20120421 OMW: Equality in Relationships

[Kasia]

OMW - Apr 21, 2012 - Equality in Relationships

 

Channel: Troy Tolley

 

Review of assignment to consider during the OMW:

 

1. Make note of at least one person you truly adore, even if it's not unconditional and even if it's sappy and aching and longing...
2. Make note of at least one person who is annoying beyond all fuck's sake and that you are "forced" to deal with on a regular basis
3. At least one person who is just all around pleasant and has no charge one way or the other
4. Now think of your pet peeve (just one for now) that eclipses the presence of the other person, even if they are great, but if they trigger that pet peeve, it's a challenge
5. Now think of one outstanding quality that, if someone tends to exemplify, you find you are okay with him or her, even if he or she isn't that great of a person

[MEntity]
Hello to each of you. We are here. We will discuss the subject of Relating today, and how this is built upon your Equality.

 

First, we will discuss the nature of Relating, and what it means.

 

Relating is often left only to describe that with which you find compelling commonality, but it also includes that with which you find repelling differences, and that with which you find comforting.

 

When someone says that he "relates to that," it usually means he has found commonality and resonance in a positive way.

 

However, we suggest expanding the understanding of Relating to include that which you find repellent, and that which you find comforting. The latter is not so difficult to include, and may already be included, but we consider it to be fairly ignored in terms of Relating.

 

For instance, one may find comfort in her relationship with a mate, a mother, or even a group, but not really find compelling commonality.

 

Relating through comfort is not often included in the "I can relate to that" use and understanding of the word.

 

So we will then define RELATING as: any interaction of significance

 

The more significant the interaction, the more likely that it is a RELATIONSHIP.

 

You may Relate to a cashier in a store, but you would not necessarily have a Relationship with him or her.

 

If you saw that same person every day, you may find that you do bring your Relating into the realm of Relationship, and that would depend upon the level of significance, which requires higher proportions of the components of time and space.

 

For now, we will focus on Relating, because this would include all Relationships, as well.

 

But we think it is helpful to understand that even the kind exchange with the stranger, or the annoying exchange with the stranger, is Relating, and therefore, is a matter of examining Equality.

 

For now, consider that what we share about Relating will apply to your Relationships, as well.

 

Relating is actually a Triad of Attraction, Repulsion, and Comfort. ALL Relating has all of these facets inherent, which is more evident in Relationships, of course, but ALL Relating has all three, as well.

 

Your Relating, and your Relationships, can be found to sorted into one of these facets as a primary emphasis. Those Relationships that last the longest can tend to be obvious in their containing all three of these, but they will still tend to emphasize one facet over others.

 

Relating tends to quickly fall into one of these as an emphasis, and often never see the other facets.

 

If Relating falls outside of this Triad, then it is Insignificant.

 

The cashier will either be a pleasant experience from the Attraction Facet, or it will be a challenging experience from the Repulsive Facet, or a kind and nurturing experience from the Comforting Facet, or if you barely notice each other, it will be entirely insignificant.

 

If a Relationship is to have any wholeness, it will have all three of these facets fulfilled in a rather cyclical manner.

 

We wish to clarify here that Relating DOES NOT include instances where one imposes upon another. To some degree, the information here can still be helpful, but if one is raped, it will not necessarily be helpful to consider how you are "equal" with your rapist.

 

The older soul may be able to apply this information in those instances, but for those any younger, the discussion of boundaries is still relevant and important. For the older soul, boundaries begin to blur, and even the worst of others is considered a part of the puzzle of the larger Context, and in those cases, this information can be helpful.

 

For the older soul, it tends to be more important to extract value from the experiences of violation than it is to uphold a permanent barrier, boundary, and defense.

 

Either way is valid, and the information here is not to usurp your inclination. This information is offered only as a tool that you may choose to use, or not.

 

We will pause here for a moment to hear from you: Is everyone finding the information, so far, to be valid when considering your interactions? And do any of you have questions about what we have shared, so far?

 

[BA] I think so.

