On Family - To Jasper

[Christian]

Hey Jasper, 

Seems a bit strange to do this again, but I have this urge to try and provide first hand account of at least one perspective on the beginnings of this mature soul anchoring. Partly, because we don't write letters anymore.  You probably know this, but in the not too distant past from 2022 letter writing was the primary way people kept in contact with each other. Historians used this correspondence to understand better what historical figures were thinking during notable events. 

This began to fall out of fashion over time. The widespread adoption of the telephone made it easy to just talk to the person you wanted to.  Eventually, the internet made it super easy to just drop a 'hi how ya doing'  or send a meme or whatever.  Getting a written letter by snail mail was rare.  There were efforts by some to try and foster that by even handwriting them.  

Course my handwriting...I can't even read half the time and I wrote it. 

 

Mom would always tease me a bit as I had A's in everything a C in handwriting.  She didn't care about it I was doing fine in school. 

 

Mom though is what prompted me to write this today. She transitioned, died, kicked the proverbial bucket, crossed over, croaked, damn...we have a lot of euphemism for talking about death, about a week ago.  You have probably seen the posts. 

Before that, a session was posted where M talked about familial structures in the future.  How kids are raised communally.  How orphans are raised in a single home with "parents" or families that rotate in and out of the home so the children can stay in one place and get an idea of thinking of a broader range of people as family. 

I am sure it has its pitfalls and traps.  Interpersonal dynamics will always have issues, Regardless of century. 

But it seemed to me that such an approach to "family" would be so much better than what we currently have. 

 

Pretty much all of the TLE past selves were raised in some variation of what in this time is called the nuclear family. A mom, dad, and a couple of kids. It is completely intentional that it is called nuclear. The idea was propagandized to specifically the U. S. in the 1950s as being the ideal. It is a bit too convenient that this also coincided with the atomic or nuclear age. A period of time ruled by the idea of impending annihilation through nuclear war. (god I hope those gone by your time) Though the idea is much older.  The roots of it go back to feudalism and before that clans and tribes. Basically, after WW2, the US took this old idea and hammered a generation with it until it was part of the identity of being an "American".  

This got compounded with the idea that family would always stick with you.  

 

I remember being told by my dad that family was all you could ever rely on.  There is a old phrase that gets tossed around saying "blood is thicker than water". Family will always be there for you. etc. etc. etc. 

That may have been true for some. 

 

In my own family, dad abused us.  My Maternal grandfather abused my mom, my aunt, and my sister.  My Paternal grandfather was abusive to his wife and all the kids. I was called an idiot and asshole by an uncle.  I was talked about while sitting in the room, like I wasn't there.  

I never felt "home" around my family. 

I remember having good time with my dad, but they were ALWAYS tempered by watching for when he was going to explode. Mom always thought of me as her baby boy, yet never protected me until I was 18 and about leave home. 

I don't remember ever wanting to be around my parents.  

I remember being taught by them that 'others' don't need to know what happens in home.  So we kept secrets and we NEVER talked about them. 

I remember being about 11 or 12.  I was in the 5th grade and we had moved from Duncan, OK to St. Joseph, MO.  I was depressed.  My mother, being a nurse and trained in such things, knew it. She did nothing to help me. 

Dad did though. Dad decided to have a talk with me.  It was one of the very few times he actually made an effort to try and connect. But, he blew it. He said that I needed to pull myself together because I was embarrassing the family. 

 

I wasn't a person to him. I was an accessory to make him look good. 

 

I spent so much time of my life looking for 'Home'  Looking for "family" and at the same time rejecting or expecting every relationship with potential to be that to fall apart that actively ruined or repeated taught behaviors without realizing what I was doing. 

Not entirely true.  Several times I could see myself doing something and me watching and internally going "WHY are you doing this?". 

There was a period of time with my kids where I honestly could not understand why they wanted to spend time with me. Because, my brain said you should hate me and want to leave. 

Took years of help to repair. 

but it is changing. 

Already at this time we have the concept of 'found family'. Basically, family by choice. There is even a concept called the circle of care out there in the wider sociological professions. Both are recognitions that young soul concept of the nuclear family with father in charge and everyone else subordinate to him does not work. 

That we should be able to chose who we want to care for us. 

See that phrase I mentioned earlier, "blood is thicker that water" is a bastardization.  A more complete version of it is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". 

Covenant.  There is an old term even in my time. 

To rephrase it a bit.  Bonds of choice are stronger than bond of birth.  

This does not exclude choosing to be bound to family members , but it does allow the option to not be. 

That last part is frowned upon in my time.  Literally, China passed a law that stated children have to take care of the aging parents and in some cases grandparents or face prison time. There are some communities even in 2022 US and Canada that will shun you and make it almost impossible to live there if you are perceived of breaking the bonds of birth. 

Cuba recently made headlines world wide because they changed their constitution to where family means whatever you decide it means. So, it is no longer bound to who had sex with who and produced you. The amount of joy that this concept is making progress in the world is a light in a pretty dark place. 

Just the idea of a literal village raising a group of kids, because the people involved WANT to raise kids and the kids being able to choose who their family is.....is just so beautiful.  

It is like seeing the positive pole of something after living so long in the negative. 

I can say. That I chose my wife and I chose my kids.  I have been trying very hard to let them know how I feel. That despite all that came before, perhaps we can choose each other be a change that the world needs to see. 

I will say that can hope that your family, however you define it, is good and mutually supporting as my chosen one is. Perhaps we can all hang a few times. 

anyway, thanks for letting me ramble a bit while I am processing all of this. 

Christian

 

[LMML]

Condolences, Christian. No matter the circumstances there is always a healing grieving process, wishing you well during this time.