Follow-up on Self-Hate

[Janet]

This question was originally posted by Jon on 10/14/08.

 

From the recent Michael speaks: "No fragment has the capability for self-hate, self-loathing, self-denial, self-condemnation without exploiting the fuel provided by someone else's truths. [...] It is true that all fragments can hold harsh thoughts about one's self, but not for long. The default of sentience is loving. To do otherwise is exhausting, but possible. It is also true that all fragments can hold harsh thought about others, but not for long without exhaustion."

If the above is true, then how did self-hate (and the hate of others) originate in the first place? It is my experience that almost everyone has some self-derogatory thoughts/energy. How do they sustain this if it is so difficult?

Also, how did it originate between the first fragments to feel self-hate? Is it a natural outgrowth of being in the physical plane? Is this self-depreciation limited to the physical plane?

 

FROM MICHAEL:

The seed of self-hatred, self-denial, self-condemnation usually grows out of the self-protection one begins to implement as a means to protect oneself from the 7 qualities of life described by the Chief Negative Features. One begins to believe that it is dangerous to be vulnerable, to be inadequate, to lose things, to lose value, to lack control over time or space, and to change. One is either actively or passively taught how to protect the self from these experiences and one of the most powerful ways to create a false sense of protection is through self-hatred, self-denial, self-condemnation. When the seed is planted actively, it can be obvious where one learns how to hate, deny, and condemn, but often the seed is planted passively through the behavior or good intentions of one you have deemed to have more power than you. This is how the experience of self-hate, etc. originated. For instance, a Mother smacks the hand of a child away from a fire: the child does not necessarily experience the good intentions and love behind the smack, but can fixate on the pain and humiliation of a choice being interrupted. The child may then begin to build evidence, and even test the evidence, that "when I make a personal choice, someone or something will interrupt and cause pain and humiliation." She might either dwindle in her presence in the world, or begin to puff it up and push the boundaries of others so that when people push back, there is the proof that she is "safer" through stifling her choices. The child or young adult and adult then begins strengthening the tools that are assumed are the most powerful methods for protection: pain and humiliation (in this example). The distorted logic and emotion behind strengthening this form of protection is that it is better to keep the hand coiled by one's side through any means self-generated than to have it smacked again by another. The greatest walls of division from the world of danger can come from the enforcement of self-hate, self-loathing, self-condemnation, etc.

Hate toward others is a secondary effect. It is simply another form of walling off from the world of danger.

Keep in mind that self-hate (and hate), and all of its variations, including self-loathing, and self-condemnation, are all simply distorted forms of intimacy. Hate cannot be experienced without some form of deep (albeit distorted) resonance. Resonance is Intimacy. Most forms of hate describe a craving, longing, and aching for something represented or mirrored in that which is hated, countered by the resistance to that craving, longing, and aching. This is why we say that is it exhausting. And when we describe it as exhausting, we speak in terms that are physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. It takes a great deal of effort and energy to sustain these kinds of walls of protection. One will either retreat as a means to spread that energy thin, but consistently, or one will find a way to remind oneself why it's important to keep those walls up by searching for evidence to rekindle the strength of self-hate, or hate. For instance, one might think she is being brave and open by finally deciding she feels good enough and open enough to date again. Rather than moving into the spectrum of experience that is natural to the realm of dating, which includes a range of feelings and efforts and exploration, she will allow the first disappointment to stand as proof as to why she "doesn't date in the first place," etc. and retreat to exploit this new proof as to why she should never have reached out.

We shared all of the above so that you can ponder the more detailed dynamics at work with variations of self-hate and hate, but we will also leave you with the more simplified response:

All variations of Self-hate and Hate can be traced back to the battle for SPECIALNESS. Whether actively or passively, many fragments are taught that they ARE Special, or that they SHOULD BE Special. As the child grows in awareness, his or her realization that there is nothing special about himself can cause a lifetime of anger, search, and craving for that ONE THING that makes someone finally identify him or her as Special. This can evolve into a hatred for those who seem to have been identified as Special, or a hatred that creates a false platform of Specialness, such as is the case for a Racist, for example. In terms of self-hatred indicating a craving and distorted intimacy with yourself, the craving is in the desperate wish for your soul or some part of you to come forth and exemplify, or be identified as, Special. A part of you KNOWS you are special and craves to exemplify this and have it identified, but being terrified that the things that are special about you are not enough, are dying, are going unnoticed, will be rejected, etc. And so you hate. And hide.

The solution, then, is in the freeing of oneself from the unending, looping math of Specialness, and embracing the wholeness and complete reality of your UNIQUENESS.

Uniqueness needs no proof, needs no protection, needs no additional factors. It simply is. Embracing the Uniqueness of others, of course, is a means toward resolving hate toward others.

We end on this note knowing that we could continue on with additional details and teaching, but we believe this will help address your questions and to provide some food for thought.

[Janet]

Wow. I've never read this item before. It's fantastic.

[DianeHB]

Bumping this topic -- this is rather timely considering all the hate that has been surfacing in the world.

[PPLD]

Excellent! Never read it before.

Thanks for the bump Diane.

[Christian]

[Ingun]

This session deserves a bumping again

[NickF]

Thanks for bumping this Ingun. Hadn’t seen it before. It’s excellent! 

[Wendy]

@Ingun  Indeed!

[Terri Benning]

Alice Miller has written a number of good books on this subject as well, and one of the books that had a very strong healing impact on me was entitled, "For Your Own Good: Hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence."  Not an easy read, but a powerful, enlightening and potentially deeply transformative one. According to Alice Miller, self-hatred begins with self-denial; and there is a close connection between self-denial and guilt, and self-hatred and shame, the later being an even more deeply internalized aspect of the former. 

 

I should also mention that Alice Miller is a 6th Old King, and I am in her Kingdom. (aka: The Alice Miller Kingdom)

 

Its an extremely timely read perhaps now more than ever, considering the current state of affairs in this nation and on this planet today. 

 

Here is a link to a pdf version of the book.  

http://playpen.icomtek.csir.co.za/~acdc/education/Dr_Anvind_Gupa/Learners_Library_7_March_2007/Resources/books/alicemiller.pdf

 

Hard copy on Amazon: 

https://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693

Edited March 19, 2019 by Terri Benning

[Kasia]

Bumping for anyone who needs some help with self-love.