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Troy

COMMUNITY CHECK-IN: Let's Snap Out Of It Together

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Katie Zamudio Shoup
20 minutes ago, Troy said:

We are processing something. Something big. Something personal and collective at the same time. We are dealing with age, health, life choices, loved ones, money issues, and then we have all of this collective turmoil happening... It just feels like shit. 

 

YASssss. I was just trying to explain to my husband that I feel... "weird" or "off"...like i am in some kind of confusing fog that came up quickly and is lingering. I am currently dealing with the resurgence of a 15 year old trauma so I have been operating from that space for a few weeks and tessellating between the old trauma and my current life...and its been exhausting and icky, like I want to just shake it off. 

 

I know people like to blame collective feelings of shittiness on astrology but I sometimes feel like something more is going on.... 

 

So I feel you, Troy! ❤️ 

Edited by Katie Zamudio Shoup
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Wendy

Beloved @Troy!  Thank you for speaking and naming this shit.  I am kinda sick of having to pull myself up on a near daily basis. 

 

My 88 year old mother survived a cardiac arrest a couple weeks ago...she's like a cat with 9 lives...and I keep thinking that I have these long life genes and the thought of living another 50% of my life freaks me out.    And I'm not even depressed.  In many ways life is better than it's ever been and I know this and appreciate this but I can't quite enjoy it.  Just tired of it all.  Just not wanting to manage all the shit we need to manage on a daily basis as we watch the collapse of our civilization.

 

I too know that we are doing lots of work in our *unseen worlds* and that gives me some strength, and truthfully also makes me tired.

 

Edited by Wendy
Had to make it less depressing
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Mike Cleverly

Yes! Very much so. I feel like I'm constantly waiting to get back to how "on it" I used to feel. I used to be able to focus and gather my resources and tackle things, now it feels like I'm always running in a kind of self protective, limited resources mode. I know its temporary, but this cloud just isn't shifting!

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Crystal

Wow, @Troy, 1) it's not just you and 2) you are on the nose. I've been feeling just so unsettled and full of an inchoate anger and rage and I HATE EVERYONE FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AND ALSO FUCK YOU that is NOT like me at all. (I'm a Spiritualist, not a Cynic! 😉 ) I feel like Hulk bursting out of his skin, or the time I had to take a course of Decadron (steroid-type drug) only it's on the spiritual level.

 

I actually left another online community I had been part of for twelve years, and got me through some hard times - because an influx of what I can only describe as hurting yet rage-filled emotional children coming in and smearing their psychic feces all over the community walls. It was painful to watch, painful to be a part of, and really painful to read that women over 50 ought to be euthanized en masse. Because they are the source of all -isms in the world, don't you know! (and when I reminded this person that they, too, would grow old one day, the replay was "haha no I'm gonna die because the world is going to end FUCK OFF KAREN.")

 

It's easier for me to hold compassion for people like that - who are hurting and raging - at a very, very safe distance. So, I left the community, but the upside is I am still in contact with some friends I made there, whose mutual cats we all admire. And I was thinking on the way home today, what can I do in the real world to help heal these divisions? I mean, so many are hurting, especially since 2016, but these kind of artificial divisions are not normal or natural.

 

I wonder what happened to the good feeling and optimism I had through the last part of October - oh goodie! we're moving away from Self-Destruction! I do know that Mercury just went Retrograde in Scorpio. I'm gonna have to break out my "Mercury is in Retrograde!" Modcloth Tshirt, lol.

 

My wonderful cat Neville just came over to say "Wow" (his meow sound) and send purrs. He always hangs out if I'm in an Ask Michael chat and seems to really love the M's energy.

 

Time, I think, to do a ritual and take some flower and gemstone essence to heal my heart chakra. Much love to all of you! And cattie purrs too! 

 

P.S. I would be very, very happy to have an Ask Michael on the topic. I want to hear what they have to say.

Edited by Crystal
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Luciana Flora

Yes, I am undoubtedly going through a crisis... in my case I think it is entirely individual... and related to my family.... 

