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Miizle

Passive/Aggressive External Monad

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Miizle

What are the characteristics of this monad? How does it come to an end?

I have it, and the only person i can think of i could have it with is my mum...

Can't really find anything on it. Many thanks for any insights.

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Miizle

Ok let me add something here. Some of you would have read my blog posts about my relationship with my mum. I never followed up properly, because every project to me is so daunting (even leisurely writing that i enjoy. I just feel such lack of time and energy, it's like i'm a (rather small and meaningless :P) superhero on a rooftop monitoring the city at night, seeing all these things to do, flashing red lights all around, and the morning is coming in 4 hours and i should attend to all of these things, so i just shift my eys between the emergencies and my watch, plan what to do with each and prepare somewhat, look with my binoculars i mean supervision... and so goes the night...)

(And with every project i get sidetracked, lured away by the sage, not helpful... although offers a quantum of relaxation)
Anyhow, i might as well mention here, that the visit i talked about went quite well. There has even been another one since, which was also ok. I did threaten my parents once to throw them out of the car if they wouldn't shut up when they were being really stupid and my mum was having one of her insanity fits. but other than that it's been tolerable and a small improvement.

It feels like my behaviour is alternating between passive: i don't read the links she sends me or even personal emails if i don't feel like it, and i usually don't react to her stupidity at all. Sometimes there has been months in between skype calls because i just have other priorities. When she does things that are not enourmously harmful but just annoying, like when she tries to start commenting and giving advice on my appearance, or wants to gossip, i just don't react, and if she repeats i just tell her i heard you the first time.
And then i guess quite aggressive, as when i have got angry i really have. The first really big blow out which was straight from the heart happened perhaps 5 years ago or something like that, and 2 years ago was a really big one, too, where i didn't feel so vulnerable, but was more just angry as shit and able to tell her exactly how her behaviour came across, how selfish and harmful her actions were. And the incident in the car, she was behaving really badly in front of my child, completely unaware (or not caring) how it was affecting her, so the line was there for me and simple and "aggressive" action.
 

I have more to say but i will have to continue later

 

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Miizle

(I will make it a but more coherent when i have more time, sorry. Just can;t postpone every single thing, so for once i just pressed Enter)

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Ingun

I would guess it's a process of taking ownership for one's own anger and aggressiveness, and learning how to respond instead of reacting, 

Also learning how passivity, resigning or 'hiding' is just the opposite end of the spectrum, and does not resolve the dynamic.

Learning how to respond to the other persons anger or aggressiveness and finding your balance between passive and aggressive, owning your wholeness.

 

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KurtisM

@Ingun, the way you phrased that reminds me of my relationship with my mom.

We've both been passive and aggressive to each other, rather than responsive. It's an... exhausting monad...

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Ingun

@KurtisM I also think passive/aggressive issues are quite common, coming from patterns of imprinting, while an external monad with this theme might be more in depth and covering a wider spectrum of challenges .

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ihynz

I think it has a lot to do with not being allowed to draw healthy boundaries around oneself and say "no" and be accepted even when saying no. I don't see it as a monad, just unhealthy power and anger issues, you basically have to learn to love yourself and walk away from the toxic relationship. They will try to keep you in their orbit, it's all just a game to narcissists.

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