20111022 OMW: What is WRONG with me?

[Kasia]

OMW - Oct 22, 2011 - What is WRONG with me?

 

MEntity channeled by Troy Tolley

 

CocteauBoy SAYS: because today is a small class, do your best to really focus. We are going to experiment with a highly-interactive session today, so you'll have to answer questions, etc. At least, that's what I'm going to ask Michael to try out today.

 

9:32 AM 10/22/2011

 

[MEntity]
Hello to each of you. We are here.

 

We understand the subject to be that of the sort that asks "what is wrong with me?"

 

This kind of question is asked in one of two ways: inquisitively and rhetorically.

 

When it is asked inquisitively, insight can be gained, and the concept of "wrong" is held clearly as meaning only that comparison between one state and a presumably improved state.

 

It is a form of self-awareness to ask this question, even if the wording is a bit crude.

 

When it is asked rhetorically, it is only asked as a means to condemn the self, to undermine it, and is not interested in any actual answer.

 

It is a form of self-delusion to ask this question in such a way, giving rise to voices that are not your own, but claiming them as if they are your own.

 

So we will ask each of you, first: Do you ask "what is wrong with me?" as a form of self-awareness or as a form of condemnation? This question is not a test; it is a direct question toward your capacity for honesty in this.

 

[Brian_W] usually condemnation

 

[Martha] usually self-awareness

 

[ML] well...both. More the former than the latter

 

[GeraldineB] I rarely ask the question any more

 

[Brian_W] looks like we got all four possible answers

 

[MEntity]
Owning the difference between inquisitive and rhetorical can help you greatly when the question is asked. When it is inquisitive, you will not mistake it as an insult, but as a friendly jab, if you will, toward a direction of improvement to your liking. When it is rhetorical, you will not mistake it as an honest question, but as a voice of condemnation that is not your own, and you may then provide yourself with the comfort you need in that moment.

 

When you ask the question inquisitively, you inherently know what to do, for the most part: you simply learn from your experiences and continue with experiments.

 

When you ask the question rhetorically, you are so confused about what to do, that you you miss the need and craving beneath the words. For most, the rhetorical question of "what is wrong with me?" means: "Fill_in_the_blank was right about me."

 

This could be a vague "they" or a specific person, such as a caretaker or group of peers.

 

But it is almost always a resignation into someone else's decision that you are not worth their time, not worth their energy, that you are not enough, that you think you are too much, that you are not worth living for, that you want too much, that you do not have enough, that you did not change enough, etc.

 

He, She, They were right.

 

Are right.

 

And I am wrong.

 

Of course, this is often tied directly to your own Chief Negative Features.

 

In almost all cases, it is tied to the Secondary Chief Negative Feature.

 

[Martha] so would this be worse for someone with Self dep as their secondary?

 

[MEntity]
Martha, we cannot compare the effects of this rhetorical questioning. It is hurtful to all of you.

 

Based on those attending today, we can say that your rhetorical "What is wrong with me" are stating: They were right - I am not good enough (self-deprecation). They were right - I am too much (arrogance). They were right - I am not worth their time (impatience).

 

If we have your secondary Chief Features incorrect, please correct us.

 

[ML] oh, you were right on, in my case

 

[Martha] looks right

 

[ML] and, what about the 'default' CF, based on our roles....does that play a part?

 

[Brian_W] lately I can see mine sliding to self-destruction, but yes, self-dep is definitely at play here

 

[MEntity]
Brian - we do not see Self-destruction at play here, but you know yourself better than we do. We would suggest, however, that destroying or ignoring all forms of inspiration and crippling of your emotional body are at the heart of your "they were right."

 

Self-destruction tends to destroy the capacity for Expression and cripples the Intellect, which we would agree is partially at play here, but at the "heart" of your "they were right" is more along the lines of "life sucks," or "I suck," or "they suck." It is an Inspirational issue.

 

Life is not good enough for you.

 

You are not getting out of life what you presumed was promised or earned.

 

You uphold yourself, others, and life to standards that teeter with an "all or nothing" differentiation.

 

And to that extent, we see your "What is wrong with me?" as being rooted in your Inspirational issues.

 

Everything goes back to your "being good enough."

 

Everything goes back to others "being good enough."

 

Everything goes back to everything either being good enough, or not.