 

I don't know, for some reason it seems that I'm not affected by collective things... I always see individual reasons for my crises and my anxieties.

 

Even in that yearthat had nexu buble... I was really looking forward to it... but I had personal reasons... I don't think it was because of nexus...

 

A few days ago I sent a message to my friend Danny (cadence mate). And it took her two days to answer me... I was worried that I had done something wrong... that our friendship was shaken again... but today she answered me, apologized to me and said she was stressed....

 So I told her to let me know when she could talk... but I think I did what Michel once said... I imagined the worst-case scenario... IoI 

r

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Sky Goldy

We don't think of it , but all of us know we belong to a species  that is killing the earth right now with every step we make. You need to be rather delusional not to be desperate .

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michael_k
1 hour ago, Crystal said:

Wow, @Troy, 1) it's not just you and 2) you are on the nose. I've been feeling just so unsettled and full of an inchoate anger and rage and I HATE EVERYONE FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU AND ALSO FUCK YOU that is NOT like me at all. (I'm a Spiritualist, not a Cynic! 😉 ) I feel like Hulk bursting out of his skin, or the time I had to take a course of Decadron (steroid-type drug) only it's on the spiritual level.

 

I actually left another online community I had been part of for twelve years, and got me through some hard times - because an influx of what I can only describe as hurting yet rage-filled emotional children coming in and smearing their psychic feces all over the community walls. It was painful to watch, painful to be a part of, and really painful to read that women over 50 ought to be euthanized en masse. Because they are the source of all -isms in the world, don't you know! (and when I reminded this person that they, too, would grow old one day, the replay was "haha no I'm gonna die because the world is going to end FUCK OFF KAREN.")

 

It's easier for me to hold compassion for people like that - who are hurting and raging - at a very, very safe distance. So, I left the community, but the upside is I am still in contact with some friends I made there, whose mutual cats we all admire. And I was thinking on the way home today, what can I do in the real world to help heal these divisions? I mean, so many are hurting, especially since 2016, but these kind of artificial divisions are not normal or natural.

 

I wonder what happened to the good feeling and optimism I had through the last part of October - oh goodie! we're moving away from Self-Destruction! I do know that Mercury just went Retrograde in Scorpio. I'm gonna have to break out my "Mercury is in Retrograde!" Modcloth Tshirt, lol.

 

My wonderful cat Neville just came over to say "Wow" (his meow sound) and send purrs. He always hangs out if I'm in an Ask Michael chat and seems to really love the M's energy.

 

Time, I think, to do a ritual and take some flower and gemstone essence to heal my heart chakra. Much love to all of you! And cattie purrs too! 

 

P.S. I would be very, very happy to have an Ask Michael on the topic. I want to hear what they have to say.

 

Oh wow Crystal this is relatable to me on SO many levels, especially during the October convergence! I'm a Spiritualist too by the way and I've been feeling exactly the same, with rage I haven't felt in years.

 

I'm almost scared of Reddit these days, so many angry people with hatred of their own existence and the elderly. For a moment it felt like everyone had gone mad and wanted the world to be as depicted in Logan's Run, having a mandatory suicide at age 30 because life sucks and fuck 'the Boomers'. I used to be sympathetic of people who were angry at society and just wanted to end it all because I've had times like that myself, but you can't just go around blaming everyone that came before you, loathing existence so hard that you actually think government mandated suicide booths everywhere would be a good thing and scowling at everyone who dares give birth to a child, it's not realistic and not going to go anywhere good.

 

A lot of people treat hatred of the Baby Boomers as a joke or even warranted for what they've done to society but it is very much a scapegoat for angst and lack of personal responsibility as well. I've seen all three of the younger generations partake in it, Generation Z, Millennials and Generation X - the last one being a surprise as many get accused of being Boomers themselves at this point, with the culprits sounding mostly like disturbed people with old wounds for the most part. There is also shared angst between the three younger generations apparent as well, and I'm wondering at this point if having named and defined generations was a net negative contribution to society by Strauss and Howe, it seems to have caused a lot of negative stereotyping and issues between young and old which have really become exacerbated as of late.