 

[NS] In MFM or MMFM, you were quoted as saying something like "you are most equal to your essence twin" I am paraphrasing...

 

[NS] Was that accurate channeling? If so, what did you mean by this?

 

[MEntity]
Whether we were quoted accurately, or not, this would be true. On an Essence Level, the fragment who is one's Essence Twin is the epitome of the Triad, to its most extreme. One cannot escape the reflection when with an Essence Twin, and while all three Facets would tend to be in obvious effect, there is very little rest in one Facet over another, which can be exhausting and intense for the Personalities.

 

This is not to say that this same kind of intensity and extreme cannot be had with other fragments, but that this is the one that is bound by Agreements and mathematics.

 

[LM] mathematics?

 

[MEntity] If an Essence Twin relationship is to be sustained, it usually ends up requiring various "breaks" in the cycles to help each other reset, digest, and implement what was learned from one another.

 

[NS] By mathematics, I think they mean the position within your respective entities that bind you through resonance...

 

[NS] True in my experience! I am at a "breaking point" right now! lol

 

[MEntity]
LM, NS would be correct. Essence Twins share Casting and the same "Raw Number," which is part of what binds them, as they will be part of what draws the Entities together in the next Planes.

 

We have not heard from everyone, but if there are no other responses, we will continue.

 

[LM] is this also why i have not incarnated at the same time as my ET for a while?

 

[MEntity]
LM, that is often the case. It gives great relief to both when one has a body, and the other does not.

 

We will talk about Equality now.

 

[MW] oh wait - does relating mean in person relating? or online too, etc

 

[MEntity]
MW, our definition should help to answer that question.

 

Any interaction of significance would include a spectrum of media for exchanges, all of which would be physical. Even your online world is a physical connection, a physical exchange, and if there are interactions of significance, then these would be Relating.

 

By "Equality," we mean that both parties are in the interaction for some kind of personal benefit.

 

There is no Relating without personal benefit.

 

That is not to say it is selfish, but that it is simply the nature of Relating.

 

[MG] I find it interesting - when in relationship with someone online -- they will often refer to others in their life as "friends" -- while ignoring the obvious "friendship" that is in place online -- as well!

 

[NS] That makes me think of a certain person here on TLE that seems to discount the friendships and support here...although I get it...

 

[MEntity]
That person may be speaking of Relationships, not Relating. Relationships require the components of mutual Time and Space in some way.

 

For some, enough Time can help to nurture a valid Relationship; for others, enough Space can, even if there is little Time together. And for some, both are necessary in high quantities before they will acknowledge that there is a valid Relationship.

 

However, one's preference for defining a Relationship will have no bearing on whether one is actually in one, or not, and if there is any interaction of any significance, then you are Relating.

 

Returning to the subject of Equality: no Relating happens without personal benefit.

 

That "personal benefit" is described by your Goal.

 

Your worst experiences of Relating, and your worst Relationships; your best experiences of Relating, and your best Relationships; your most comforting of exchanges in Relating, and your most comforting Relationships, are all to help you fulfill your Goal.

 

In your most confused or elated of exchanges of significance, if you were to keep in mind how it plays into your capacity for fulfilling your Goal, a great deal of clarity immediately can come to mind and heart and body.

 

The most irritating of people, and the most charming, and the most comforting, are in some way catering to your aim to fulfill your Goal.

 

And the same would be for your position in that person's life.

 

This is not to suggest that your obnoxiousness or cruelty or harm is justified by your presuming that the other person is "benefitting" from it.

 

We are sharing with you what YOU can do to understand how others benefit you, so that empowerment and comprehension and peace can come to your Relating on a daily basis, as well as come to your Relationships.

 

With this information, you may find that there are solutions that have been right under your nose, so to speak, for how to handle, how to make sense of, and how to make choices regarding your Relating and Relationships.

 

The Triad takes effect in this way: Attraction tends to Stabilize or Support your Goal; Repulsion tends to Accelerate or Expand your Goal; and Comfort tends to Heal your Goal.