 

And keep in mind that your Chief Negative Features are not just imposed upon yourself, but upon the world and others, as well, so that it is not just you that is not good enough, but others and experiences.

 

[GeraldineB] As a comment, I've noticed that Troy also uses the question in rhetorical fashion in terms of grappling with his crises and scheduling

 

[MEntity]
To Geraldine - we would agree.

 

We know of very few Older souls who do not use the question rhetorically.

 

When the question is asked rhetorically, it is the Baby or Young Soul within you that is asking.

 

It is the immature part of you and even of your Essence. If there were no immature parts of Essence, there would be no necessity for evolution and reincarnation. Essence is not without its own deficits in understanding, or its issues, though they are defined and processed rather differently.

 

We do not use the term "immature" as an insulting term, but as a legitimate term to describe the necessity for experience as a means to gain confidence around a particular thing.

 

Regardless of one's technical Soul Age, all previous Soul Ages exist within, and they exist as a full spectrum, so the question comes from the more restricted end of Baby or Young perspectives, in most cases.

 

The Mature and Old parts of you know that "wrong" is a useless term.

 

Because the Physical Plane presence and Body tend to be the focus when "what is wrong with me" comes into play, it immediately draws from the perspectives most-associated with that focus, which are the Baby and Young cycles.

 

[Martha] that's sure the focus for me when it comes up

 

[MEntity]
So whether this question comes from that Baby and Young part of your Essence, or from the Chief Negative Features of your current Personality, it is a two-fold matter:

 

One - that it is a lack of experience, or an ignoring of experiences.

 

Two - a craving for comfort; to be reminded or assured that everything will be ok.

 

[Brian_W] YES

 

[MariLynn] ditto

 

[MEntity] So we will ask now: When you ask "what is wrong with me" rhetorically, do you find it valid that it tends to focus on the Physical Plane and your direct participation in it?

 

[Brian_W] Michael, physical as opposed to emotional, or Physical Plane as in everything it encompasses?

 

[MEntity] Brian - no Plane can be entirely isolated, but we do mean the Physical Plane in particular, and your sense of presence and participation in it. The tangible aspects of you.

 

[Brian_W] hmm, hard to answer, as while yes, the lack of participation and invitation to participate seems to be an issue, I think it is more that I am having a difficult time extracting the positive emotional and intellectual experiences of the exchanges

 

[GeraldineB] I know that when I did ask this, it was due to a feeling of inadequacy and failure, not being "good enough" in myriad ways

 

[MEntity]
In your case, Geraldine, we think that your Self-deprecation was an immediate source of false "comfort" to avoid the actual impact of Arrogance, or the "they were right - I am too much" at the core of the rhetorical question.

 

Self-deprecation is where you recoiled into, but the question was prompted by your "being too much," or "thinking you were more than you are."

 

[MariLynn] absolutely

 

[Martha] yes, mostly about body image for me

 

[MariLynn] for me, esp. with re: to older souled group interactions, its: aren't I evolved enuf or communicating effectively

 

[MariLynn] ahh....I can relate a lot to that as well

 

[MEntity] For those with Primary and Secondary Chief Features on the same Axis, it may be difficult for you to differentiate between what is at the core of "what is wrong with me," and how you self-soothed in reaction to the question.

 

[Brian_W] like right now, I have been arguing with myself of whether or not to ask for help, if I could even accept or recognize the help, for someone to help me recognize and show me what love is. But I know that those types of questions are socially unacceptable to ask

 

[MariLynn] for me, it feels also like a 'core' issue: am I really wanted here?

 

[Brian_W] MariLynn, I get that too

 

[MEntity] In your case, Mari Lynn, we see that your questions are rooted in issues of TIME. When one does not have time for you, or make time for you, or allow you the time for you to fulfill an intent, your question of "what is wrong with me" arises.

 

[MariLynn] [tears] yes

 

[MEntity]
Though the specifics can be helpful, we will also describe the core issues in larger terms:

 

For Self-deprecation and Arrogance, the core of the rhetorical question of "what is wrong with me" is about controlling or correcting the perception others have of you (how they feel about you), or how you are loved.

 

In truth, your usefulness is in question in your own eyes.

 

[MariLynn] oh, I can really relate to that one!