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Paulyboy

My wife and I have been under the weather the last week or so, her more-so than I. I spent the morning cleaning, scanning, shredding old documents (I'm on maybe hour 20 or something of that project, fun!), then took a nap to try and keep myself from getting sicker. Woke up, felt compelled to turn on the computer and come over here and look at whatever was the current topic. Hello topic!

 

There are swaths of my life that I have just cut-off and stuck in a box (literally, like I'll open a box while cleaning and find just 5-6 years of a really intense romantic relationship that ended painfully or reminders of a career that crashed or years put into a project that I abandoned during a bad time of depression, etc.) and I feel like they're coming back like zombies in a horror movie, only instead of "killing" them with a chainsaw or shotgun like a genre film, it's a matter of hugging them and telling them it's OK, and then watching them drift into the soil around my feet and using the fertilizer to make the ground rich for planting. So, in a way I've been more "hugging zombies" instead of "slaying zombies" and trying to defragment myself, so to speak.

 

And now is the part where I say I wrote maybe two pages of stuff and was like, "Eh, ain't no one wants to read all that stuff," but I think it was good for me to write it out for my own processing. Point is, lots of things to deal with and lots of soil to till.

 

Now for some fun stuff! I love love LOVE watching Taliesin and Evitel and following stuff in the World of Warcraft gaming community. https://twitter.com/TaliesinEvitel - The video gaming world has been a particular sh*t-show regarding some political crap, so I love to have their voice on things.

 

I love listening to The Young Turks https://www.youtube.com/user/TheYoungTurks although I use their subscription app instead of youtube. I used to get my political news through just satire shows, like The Late Show, but I need some fire. It makes me feel not alone in my frustration with political horrors.

 

So, yeah!

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KurtisM

That is how I felt last year Troy.

I was realizing a lot of truths I'd avoided or neglected or simply couldn't see, chronically exhausted and debilitated to the point that all I could do was sit in front of a tree and breathe, crying nearly every day from April through August. And then in December I had the weirdest and worst outpour of tears ever that lasted an hour, where I felt like shit, was wailing on the ground and it triggered a bloody nose but I was paralyzed on the floor and so weak so I got drenched in my own blood.

 

Some more of those feelings came up this summer too as I came close to more breakdowns, but I gained a new online support group to help me through that, keeping me afloat.

 

Seriously, the only things that helped me feel better were giving myself the space and time to cry for long periods, and practicing continual conscious breathing and physical and psychic hygeine.

 

I would say that your mention of showing our best side and self even when we're struggling, comes from 2 things:

The first is the double whammo of Self Deprecation and Arrogance that make us overcompensate to look valuable and successful at all costs.

The second is that in a Young Soul Paradigm, which is all about winning, we want to look and talk and feel and live our personal best, so that others we compare ourselves to see us as successful, valuable individuals.

Look at all the business men that go to work with their prim and proper suits. The scientists with their eloquent words and expert statistics. The fashion models that put on stunning shows to look elegant and powerful. The way families clean up their home by moving every ugly object out of sight when others come over. The social media rat race where you must always be social and smiling. The celebrities picked to shreds for not looking gorgeous on a sunday afternoon. The focus on toxic positivity where we try to think positive to make everything work for us and then berate ourselves for not doing it well or hard enough. The high achieving students told by parents that they must always get high grades to get somewhere in life. The forced marriages. The social niceties of the clerk at Walmart or the barista at Starbucks to make the company look good so they get money. Flashy signs in the streets. Advertising everywhere. Perfect pictures of food in restauraunt menus. Constant apologism so you're not seen as rude. The farmers working day and night to provide food for everyone around the world while getting morsels of that yield for themselves and their families. Factory workers doing the same.

 

It all hides a very ugly, rotten underbelly that is within everyone that participates in society.

It is a lie that hard work is going to automatically make you rich, successful, valuable etc. It's not because hard work isn't valuable, it's because there is:

1. No external value exchange system that is universally true, nor fits everyone in society. Because value is subjective.