 

By "your Goal," we should say "your experiences gained from the aim for that Goal."

 

QUESTION: Do each of you see how your Relating, and Relationships, benefit your Goal?

 

[NS] oh, yes!
 

[LM] yes, definitely
 

[MG] I'm beginning to
 

[BA] I'm chewing on it
 

[LM] my goal is Acceptance. this makes sense
 

[GLB] Yeah, Repulsion tends to turn me into an asshole in reaction -- Attraction puts me into more positive pole

 

[MEntity]
BA, when one is in the Negative Poles, there is a "harder" time of this, regardless of where in the Triad the Relating is.

Before we continue, if there are any personal examples that need to be explored, we can do that now. Each of you may state your Goal, and we will help to describe how this would show up.

 

[MG] Acceptance

 

[NS] So, just to be clear on this...Recently, I have been repulsed by my ET...something he did triggered me. This is supporting me in fulfilling my goal of FLOW/PEACE/FREEDOM...in that it sort of "forces" a consciousness around how I can create FLOW/PEACE/FREEDOM?

 

[GLB] Discrimination

 

[BA] Growth

 

Goals of Acceptance and Discrimination

 

[MEntity]
We will begin with Acceptance, which is probably all-too-familiar with the concept of how Relating and Relationships challenge, support, or heal the experiences gained from the aim for the Goal.

 

Acceptance, in its simplest terms, is the aim for learning how to say "Genuinely say YES."

 

[LM] my goal is acceptance. I have a "friend" which at first I wanted to be accepted by her but she had jealousy issues with me and dissed me. now she wants me to show up for her and I am having second thoughts about even wanting to be around her.

 

[MEntity]
For those in Acceptance, Relating will tend to bring about experiences that ask, "now, how can I say Yes to this?"

 

What those in Acceptance tend to do is say Yes to so many things in the beginning that they lose the actual meaning of the word. This is usually done before gaining consciousness, or "waking up."

 

Eventually the question becomes, "how can I say Yes to this, and mean it?"

 

If you cannot say Yes, and mean it, then you are in Ingratiation.

 

If you expect others to say Yes, regardless of whether they mean it, then you are in Ingratiation.

 

The irony for Acceptance is that one must learn to say No before one can truly say Yes.

 

It is often painful, literally, for Acceptance to say No, but this changes to being comforting when the honesty in saying Yes is seen to be so beneficial to all involved.

 

Every Goal will swing to extremes before centering and stabilizing. Acceptance tends to start at the far YES, and then swing to the far NO, before stabilizing into rightful honesty.

 

In general, the life will tend to be be segregated into compartments for the Attractive, Repulsive, and Comforting areas of Relating and Relationships, though there will be overlap, of course.

 

Where Acceptance finds the most Repellent, the aim is either to learn to say Yes to that which has been difficult to accept, or to say No until you can. Acceptance cannot truly Accept, or move into Agape, when there is no discernment. This is why it is paired with Discrimination.

 

As Acceptance and Discrimination are on the Truth Axis of the Overleaf System, these Goals are an aim toward honesty and integrity.

 

The "truth" is often nuanced, so it is not necessary to be conclusive in your Yes, or your No, but to be clear where you can say Yes, and where you can say No. The key would be in whether it is Truthful.

 

As Acceptance and Discrimination are Expression Axis Goals, this would also require communication in some way. You cannot presume that another will "get you," or that they "should know."

 

More than any other Goals, these two need to EXPRESS, put into form, the truth that is part of their Goal.

 

The more defensive and reactionary, the less one is being honest. When one is honest, there is a peacefulness, even if awkwardness, about the decision to say No or Yes, because it is the truth.

 

For Discrimination, the swing of extremes tend to be reversed so that the life starts with many decisions already having been made for the fragment. Discrimination is the process of refining one's capacity to choose, and this could translate into learning to say with integrity and honesty, NO.

 

Those in Discrimination will often start with a great deal of NO around them, or simply find ways of avoiding saying YES.