 

[MEntity] For Self-destruction and Greed, the core of "what is wrong with me" is about controlling or correcting how others interpret your behaviors, mannerisms, and personal expression (what they think of you), or how honest, sincere, and truthful you are.

 

[Martha] oh yeah

 

[MEntity]
In truth, your worth or value is in question in your own eyes.

 

For Impatience and Martyrdom, the core of "what is wrong with me" is about controlling or correcting how others experience your actions, choices, and decisions, or how successful, productive, and accomplished you might be.

 

[MariLynn] yes, esp. living with a parent that has a HIGH level of impatience

 

[MEntity]
In truth, it is about what you feel you have to show for your use of time and energy.

 

For Stubbornness, the core can be any of the above, but always in terms that might go back to where/how you are NOW in comparison to where/how you WERE then. In truth, it is about how much you feel you have evolved or changed as a result of your experiences.

 

[MariLynn] omg, yes

 

[MEntity]
We understand that, regardless of your Secondary Chief Negative Feature, all of these may seem familiar, and that is because your Chief Negative Features are HABITS, not fixtures. When one goes into a spin of "what is wrong with me," it can explore and ignite every Chief Feature.

 

However, understanding what is actually at the core for you can help you to know where to start.

 

[MariLynn] I was wondering how much our attitude plays into this issue...

 

[Martha] I think I've made a lot of progress, but it seems like there are always more layers to the onion

 

[GeraldineB] I can personally attest that it does get easier, that personal acceptance of self becomes much stronger as one finishes the 4th and then the 5th IM -- acceptance that one's choices are no longer huge chunks out of one's self esteem

 

[MEntity] For instance, to go back to Geraldine, the inadequacy and failure seemed to indicate a core related to Self-deprecation, but we pointed out that the core may more likely be Arrogance. If she can validate this, and it is accurate, then it would mean that her core "what is wrong with me" comes up as a result of being put in her place, dismissed or rejected as thinking she is better, smarter, wiser, etc than she has a right to feel about herself.

 

[GeraldineB] I'd agree with that assessment -- but some of the intensity of my CF has diminished, too -- trying to recapture the past isn't always easy as it no longer means much

 

[MEntity] We think you still experience those moments in which you are reactionary to the feeling of being dismissed or judged as overstepping your rights, boundaries, or "being too much," but you process it much more quickly and right yourself again. Pun intended.

 

[GeraldineB] yes, tis true

 

[GeraldineB] it's not "gone" -- just easier

 

[Brian_W] I think part of my issue is my reliance on others for help, as I don't know how to help myself anymore. I can't even pinpoint where the hurt comes from, I just feel the hurt at this point

 

[MEntity]
In response to Brian -

 

You are disappointed. It is that simple. Your inspiration has been lost. When your inspiration is intact, nothing has to be perfect or even on track with expectations, and your enthusiasm is high. What "hurts" is that block on inspiration.

 

In terms of the immature aspects of asking "what is wrong with me," you are simply angry that you are not getting what you want when you want it and how you expected to get it. You experience this as meaning something is wrong, and not just with yourself, but with the world.

 

When, in fact, it is simply a matter of navigation, calibration, and adapting to the terrain of life. There are very few lifetimes that have no detours, obstacles, and disappointments from start to finish.

 

[Brian_W] .... ouch, but fundamentally true, whether I care to admit it to myself or not

 

[MEntity]

To compare life to a game is not to diminish it, but to understand the elements of it, so we will do so here: There are few games designed to immediately let you win. It would mean nothing to win that game. It would be empty and useless.

 

And so it is with any lifetime. Your obstacles and challenges can either be seen as condemning elements and taken personally as if they define you, or you simply navigate them, and nurture your inspiration to try something new, different, creative, loving, and aimed with continued intent.

 

We can say this to you and it is true: You are going to be ok. You are ok. You will be ok. We can say that without it being an empty comfort. At least one version of "you" will fulfill all that you intended, and it might as well be "you." Put one choice in front of the next, just as you would get back up and put one foot in front of the other as a means to move forward. You will get there.

 

YOU can say these same things to yourself, and they would not be empty comforts. They would be far more meaningful and true than "life sucks."

 

We will speak to each of you on this matter:

 

Mari Lynn - we can say that you do not have to prove yourself, or justify yourself. You do not have to earn love, and you would do well to remember that others do not have to prove themselves or their love for you. It is your right to BE, no matter how much time or energy it uses or takes.

