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Is it possible not to know what your Greed fixates on?


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Manshuk

Shepherd channeled me as having Greed as my primary CF, Martyrdom as my secondary (Martyrdom, yes, I do relate to it, and it's a family pattern). No tertiary, I guess. But as soon as I saw Greed I just had a "what?" moment. Reading more about it I found out that it was about the fear of lack or want, and while I do have that fear like sort of everyone else (fear of lacking love, for example, or being selfish by wanting more than my share and not realizing it), it doesn't feel "prominent". I also read that it fixated on one, maybe two things, yet I have also no idea where I could possibly have mine fixating.

 

It's not something like food, or material possessions, although I had sort of a hoarding phase when I was younger. Money perhaps? I don't want to hoard enormous amounts of money, I just want enough to get by, even though I don't like the concept of money itself. I relate more to its counterpart Self-Destruction due to that constant pattern I have of putting myself down since childhood, self-harm in different forms, and having the Damocles sword of suicide constantly over my head to a varying degree, but I may just be sliding as well. It can also be caused by Greed (?).. or we all have bits of each CF in us. Either way, I'm very much puzzled at that Greed that seems to be with me for this lifetime. Maybe it's also not as strong as my secondary. Or, the most likely, I'm monstrously overthinking things. What do you think? 

EDIT: Though that being said, perhaps I have issues telling apart Greed from Self-Ds because I'm an Artisan. I bumped on this while looking, and I very much relate to what I've put in bold as an Artisan, though that doesn't much resolve the Greed/Self-Ds question:
 

Quote

ARTISANS - need to SEE Love - default to Alliance Love
SAGES - need to HEAR Love - default to Comprehensive Love

 

The needs here relate to Self-Destruction and Greed, which are about Having Too Much, and Not Having Enough.

 

It could be said, then, that the Artisan needs permission to WANT Love, while the Sage needs permission to NEED Love.

 

Demonstrating Love for the Artisan is acceptable to the Artisan because once it is in creation, and created for him or her, it is often okay then to Want it.

 

Telling the Sage that you Love her, and telling her often, is important to the Sage because it means that it is okay to Need that Love.

 

Artisans can tend to "take" love if it is not offered, creating manipulative strategies to secure it without looking like she wants it, and the Sage can often come off as "needy" and resort to quiet or demonstrative tantrums in her wish for more direct and honest expressions of Love.

 

Edited by Manshuk
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petra

@Manshuk  Sometimes it helps to get a Profile from another Michael Channel for comparison. I was busy validating my Sepherd's Profile for years, and it just didn't jive.

The whole Validation process is a necessary element though and we learn a lot in doing so! Troy was the one who really nailed for me, after 8 years of an intense process of learning.

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Crystal

Seconding @petra - it’s not “overleaf shopping” to get a second profile, if you feel like the first one doesn’t quite fit you (as opposed to “I want more cooler overleaves!”). I had a channel do my Overleaves back in the 80’s, and it was my Role as channeled (Priest) that did not quite “click” for me. Then I got my Overleaves from Troy, got my correct role (Artisan!) and the rest, as they say, is history. (I’ve not only validated Troy’s channeling for myself but others have remarked on how much more it seems to fit me...)

 

Yes, sometimes Overleaves manifest in unexpected ways but if you feel a nagging sense of “this isn’t quite me” then maybe it’s time to either re-validate or re-evaluate.

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Manshuk

@petra @Crystal

Well, for the most, I'd say Shepherd nailed it. I'm definitely a typical Artisan, hahaha. I can't see myself being another role than that. Typical 4th level old too. I've sometimes considered I was 5th old, but perhaps I'm just moving closer to it.

I'm only unsure about my cadre/entity (I've been channeled as being C4E6 which translates to C2E6 outside Shepherd system, beauty side, and yet Artisans in C2E6 are truth side? -> wild card or a whole different entity/cadre?) and primary CF, which I think may actually be Self-Destruction over Greed. My casting seems ok overall, though I don't push away the possibility of being Scholar-cast instead of Server-cast (but I'm in a Scholar greater cadence, so...). 

Aggression/discrimination/spiritualist are pretty much spot on, same for saturnian/lunar/mercurial body types. High female energy, definitely. Medium frequency seems about right too.

Artisan ET and TC make sense too. Really, most of the chart is ok, but the only things I question are my cadre/entity and primary CF. And what if I have a tertiary?

Perhaps I'll ask Troy for a channeling sometime. I don't really know if it's that important anyway, I'm still the same regardless. 


 

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Becca the Student

All that said, it sounds like your answer may be in the question -- you said you had a hoarding phase when you were younger. What were you hoarding, and why?

 

I'd say for validation, look to see what you are most afraid of, and go from there. Chief Features are our fears, or the Lies we predicate our lives on. If your Chief Feature is Greed, what is it you are afraid of lacking/afraid of not having enough of? This doesn't have to be something physical; it could be "I'm afraid I don't have enough love in my life," or "I'm afraid I don't have enough security." People who's CF is Greed can fixate on things (like money), but those things are often vehicles through which they think they'll be able to ensure what they think they don't have enough of: love, security, friends, worth, social standing/esteem.

 

Start there. If you still don't resonate with Greed, then perhaps it isn't your CF after all. 🙂

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Manshuk
36 minutes ago, Becca the Student said:

All that said, it sounds like your answer may be in the question -- you said you had a hoarding phase when you were younger. What were you hoarding, and why?


@Becca the Student
As a child I hoarded toys, mostly. I didn't ask for much but when I asked for something, I got it, and I was raised as an only child due to my brother being 9 years older and having gone to live with his dad when he was 15 or so, so no real concurrence or need to buy stuff for another kid, and my Christmases were pretty abundant. I can say I was materially lucky. I say materially, because money doesn't replace love, or the sense of actually not being an annoying little shit. 