2. There are systemic issues like privileges, corrupt tactics and generally assumed hierarchies that don't allow certain groups to get what they need or want.

Those who can't or don't work hard and aren't getting their needs met then resort to removing themselves or being removed and shamed from society, from worth and deserving- or they resort to taking and stealing and entitlement.

This is all part of why we have a society based in metrics of Punishment vs Reward. The next step up is a Society based in Creativity and Participation.

 

It's no wonder that everyone is now exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed.

We work hard, because we're told hard work will get us somewhere. If we don't we're seen as lazy, so we either resign or work harder.

We put constant energy into frustration. We try to buy things that socially represent happiness and acceptability. We consume mindlessly, without regard for consequence beyond self.

We break our bodies and shame our bodies through all of this.

On top of all this, we're constantly out to protect whatever we have from literally everyone- distrusting any help, any weakness, any fault, constantly on guard for threats. And we never ever take breaks, even when we get injured, frantic or sick.

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petra

My beloved @Troy, so, when the shoe fits the foot is forgotten.

 

"EASY IS RIGHT. Begin Right and you are easy. Continue easy and you are right. The right way to go easy, and forget that the going is easy".  Chuang Tzu

 

There is not always a reason, wish you come out the other side as you want it, because you said so!

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Nadine

I've had a few talks with @NickG over the last weeks, where we both talked about how everytime we feel optimistic and relieved, we go right back to feeling like shit. It would be infuriating if it wouldn't leave me too depressed to be infuriated. 

 

So, thank you for sharing your struggle, @Troy Sharing this here helps me keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with me, that others are going through the same. You said you feel paralyzed and I was like "Yes!".

 

I've spent the last weekend on my couch, crying a lot, unable to do anything productive, heavily exhausted and depressed. Without any fucking reason. Seriously, my life is not that bad right now and I'm trying to contribute in making things better in any way I can. I called my dad on Sunday. It was the first contact we had in 33 years. It was such an emotional and moving call and I thought the enthusiasm would carry over for some days. But nope. Hung up and went right back to depressed. What the fuck? I'm actually going to see my doctor today to check if there's maybe some sort of vitamin deficiency, but after reading all this I think I'm just plugged in to the general energy. It's yucky and it sucks. 

 

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Stickyflames

Yep! This entire year has felt like being done. More than just depression. Just small bursts of joy that feel silly and almost distracting when compared  with the looming feeling of the year. The year feels like rewriting our entire identity . BUIlding an identity less rooted in creating personal joy and more rooted in caring for a collective self while simultaneously having NO idea where to start. Humouring desires to be a writer or to have delicious romantic relationships feel so trivial right now. DESIRE feels so trivial but life feels worthless without it.  It feels like we are grieving our individual dreams  or trying to justify them when the world is “ending”. I feel angry that I was born at a time where SO much has to be considered and I just want to focus on creativity and sharing the fruits of that and NOT on global warming and corrupt systems and the end of the world.

So yeah, this looming energy feels like the death of our personal dreams of what our lives were to be about.  No generation before had to consider SO much. 

My heart says this is not going to pass either because something truly is collectively dying right now.

Some part of what it means to be human is transforming.

We all talk about an old soul world and nurturing nature and our planet and the collective whole but I don’t think we were quite prepared for the personal sacrifices we would have to make in order to move into that  reality. Even as old souls we are imprinted with so much “ but what about me? What do I get?”. A lot of that “ what about me” is so healthy but a lot of it is really not and I think that part of us that wants to have our blinders on just can no longer live in the world we are moving towards.

I think we are learning how to cultivate Joy and enthusiasm while simultaneously living with our blinders off to the horror show of a reality we are moving towards.

How to nurture our needs and pleasures when you KNOW something just feels OFF about your shared reality.

How to be happy with SO much threat looming over our futures.

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annali

I relate to you @Stickyflames

i also wish I was born at a different time. 