 

It will be true that you are loved and accepted, regardless of whether you decide you are worth it, or think that others should prove that you are worth their time and energy.

 

Keep in mind that when time and energy/space is involved in terms of acceptance and love, it is often not a condensed moment that can prove or justify your want to be accepted and loved, but an accumulation of moments across time and space that becomes your responsibility to note, remember, and collect as being just as powerful as any singular moment.

 

[MariLynn] another words, how I "talk" to myself?

 

[MEntity]
For Martha, we can say you can pretend to be as ugly and as inadequate as you enjoy yourself to be, but it would be a lie. Just because you do not, or cannot, generate powers based on superficial aspects of yourself has nothing to do with how beautiful you are, and how competent you are as a woman, mother, and mate.

 

Using standards that are not your own is an insult to everything you have worked to become over your incarnations.

 

You wanted a beauty that is timeless, not something that can be tucked into a magazine archive to be laughed at in another time and culture and society with new standards.

 

And you have cultivated that beauty. It is yours. It is your right to be in the skin that is yours, not to condemn it for deviating from your immature values that are sometimes convinced to be the highest.

 

We can say to you without it being an empty comfort that you are beautiful, and that you are as beautiful and as attractive to others to the extent that you accept that you are beautiful and competent as a woman, mother, and mate. Anything that undermines that truth is just meanness.

 

And you are not a mean person.

 

To Geraldine - you have never been too much. You have always been just enough, even when the gifts of insight, judgment, feedback, voice were not appreciated or embraced. And they were gifts. And we know you know the difference between those innocent moments that were intended as gifts, and those that were not.

 

But even in those moments that were not intended as gifts, they were still gifts. Your voice is yours. It is your right. It always was, and will continue to be so, even if others have intentionally or unintentionally silenced you. It has meaning, power, and impact, and while you may have had to learn how to wield such a force with grace, it was always and remains to be laced with gifts, even on your worst days.

 

We can say to you without it being an empty comfort that you are important and meaningful. You are not forgotten. Every person within your discriminating circle of communication is permanently affected.

 

[Martha] Yes we are!

 

[GeraldineB] now, I remember some of those times when I've used rhetoric and wanted to pull away :)

 

[MEntity] We offer these valid statements to each of you because you need to hear them. You do not even know that you want to hear them, but you know you need to hear them.

 

[Martha] Oh yes

 

[Brian_W] true

 

[MEntity]
We also offer these statements because it is often the case that when you are stuck in the concept of "what is wrong with me," you no longer hear yourself, even if you were to say these same statements of truth to yourself.

 

But one additional truth is that we did not simply draw up these statements based on our interpretation of you; we pulled these from you. These truths are what exist below the "wrongness" and hurt and meanness.

 

They are your truths. Your feelings. They are what you know is more valid about you than what you think is wrong with you.

 

[Martha] pulled from us the Personality, or Essence?

 

[MEntity]
When such statements are known within, there is no differentiation, but technically speaking, it would be that your Personality had to know this before Essence could be in on that knowing.

 

We will not always be there to remind you of these statements and knowing, so it is your responsibility to remember these truths. To remember those truths does not mean giving up the frustrations, loneliness, sadness, fear, etc, but that at least you have invited yourself back to YOU, back to the truth, and then you have a choice. What hurts, and what is mean, and what feels "wrong" is when you take your choices away.

 

That goes for Brian, too. You wonder where the hurting is, and why it is, etc, and this is at the core: you have taken your own choices away. You presume you are done for. You presume your disappointments are the conclusion, the truth. And they are not. They are just an experience. You have a right to continue, to draw on your creativity, and to be your own inspiration, to see and accept every shimmer of inspiration that might blink at you or within you.

 

Add it up. There is more to you than this.

 

[Brian_W] So I really do have to find it from within, I'm not going to find someone that can physically be there to provide comfort and confidence to give me a "boost"

 

[MEntity]
To Brian - we did not say that, nor did we imply that, but we do point out that this is another of your "all or nothing" scenarios that generate your hurting.

 

You are allowed to enjoy the comfort and confidence of others as a means for gaining a boost. It is all around you. It is in this chat. It is in your community with "TLE." However, if you condemn or ignore even those remote forms of comforting and confidence, then you condemn them all, and this can affect your personal space so that no one wants to risk that condemnation for not living up to your expectations.