I tended to hold on to things that were getting old, even broken. I felt sad about giving them away because it meant giving away the memory, and also... probably, it meant that I gave a part of me away, too. As a teen, same, I hoarded mostly my own drawings, my past school notebooks, my old clothes, my old toys from childhood that I wouldn't even take out of the cardboard boxes, and then when I got my card and got into manic episodes I bought many little things like jewelry and makeup that would add up and cause me to be out of money a couple times. It's only when I started my treatment for bipolar that I did that major 180, now I don't hoard anything anymore and I've given away all the stuff that had been sitting in cardboard boxes for years. 

If my CF is indeed Greed, it's definitely a greed for love though (or importance?). I desperately wanted a girlfriend as a teenager, but isn't that the case of many teenagers? It may be tied to this sense of being "less than", or not being listened to or understood (while my parents said I was apparently listened to more than other kids, I always felt like what I said went through one ear and got out through the other, as if it was silly or just unimportant). Greed for love, importance?

If I were to say my biggest fear, it's that I'll never be important in anyone's eyes and that I'm just here for nothing, while simultaneously being delusional that I do in fact have importance and even usefulness in this world, that I'm appreciated, loved for real, not just for my looks or skills, but with warts and all, and that I can actually make a lasting impact that can serve the common good of the ones I consider "my people", and that I exist, as a person, not as a clump attached to someone else (ie, my mother. Family always clumps us together and I hate, hate it. I feel like they don't separate me from her and it just pisses me off so much, because it's like I don't exist as a person, if someone is mad at her they'll stop seeing me too since I'm "clumped"). I'm not sure if this is much greed, but I guess I'll see.

Thanks for helping me dig the question though, Becca. I think that I can't do this entirely alone, because if I reject all exterior input, I'll overthink until I go insane.

Edited by Manshuk
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Becca the Student
48 minutes ago, Manshuk said:

If I were to say my biggest fear, it's that I'll never be important in anyone's eyes and that I'm just here for nothing, while simultaneously being delusional that I do in fact have importance and even usefulness in this world, that I'm appreciated, loved for real, not just for my looks or skills, but with warts and all, and that I can actually make a lasting impact that can serve the common good of the ones I consider "my people", and that I exist, as a person, not as a clump attached to someone else (ie, my mother. Family always clumps us together and I hate, hate it. I feel like they don't separate me from her and it just pisses me off so much, because it's like I don't exist as a person, if someone is mad at her they'll stop seeing me too since I'm "clumped"). I'm not sure if this is much greed, but I guess I'll see.

Thanks for helping me dig the question though, Becca. I think that I can't do this entirely alone, because if I reject all exterior input, I'll overthink until I go insane.

 

I understand overthinking XD I often end up overthinking so much I find myself worried about problems I don't actually have.

 

From an outside perspective, it seems like you were living with a Greed CF, and you probably transformed it during your treatment, so it's no longer an influence on your life. It is possible for us to work through our Chief Features. It's also possible Greed isn't a CF for you, as you suspect.

 

That biggest fear doesn't sound like Greed, I agree. It sounds like it could be either Martyrdom (fear of worthlessness/fear of being a victim) or Self-Deprecation (fear of being inadequate/not good enough). Though I understand you leaning toward Self-Destruction, and that may be your tertiary CF. If your main CF is Martyrdom, then that might be further proof that you've transformed that initial Greed CF. (It's also possible the hoarding from that early life that looked like a Greed CF was actually echoing your parents' CFs. It depends at what age you started noticing a difference in that behavior.)

 

Also, just wanted to say that what you describe as being delusional is actually the part of yourself that knows the greater Truth of you: you do have importance and usefulness in this world, you are appreciated and loved for real, you can make a positive impact, and you are a whole person independent of your family. The fact that you can acknowledge these things alongside your fears of not being these things is wonderful work -- it shows that, whatever your primary Chief Feature is, you're already working to transform it.

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Manshuk
13 hours ago, Becca the Student said:

From an outside perspective, it seems like you were living with a Greed CF, and you probably transformed it during your treatment, so it's no longer an influence on your life. It is possible for us to work through our Chief Features. It's also possible Greed isn't a CF for you, as you suspect.

 

That biggest fear doesn't sound like Greed, I agree. It sounds like it could be either Martyrdom (fear of worthlessness/fear of being a victim) or Self-Deprecation (fear of being inadequate/not good enough). Though I understand you leaning toward Self-Destruction, and that may be your tertiary CF. If your main CF is Martyrdom, then that might be further proof that you've transformed that initial Greed CF. (It's also possible the hoarding from that early life that looked like a Greed CF was actually echoing your parents' CFs. It depends at what age you started noticing a difference in that behavior.)

I think I either slid to Self-Ds or transformed it into something new altogether, or yeah, actually had another CF or Greed in another position. 

Both resonate with me, honestly. Speaking of parents' CF, I'm not sure if any of them has Greed, but there is definitely Martyrdom running through the family. Both my parents have it (two sides of the same coin, to an unhealthy degree, dad always avoids being the "bad guy" and acts as a victim, and mum always says that she's the hated one in the family, that regardless of what she does or not it's always her who is blamed in the end, I've had issues with walking on eggshells as a kid because she'd accuse me of guilt tripping when I just expressed things), my maternal grandma too definitely had it (took care of everyone, yet allowed no one to take care of herself, and overstretched herself for my late uncle). I wonder if families don't often have that running CF thing going. It wouldn't be surprising, considering generational karma is a thing. 

I noticed the difference when I was 19, otherwise. It's really the treatment that changed me from the head down. I was still the same, just without the outer layer of emotional unstability.  

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