 

It's strange, I had the same feelings of grief about the earth and felt I should be still, kind of like non existent, avoided people and became a hermit during and after last September nexus. It felt very hopeless but that has then shifted to more calmness and hope.

A few years ago I felt like I (as a person) was taken apart. Everything that made me was in little bits like as if a Glas breaks in slow motion and you see all the broken fragments around you standing still. It was a very tough time, very overwhelming and very surreal.

But it allowed me to leave the fragments I didn't like about me behind and create  something new with the parts I 'wanted to keep' and also left room for new parts. It's been 5 years since but I've become more and more myself which at the time it started seemed impossible.

Maybe Earth is going through a similar process. Maybe it has to deconstruct to reconstruct first.

It's not going to be easy but I still feel hope and a lot of come-on-let's-do-it energy that I haven't felt in years! It also feels more communal.

I'm sending this energy out there and hope you can feel it lol not sure if it's possible 🙂

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Rosario

I feel you all....

 

last week I got this terrible flu which numbed me down, and I'm still recovering. I kinda thankful bc I took a week off from my work with the children, also didn't see ANY private client and had time for myself...even I felt the flu "grounded", cleansed and reset me.

 

Yesterday I went back to the children's center again, and it wasn't even a "bad" day...but I got home exhausted, fatigued and cried until I fell asleep.

I'm noticing the difference when I'm plugged into the collective energies and when I'm not...I'm trying to find balance on being and serving in the world and also grounding and nurturing my own self.

 

these months I'm working on implementing the ideas I have to both live the fulfilling live I want, help others in their paths and also help the world in an impactful way...

Michael said my True Gift is Endurance and in these times comes in very handy ❤️ 

 

Healing soul hugs for you, family :') ❤️ 

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LK13

Oh my god,  I have been saying almost the same thing,  feeling this way,  for quite a while now,  venting to those closest to me.  Thank you for voicing that,  and I am really looking forward to the sessions.  💖

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Evelin

I hear you all...

 

I'm a beginner at flygrossing and at yesterday's training even old timers were out of breath and unable to do anything much. As if everyone had felt "Today is not my day". I listened to sad music most of the day and even cried on public transport, which is very much NOT like me.

 

If I could have the vulnerable, loving-and-having-faith-against-all-hope part of me fall asleep for a while -- maybe not a full hundred years of the Sleeping Beauty, but a nice while -- then I could actually rest enough to fully live again. I don't want to turn cynical or into a rationalizing brain circuit, but there are moments when feeling the normal spectrum of human emotions is just too much right now.  

On a global scale I feel "We have to go through this AGAIN?! I thought we already had this lesson." (I don't enjoy the repetitive parts of parenting, either.)

 

Yet I still care, love and hope, and I am doing my part and trying to take care of myself. Heck, I didn't feel like exercising yesterday, but I went anyway, cried on the bus there, had no stamina, but did manage to learn a new movement. So I'm still doing the things of my life, but don't fully enjoy them as the part of me capable of child-like joy needs to cry under the covers for a while.

 

@Paulyboy, same here: I haven't been able to take political news "straight up" for a while, so I mainly follow Trevor Noah who is surely an Oldie and perhaps channeling parts of his Entity... he has such deep, unshakeable heart and common sense and because of his multi-cultural background he has a very good understanding of the common ground that unites us all.

Just heard a soul voice say: take heart and keep your heart in the right place.

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Evelin
15 hours ago, Sky Goldy said:

We don't think of it , but all of us know we belong to a species  that is killing the earth right now with every step we make. You need to be rather delusional not to be desperate .


I think the Earth will survive us, easily. But we are basically killing ourselves and are still quite delusional about that...

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Evelin

(((Troy)))
You are much loved. Take care of yourself first.

One starfish at a time...

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KurtisM

@Stickyflames, and pretty much everyone else.

 

I think what's happening here is that Older Souls (and Younger Souls) are being disillusioned.

We were sold a lie that capitalist consumerism, hard work, political factions, animal agriculture, prosperity inequality, oppression, war etc. are all natural, normal, necessary and unchangeable parts of humanity.