 

The key here is not in finding the comfort and confidence, either without or within, but ALLOWING it. LET IT BE YOURS.

 

If you truly wish to be inspired, let it not be more meaningful if coming from within or without. Let it come from everywhere and everyone. Let it. Allow it. Do not look for it. Just let it. It is there. You are exhausted from keeping it away from yourself.

 

[GeraldineB] Do you have a statement for Troy?

 

[MEntity]
For Troy: We will only briefly state that your life does not have to continue being a series of terrifying reprimanding. You continue to fear punishment, rejection, and failing expectations, so you aim as high as possible and then you hide internally and externally when you fall short. You have a right to do as well as you do. You do not have to exceed that. You do not have to protect others from you, either. You are a positive force, despite what you were convinced of as a child.

 

You are enough. You do not have to be more than that. Do what you do well and let it be enough, because it is plenty.

 

We have more to say than that, of course, but it is enough for now.

 

We must conclude here today. We have pointed how each of you might identify the core of your "wrongness" and that it is not your own voice. We have pointed out the truth of the voice beneath that, and reminded you to own that, if only for the fact that it increases your capacity to choose. And we pointed out that your hurting, meanness, and feeling of being "wrong" is an indication that you have taken your rights away, and take your choices away.

 

We think you can make a difference with even this little bit of information. The rest is up to you.

 

Good day to each of you. Goodbye.

[Dinnerplate]

Sniff.....so....beautiful

[Uma]

What a great Workshop! This kind of feedback from Michael is invaluable. It's like 10 years of therapy in one session. I wonder if I could frame my time with Michael in this context and have a mini-workshop instead of question/answer. It might prove very fruitful as a means of self discovery and healing. 

[Luciana Flora]

This session was really incredible. When I read I really thought it was a pity I was not there ..

[DianeHB]

@Uma You could get a statement for yourself without the workshop part. See my session here: 

 

[Wendy]

This post is making me cry.  I can't even finish it now.

 

[Rosario]

I agree @Uma ! Thanks everyone. 

 

We can say this to you and it is true: You are going to be ok. You are ok. You will be ok. We can say that without it being an empty comfort. At least one version of "you" will fulfill all that you intended, and it might as well be "you." Put one choice in front of the next, just as you would get back up and put one foot in front of the other as a means to move forward. You will get there.  ?

 

 

 

[Yin-da]

I'm struggling, as always, with that I'm not enough or not good enough, but also with that I'm not worth others time or energy...

so I've been re-reading this session and picked out two quotes for now. But there's so much more in this session.

 

[MEntity] But it is almost always a resignation into someone else's decision that you are not worth their time, not worth their energy, that you are not enough, that you think you are too much, that you are not worth living for, that you want too much, that you do not have enough, that you did not change enough, etc.

 

[MEntity] Based on those attending today, we can say that your rhetorical "What is wrong with me" are stating: They were right - I am not good enough (self-deprecation). They were right - I am too much (arrogance). They were right - I am not worth their time (impatience).

[Luciana Flora]

2 minutes ago, Ingun said:

I'm struggling, as always, with that I'm not enough or not good enough, but also with that I'm not worth others time or energy...

so I've been re-reading this session and picked out two quotes for now. But there's so much more in this session.

 

[MEntity] But it is almost always a resignation into someone else's decision that you are not worth their time, not worth their energy, that you are not enough, that you think you are too much, that you are not worth living for, that you want too much, that you do not have enough, that you did not change enough, etc.

 

[MEntity] Based on those attending today, we can say that your rhetorical "What is wrong with me" are stating: They were right - I am not good enough (self-deprecation). They were right - I am too much (arrogance). They were right - I am not worth their time (impatience).

@Ingun  

I have impatience as a tertiary CF. And I do not know exactly how it works in this case. But many times I also think that it is not worth the time or energy of other people.

I see impatience (even though the self-depreciation is stronger) in me so much that I was not surprised when Michael said that my tertiary  was impatience. It is interesting that what I did not surprise in profile was precisely my CF.

I see impatience in me when I think I should be better off because of my age. Because of my discomfort at having just gotten a job that would allow me to leave my parents' house at age 31.