 

There is no Sophistication to their process of choosing, but, instead will simply inherit Rejection, find Rejection from others, or Reject all but a very slim sliver of existence.

 

This is the embrace of NO without any integrity or honesty, no Truth.

 

Eventually this swings to the extreme of having to be in situations where one now realizes how often one must say YES in order to truly mean NO.

 

Again, this requires honesty and communication.

 

To simplify and be more specific to Relating: For those in Acceptance, one is learning to bring kindness and acceptance to your communication when saying No, and to rise beyond ingratiation and obligation when saying Yes. For those in Discrimination, one is learning to bring clarity and refinement to one's communication when saying Yes, while rising above rejection and reaction when saying No.

 

Goals of Growth and Re-evaluation

 

For Growth, Relating is all about extracting Meaning. When one forces or imposes that Meaning, it can move into Confusion. When one creates that Meaning, and allows it to change, there is Evolution.

 

For those in Growth, all Relating tends to have "some kind of meaning." Growth tends to swing in its extremes from "what does this mean about me?!" to "wow, that says a lot about you!" to a balance of shared Meaning that is nuanced and inclusive, rather than divided and exclusive.

 

It is paired with Re-evaluation, because Growth often requires a return to simplicity for help and returning to Meaning, or Evolving, through Relating.

 

[Question] What is the difference between "forcing" or imposing meaning and creating it?

 

[MEntity]
Forcing is prejudiced and decided before the Relating has even started. Creating is to use the ingredients available in the Relating.

 

Confusion leaves out many of the ingredients that Relating, or a Relationship, provides. Evolution uses all of the ingredients that are available.

 

In other words, "you mean something to me, you evolve me, only if you do so on my terms," and sometimes, "I mean something to you, I evolve you, only if I do so on your terms." Evolution, however, is "we mean something, we evolve each other, only if we do so on our terms, and those may shift and change."

 

In terms of Relating, Growth then would be learning to Create Meaning when aiming to Evolve, and to Allow Meaning when rising above Confusion.

 

Goal of Flow

 

In terms of Relating, Flow is the process of learning to NAVIGATE.

 

The extremes for Flow tend to be that one will swing to the extremes of letting anyone and everyone else be the navigator, steering the flow of the life. You simply hang on.

 

This is then countered by an extreme swing toward taking complete control of that steering, and anyone who cannot keep up will fall simply fall off, or be left behind.

 

Both these extremes tend toward Inertia, which is either keeping a momentum that never seems to change, or running in place, like running upstream.

 

When it comes to Relating, Flow can often be heard saying such things as "no matter how hard I try..."

 

Inertia comes from presuming that an aim should be clear, tried, and true, mapped out, and clarified. Freedom comes from fluidity, flexibility, and guidance. The map is a guide, not a trajectory.

 

Your Goal is partnered up with all other Goals because it is often necessary to recalibrate, aim differently, navigate various paths, often on multiple levels of the life.

 

True Freedom requires structure. And so it is when it comes to Relating.

 

In simple terms, then, Flow is learning to provide structure when in Freedom, and learning to change course when in Inertia.

 

Freedom is not a free-falling abstract state. It has footing.

 

Without that footing, there is Inertia.

 

And so it is that most who are in Flow will experience Relating as a process of creating or finding that footing.

We described to you the Triad, which is the FUNCTION of Relating, or how Relating functions, but the PROGRESSION of Relating tends to be through the process of REVEAL, AMPLIFICATION, REVELATION, and INTEGRATION.

 

For most instances of Relating that is not a Relationship, one of these four stages would be exemplified.

 

This is because Relating is not simply an external progression, it is an internal progression. You Relate to You.

 

And you do so through others.

 

Depending upon where you are in the progression of Relating to yourself, your Relating may tend to show up in these various stages.

 

[Question] do you mean Personality to Essence and/or Personality to sub-Personalities?

 

[MEntity]
We will keep it simple here as self to self, as a more holistic phrasing, inclusive of all of these variations on "self."