Our response if we didn't like this was to hide from society until it magically changed for us - to turn to spirituality while turning it into just another competition for who is the most advanced and spiritual in comparison to the greedy mindless consumers - to resign into nihilism while ignoring positivity - or to positive think our way through life while ignoring negativity.

 

The thing is, none of these involved participation or action to actually help change our society. Instead we removed ourselves from society, and hoped for the best or worst to come.

Since these blinders of naivety are coming off though, we do have a chance to make more of a difference than before. To be active contributors and shape society anew.

That sounds pretty cool to me.

 

Before hand, what was relentless was constant hard work and being on top of things to be acceptable & get money to survive and buy good things.

Now what's relentless is conscious continual awareness and participation as opposed to resignation or reaction when things dont go right.

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SunSand

Haha, you have no idea how helpful it would be to expand on this topic! Sometimes, no matter how much 'magic' I put into my own life, or how much meaning i create, it gets torn down by this... heavy energy that seems to permeate the rest of humanity. It's inescapable. It makes me feel stuck. It would be good to have insight on how to participate and how to make a difference without succumbing to desperation or compromising on your joy. 

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avi

I can definitely relate in a way. But I think since this is the first time that I haven’t been struggling with severe depression in 5 years, I also feel...light? Like since I’m able to hope and dream for real for the first time in years, it’s like I have that same drowning, weighed down feeling but then I occasionally burst out of the waves with the goofiest smile despite just being “near death“ 😅. I think it may be because a part of me has been begging for relief and even though I happened to finally get said relief during such a heavy time for the collective, I’m desperately holding on to it. Hope feels good. Sending you all love and light 💖

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Susan A Flow

Limbo, limbo, limbo....I keep messing up days of the week.  I keep feeling like i’m waiting for some significant to happen.... instead of doing something significant!

 

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AnnaD

Half of the time I am feeling quite depressed about personal and global things, and then I feel kind of like some of us will cope and will build more sustainable, inclusive, contribution and participation, resource based economy socially just, non speciesist, vegan worlds together. 

 

I am laughing with a lot of joy at the crashing of animal agriculture, especially in New Zealand, and the innovations that precision fermented plant based food will bring to the world, in terms of feeding people without killing animals, in terms of less methane emitted/freeing of up arable land from former animal agriculture land returned to growing crops/horticulture, general moves away from animal agriculture. That brings me a fucktonne of joy. It cannot be abolished quickly enough. I am also despairing that people still kill animals and that they think that eating animals is ok. 

 

Who ever thought that many soul ages sharing a planet was a good thing? When the vast majority is mentally/experientially immature/powerful/creating karma that impacts the lives/wellbeing of the rest of us i.e. to make it clear: animal agriculture and its direct outcome of emitting methane which contributes to global CO2. Among other industries which favour the greed and benefit of the 1% to the detriment of the 99%. I can easily see why we are depressed, how easy it is to become apathetic when some fights just seem too big at the end of a hard day at work or at home, and there are financial, relationship and health worries looming very close with detrimental consequences potentially. 

 

I have been sick with a headcold, and having crappy sleeps. I worry, then have a shitty sleep. I might lose my job because my back injury is preventing me from achieving all of my work contracted duties. My Dad has a terminal diagnosis. Trump is somehow not yet assassinated (where are all the fucking crazy American gun nuts when they are needed? the mind does difficult maths on this issue), still in power, and still making peoples lives unbearable. New Zealand farmers (whose industry is responsible for 50% of CO2 emissions for the nations emission count) are exempt from New Zealands Zero Carbon Act bill. Fuck me. Honestly. The world is a fucking trainwreck and I wish that the good people of the world such as you people here who make TLE a bastion of solace could be as easily identified in the real world as you are here on TLE. 

 

 

 

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tkmppi

In a way I can relate to this, too. The past year has been difficult, although for very simple reasons. What's tiresome is that everything drags on, has to be done over and over, and when it's done, something new turns up.

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