When I was, for example, 25 years old, I thought it was absurd to be at my parents' house at that age.

 And I tend to get worried when it takes me to get things done because I think people are going to start asking me why I still can not. Or they'll start questioning if I really want to. Which may lead them to think they are wasting time with me. Actually, I think it's happened a few times.

[Yin-da]

1 hour ago, Luciana Flora said:

@Ingun  

I have impatience as a tertiary CF. And I do not know exactly how it works in this case. But many times I also think that it is not worth the time or energy of other people.

I see impatience (even though the self-depreciation is stronger) in me so much that I was not surprised when Michael said that my tertiary  was impatience. It is interesting that what I did not surprise in profile was precisely my CF.

I see impatience in me when I think I should be better off because of my age. Because of my discomfort at having just gotten a job that would allow me to leave my parents' house at age 31.

When I was, for example, 25 years old, I thought it was absurd to be at my parents' house at that age.

 And I tend to get worried when it takes me to get things done because I think people are going to start asking me why I still can not. Or they'll start questioning if I really want to. Which may lead them to think they are wasting time with me. Actually, I think it's happened a few times.

 

And maybe you had some high expectations of yourself.... or tried to live up to other peoples standards or expectations of how it should be.

 

Luciana, it is not a failure to live at ones parents house at that age, even not at older age either, even though there is shame associated to this in these times we live in. We can be happy for not having to take up shelter in a nearby cave or tribe, but instead share homes with family or friends when we need it.

 

It is painful when we put so much pressure on ourself and our body.

Edited June 22, 2018 by Ingun

[Luciana Flora]

27 minutes ago, Ingun said:

 

And maybe you had some high expectations of yourself.... or tried to live up to other peoples standards or expectations of how it should be.

 

Luciana, it is not a failure to live at ones parents house at that age, even not at older age either, even though there is shame associated to this in these times we live in. We can be happy for not having to take up shelter in a nearby cave or tribe, but instead share homes with family or friends when we need it.

 

It is painful when we put so much pressure on ourself and our body.

I think it's a set of the two.

You know, my parents had a poor childhood. I am part of the generation of the children of the new middle class in Brazil. My father was one of those people who became middle class at a time when the economy was more favorable.

And my mother had to start working very early (after she got married and had the first child she chose not to work because my father's income was enough). And when I was a teenager, I grew up listening to things like, "At your age I worked. You do not do anything, just study."

She said that when she got frustrated with me for some reason. Or "there are people in your life who are already a mother" when she did not approve or did not think I had been responsible.

I always find this speech strange. Would she find me responsible if I arranged a child for my father to create, since at the time I had no money?

 I think all this has contributed to my being so annoyed by my delay in getting a job.

My mother does not say these things now that I have a job. Even because it would not make sense. So I guess I should leave everything behind. However sometimes I still dream about these things. Which does not seem to help me much to simply follow my life.

[Yin-da]

@Luciana Flora I could also sound as if your mother was frustrated with herself and projected her own dreams and expectations of herself onto you...

I mean since she didn't work anymore after she had children it could be that there was some resources, dreams and potential that was followed up on...

Telling you that "you do not do anything", sounds to me like a person speaking to herself actually, but forgot too look at herself in the mirror...

Maybe she also has a CF of Impatience

[Luciana Flora]

On 6/22/2018 at 9:08 PM, Ingun said:

@Luciana Flora I could also sound as if your mother was frustrated with herself and projected her own dreams and expectations of herself onto you...

I mean since she didn't work anymore after she had children it could be that there was some resources, dreams and potential that was followed up on...

Telling you that "you do not do anything", sounds to me like a person speaking to herself actually, but forgot too look at herself in the mirror...

Maybe she also has a CF of Impatience

I think what you said makes sense.

You know when my sister started to stand out dancing ballet. My mother would tell everyone when my sister wins a prize.

It might even be someone she met that day, she would comment on that person all the achievements of my sister in the ballet. And I started tocompare myself  to my sister.

But seeing this now. it seems that she wanted to feel successful through my sister.

As for CF impatience can be the tertiary. According to my mother's profile she would have arrogance as a primary and martyrdom as secondary.

I particularly think that martyrdom makes a lot of sense. I'd run a person's sessions with those same CFs and I've seen a lot of things like my mother.

Edited June 25, 2018 by Luciana Flora