 

The stranger who smiles at you can tend to reflect where you are in your progression with yourself. That stranger's smile can elicit a Reveal, Amplification, Revelation, or Integration. We will define these terms now.

 

• Reveal is the display of commonalities, whether these are differences or common ground.
• Amplification is the honing in on those differences or that common ground.
• Revelation is realization that what was experienced was just what was needed.
• And Integration is the use of that realization, or the ownership of that Revelation.

 

So the stranger's smile can be playing into any one of these stages. For example, you may be having a hard time learning to love your appearance or your body, and depending on how you are Relating to yourself, you may find that smile to be mocking, pitying, or healing.

 

If you are in a mocking relationship with yourself, then you will find that the smile Reveals to you that others feel the same way. You may find that it Amplifies what you already fear. You may find that it to be a Revelation in that someone has actually honed in on your vulnerability. You may find that it confirms what you thought was true all along and you Integrate that.

 

If you are in a loving relationship with yourself, or attempting to, then the smile can mean Reveal to you that others are offering kindness and nurturing, too. Or it can serve to Amplify and propel what you are already trying to do for yourself. Or it can surprise you that this smile is just what you needed that day. Or it bring Integration of the truth that you can be appreciated just as you are.

 

Because of time constraints we realize we are not going to be able to give elaborate examples, but these are a start. The point being that where you are with yourself often determines where others are brought in to serve that.

 

In terms of Relationships, this is much more obvious.

 

Common Ground is Revealed, then Amplified, and then the Revelation that you have learned something from it, and then the Integration of what was learned.

 

Keep in mind that Common Ground includes differences, even vast differences that cause conflict. That is your common ground.

 

In those terms, you are Equals. You are willing participants in an attempt to learn, to fulfill your Goals.

 

Knowing this, you can ask yourself, "how can my Relating, or "how can my aim to fulfill my Goal help better my Relating, or Relationship?"

 

Keep in mind that your Relationships, the longer they are around you in time, and the closer they are to you in space, will cycle through the functioning of the Attraction, Repulsion, and Comfort Triad, and progress through the Reveal, Amplification, Revelation, and Integration.

 

These overlap and change over time so that, for instance, if a Relationship started from Attraction/Reveal, it will tend toward Repulsion/Amplification, then Comfort/Revelation, and then Attraction/Integration, the back to Repulsion/Reveal, etc.

 

None of these must be dramatic or theatrical, but are often quite subtle and enlightening, depending upon where one is with himself or herself in his own Relating.

 

So to summarize: You are Relating to anyone when there is any interaction of significance. Relating is a Triad that either aims at one part of the Triad, or cycles through it over time and space. You only Relate to Equals, as they are serving your Goal, and you, in some way. You Relate as a means to fulfill your Goal.

 

Relating turns into Relationship the more time and space is included.

 

Relationships move through a progression of Reveal, Amplification, Revelation, and Integration, and are perpetuated by the function of the Triad.

 

We realize this is a lot of technical mapping, and if you choose to use this, it is helpful, but if you choose to reduce this to the simplest terms, then you can do so and still benefit from the responsibility that your part in Relating entails.

 

Good day to each of you. We will conclude here.

[Uma]

@Wendy Rosner  @Janet HumphreyThis has great info on Flow!

[Uma]

On 5/29/2016 at 11:42 PM, Kasia said:

[MEntity] Keep in mind that Common Ground includes differences, even vast differences that cause conflict. That is your common ground.

 

[MEntity] In those terms, you are Equals. You are willing participants in an attempt to learn, to fulfill your Goals.

 

One way to look at the nazi crap that is filling the streets

[PPLD]

On 30/05/2016 at 5:42 AM, Kasia said:

ONE) make note of at least one person you truly adore

 

I don't adore... How do you ADORE people???

 

Agreed @Uma, info on Flow is really good. Bastard of a Goal... ?

[Luciana Flora]

On 30/05/2016 at 0:42 AM, Kasia said:

MEntity] Keep in mind that Common Ground includes differences, even vast differences that cause conflict. That is your common ground.

