust, anger and sadness too, they just weren't relevant to the context of that moment.

When I realize how raging I am, I remember the happy parts of me are there too, as well.

I don't feel as lost and consumed by emotions now.

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