 

[MEntity] In those terms, you are Equals. You are willing participants in an attempt to learn, to fulfill your Goals.

I think I skipped that part while reading the text yesterday. Now I understand what Michael means by equality in relationships. Is that this concept is a little different from what I saw as equality.

For equality one contributes with the other. And this included satisfaction of two parts.

Because if one part is unsatisfied the whole relationship is compromised and in my view the relationship is no longer beneficial.

[Luciana Flora]

On 30/05/2016 at 0:42 AM, Kasia said:

MEntity] Keep in mind that your Relationships, the longer they are around you in time, and the closer they are to you in space, will cycle through the functioning of the Attraction, Repulsion, and Comfort Triad, and progress through the Reveal, Amplification, Revelation, and Integration.

 

[MEntity] These overlap and change over time so that, for instance, if a Relationship started from Attraction/Reveal, it will tend toward Repulsion/Amplification, then Comfort/Revelation, and then Attraction/Integration, the back to Repulsion/Reveal, etc.

 

[MEntity] These overlap and change over time so that, for instance, if a Relationship started from Attraction/Reveal, it will tend toward Repulsion/Amplification, then Comfort/Revelation, and then Attraction/Integration, the back to Repulsion/Reveal, etc.

 

[MEntity] None of these must be dramatic or theatrical, but are often quite subtle and enlightening, depending upon where one is with himself or herself in his own Relating.

I'm curious how this could be non-dramatic.

I've had few relationships that would fit into that. And I found those relationships quite dramatic. So much so that from time to time I usually wonder what it's really worth to relate to.

[Uma]

7 hours ago, PPLD said:

don't adore... How do you ADORE people???

Don't you ADORE Troy? To me, adore means 'crazy about'. 

[Uma]

6 minutes ago, Luciana Flora said:

think I skipped that part while reading the text yesterday.

 

this happens to me all the time, which is why i go back and re-read some of these really dense and wonderful sessions that @Maureen has posted. There is so much in them that i miss stuff the first or second time around. There's so much to absorb, it takes more than one go-around, for me anyway.

 

And then there's the contemplation. Sometimes something sticks in my mind and will not go away until I have comprehended, or at least begun to understand. So anything I read after that is kind of 'lost' on me at the time. It's like an all you can eat buffet. Sometimes I get filled with just one item, sometimes I go back and stuff myself with more and more goodies and then get a stomach ache.

[PPLD]

14 minutes ago, Uma said:

Don't you ADORE Troy? To me, adore means 'crazy about'. 

 

Don't really go crazy about people but I definitely adore Troy!

Nice :)

Thank you my dear!

[Uma]

Funny @PPLD. These days I have no desire to worship but am totally into adoring ?

I spent all those years in the ashram in devotional practices, and these days I have no interest in that activity. It's something I have noticed about myself, particularly when I look at my dusty altar. I used to spend hours cleaning and decorating it, totally absorbed in devotion to my Guru, and enjoyed it fully. These days, not even a glance. Today happens to be the anniversary of the day he received his awakening from his Guru, the same year as Indian independence, so I am reminded of how I used to relate to him and now things have radically changed. 

[PPLD]

3 hours ago, Uma said:

I spent all those years in the ashram in devotional practices

 

They would throw me out after a day tops... ?

[Uma]

4 hours ago, PPLD said:

They would throw me out after a day tops... 

 

me too, now.

[KurtisM]

It would be really nice to come back to this topic and explore how the Goals of Re-Evaluation, Submission and Dominance experience relating.

 

Perhaps Re-Evaluation experiences relationships in terms of how much/well it supports its needs- as it values simplicity and lets the rest fall away to focus on those bonds that most matter?

Submission loves putting energy into causes, so perhaps the same applies to how much energy it gives to and receives from people & how effective the relating is?

Dominance learns how to take charge of, exemplify and succeed in its pursuits, so perhaps relating is similarly experienced as something to own, or at least the path the relating is taking is seen as something to own and shape towards better directions for both?